Trump Promises “Big, Beautiful Scandal”


In the interest of keeping my political rants / satire pieces separate from the music posts I’ve started another blog. If you enjoy this stuff, give the page a like and a follow. If not, just sit back and I’ll get to doing more album reviews soon.

This may not pan out and I might go back to just the one blog, but I wanted to give it a try.

The Suppository

Washington- President Trump promised voters a “big, beautiful scandal” that will be announced by the end of the week.

“It will be, I believe, the biggest scandal in American history,” said Trump. “Bigger than Sally Hemmings, Lincoln’s sexual preference or Calvin Coolidge’s Cocker Spaniel put together. It will be bigger than Watergate. It will be so big that after this we’ll have a new suffix to replace -gate on political scandals.”

President Trump has been facing serious backlash for his firing of FBI Director James Comeyand spilling government secrets to Russian officials. He hopes this new revelation will take the focus off other scandals.

“It’s going to be so yuge that people at my rallies (which are the biggest rallies ever held, bigger than Stalin’s or Castro’s rallies) will begin yelling ‘Lock him up!'” bragged the obviously confused chief executive. “Even sycophants like Paul Ryan and Bob Gibbs are going…

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Trump’s 100 best accomplishments in the First 100 days


Now that we’re on the 100th day of his I think it’s time we take a look back on the biggest accomplishments of Trump’s historic presidency.

 

100

99

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96

95 ummmmmmmm

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89 Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be.

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75 I don’t hate moderate Republicans like John McCain or John Kasich as much as I used to. I suppose that’s a plus right.

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62 And then there’s the… oh, no. Nevermind.

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54 Hmmmmm

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32 Then there was his controversial decision to… oh wait. That sucked too. 

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22 Rember that time he sucked a whole bag of dicks? That was good right?

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14 We haven’t nuked anyone yet. (Fingers crossed that I won’t have to update this before publishing it tomorrow.)

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1 #TheResistance

 

Wow! Can you believe all the great things Trump has managed to accomplish in just 100 days? I can’t wait until we can look back on all of his great works if he’s not impeached after he’s been in office 1,000 days. Then this list will be ten times as long!

Here’s hoping we can still use keyboards with our radioactive lobster hands!

 

Man in Misfits T-shirt Has Actually Listened to the Misfits


Des Moine, IA- Seth Gamble was surprised to learn that his sister’s new boyfriend, Brock Shiner, actually knew the words to a song by his favorite band the Misfits.

“When she showed up with this new dude in a skull t-shirt I thought ‘Oh great, Sandra is still picking up guys at Hot Topic,” said Gamble. “But then as he was walking in to the house he stopped and belted out something that sounded like it came right off of Walk Among Us. I was totally shocked.”

Gamble has been disappointed by people wearing Misfits paraphernalia in the past. But he’s found Shriner to be “more real than all those fake-ass posers.”

“Yeah, it seems like every girl in junior high school has a Misfits t-shirt or leggings or backpack or something. They must hand them out with tampons and nail polish. I started seeing this girl I met a the roller-rink because she had a skull on her wristband, but she didn’t even know that Metallica didn’t write ‘Die Die My Darling.’ I won’t fall for that again.”

Shriner was completely surprised by the news, but happy he had made a good impression on the younger Gamble.

“Oh, Brock? Yeah, he’s a great kid. He’s been following me around all day asking me about horror movies. I stubbed my toe on the way in and made a weird ‘Oooo aaaahhh!’ sound that I held onto for a really long time so now he thinks I’m into some weird ’50s band.”

Nickelback Sentenced to Death in Most of the Developed World


hqdefaultThe World – Following news this week that Iranian death metal band Confess may be facing execution in their country for playing music the International Court of Justice sentenced Canadian rockers Nickelback to death.

“We don’t usually condone the death penalty,” said President of the International Court of Justice Silvia Fernandez de Gurmendi. “But if anyone should be put to death, it’s those bastards.”

The quartet was found guilty of crimes against humanity, torture, civil rights violations and generally sucking during a trial on Friday.

The news is shocking because most countries don’t currently practice capital punishment. The death penalty is prevalent mostly in China, India, the United States and the Middle East, but is not practiced in Europe or Nickelback’s home country of Canada.

“We’re OK with all the hoser’s thinking we’re really nice and love hockey and maple syrup, eh,” said Canadian Alex Bouchard. “But it really irks me when people want to blame Nickelback on the whole country. Come on, we don’t blame every German for the holocaust or every Icelander for Bjork. Really, they make our country an embarrassment in the international community. Fry the fuckers, eh.”

Perhaps the most damning evidence against the melodic milquetoast band was the information that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has been bombing rebels with tracks from the band’s 2008 album Dark Horse as well as using the hit single “Photograph” as a torture method.

“I was totally for waterboarding,” said US Presidential candidate Donald Trump. “Loved it. I think we should bring it back. Most forms of torture I’m OK with. But you have to draw the line somewhere. Nickelback is too inhumane.”

BatistaFireSquadThe band is currently hiding in North Korea with other ostracized members of western culture like Dennis Rodman, Richard Simmons and the dude who played Urkel on Family Matters

The Hauge is currently working on similar cases against Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Limp Bizkit.

Phil Anselmo to Perform Halftime show of Super Bowl LI


philipanselmowhitepower_638New York – After the deafening uproar from the white population in the wake of Beyonce’s homage to the Black Panthers during Super Bowl L, the NFL has done an about face and booked noted white supremacist Phil Anselmo for next years’ show.

The NFL released a statement saying:

“We really didn’t think Queen Bey would have been able to cause this much of a ruckus. I mean, it is Black History month and the Black Panther Party is part of Black History. The act seemed timely as it coincided with the  50th anniversary of the Parties founding and also in the wake of police officers constantly killing unarmed black men (and children).  Also we had Coldplay as the main performer and they are quite literally the whitest band we were able to find. I guess we didn’t realize that after a millennium of oppressing other races white people developed such thin skin. We’re deeply sorry for all the butthurt you feel and are willing to go to great lengths to make it up to you, our white trash audience.”

“I’m pumped up about this,” said Anselmo. Anselmo, the former singer of Pantera and current vocalist of Superjoint Ritual, Down and the Illegals came under fire last month for performing a Nazi salute and saying white power. “We’re going to have a bunch of Klansman dressed up in colored robes and we’ll have them dance around to create a big confederate flag. That shouldn’t be offensive right? I mean if blacks can support their culture with the Black Panther Party we should be able to celebrate ours with the KKK right? Their pretty much the same thing right?”

My comment that the main difference between the two was that the Black Panther party was committed to ending segregation and racism while the KKK promoted it was shouted down with phrases like “Uncle Tom” and “Niggerlover.”

“We’re going to get David Allen Coe to come down and we’ll sing ‘Nigger Hatin’ Me’ together,” said Anselmo with a glint in his eye. “We’re also looking at getting John Mayer, Paris Hilton, Moby and even Kreayshawn for the rap lovers.”

The announcement received a surprising amount of support from the black community as Jay Z and Soulja Boy expressed interest in singing the national anthem in exchange for five minutes alone with Anselmo.

No word yet on why racists just don’t watch hockey.

Both Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith plan to boycott the halftime show.

BREAKING: Slipknot wins Republican Nomination at Iowa Caucuses


pg-38-slipknot-1Des Moine – In a bizarre turn of events the Iowa nu-metal band, Slipknot has been named the state Republican Party’s choice for the nomination to President.

“At this point we’re really just pulling names out of a hat,” said local Republican Robert Alcorn. “I saw a poll the other day that said Nickelback was in third place in this race. As long as it’s not them or Trump, I’m happy.”

The Donald was less than pleased with the news, citing the fact that most members of the band don’t even live in Iowa any longer and also use satanic imagery on their albums and in their stage show.

“As long as their not Muslims or gay, I don’t care if they worship the devil,” said 83-year-old Dana White. “Trump seems like a nice man, but I think if we play that music on the border those pepper bellies will keep to their side of the fence.”

Perhaps the people most shocked by this news were the 9 members of Slipknot.

“What?” asked percussionist Shawn Crahan. “How the hell did that happen?”

It appears that the Republican Party is in such disarray and so full of hatred that the only way to connect is through angry shouted lyrics with hooks like “People = Shit” and “I Push My Fingers Into My Eyes.”

“How the hell would that even work?” asked singer Corey Taylor. “Would we all be president? Or would just one of us be president and then the rest of up fill cabinet positions?”

“I want to be head of the FBI” said a visibly drunk Mick Thompson while rubbing the scar from where his brother stabbed him in the head last March

It appears that if Slipknot wins the nomination then Stone Sour will be their choice for vice president.