Trump Responds to Cohen “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”


Oh yeah baby, hold still I’m almost there…

La la land, VA – After dry-humping the American flag and rambling about political opponents for two hours at CPAC, Donald Trump directly responded to his former lawyer’s claim that he is “a racist, a conman and a cheat” by saying “I know you are but what am I?” Trump then dropped the mic as if this were a sick burn against Cohen and not the defense of a four-year-old child.

He continued this line of attack late into the night when he tweeted “You know what Michael, I’m rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. You better be careful because I’m going to send someone to kill your family.”

Congressional Republicans are still divided over whether or not the tweet constitutes a threat.

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) described his goals in the hearings as being a protector of President Trump.

“I’m going to protect the president much better than I protected those boys who were molested when I was the assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State,” said Jordan. “I’ve looked the other way too often in my life to let this convicted liar get away with bad mouthing our beloved president.”

Jordan failed to mention that Trump has made 7,645 false or misleading claims over 710 days.

“We can’t trust anything Cohen says,” said Trump. “Except the part about the ‘no collusion’ with Russia. That part we can believe.”

“Basically,” said Rep Bob Gibbs (E-OH). “we can believe anything nice he says about Trump and ignore anything bad as lies.”

How Gibbs was able to issue this statement with his head firmly lodged in Trump’s rectum is still unknown.

Trump, whose presidency can best be described as inept, has shown America and the world why he had to file for bankruptcy six times despite inheriting millions of dollars from his father.

“I really miss the old days,” said Rep Adam Schiff (D-CA). “I remember thinking George W. Bush was the devil, but I never think that about Trump. He’s too dumb and immature to be Satan.”

“And look at that face,” added House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Whenever Satan is in movies he’s always hot like Al Pacino, Gabriel Byrne or young Marlon Brando. Trump is one KFC bucket away from Island of Dr. Moreau Brando.”

Republicans spent the rest of the day huddled together in horror that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was plotting to steal their hamburgers.

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Looten Plunder Set to be Confirmed as EPA Chief


You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!

Washington DC – President Trump’s nominee to head the Environmental Protection Agency, Looten Plunder, is expected to be confirmed by the US Senate.

Plunder, 68, is best known for his work battling Captain Planet in the early nineties. He has continued his eco-villain work at companies such as Enron, ExxonMobil Corp, Volkswagen and Kingsford. He began heading the EPA after former administrator Scott Pruitt resigned amid growing scandals.

Senate Democrats have tried to raise Captain Planet to defeat his old nemesis, but they have been unable since the water ring was sold to Rob Portman (R-OH) and the heart ring was sold to Rand Paul (R-KY).

“Earth,” said Kamala Harris (D-CA)

“Fire,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

“I think I just broke wind,” said Bernie Sanders (I-VT). “Does anyone smell eggs?”

“I believe Looten Plunder is the best person to lead the EPA and will do a great job helping to clean up Lake Erie, the Ohio River and all of America’s waterways,” said Portman in a typically longwinded statement. “The vicious rumors that he once dumped toxic sludge in a river only to be stopped by a flying, blue superhero with are ridic.ulous. These rumors are sponsored by fearmongers who support government intervention into jobs-killing regulation”

Rand Paul was in the hospital after being beaten up by another of his neighbors.

Is This Really A Big Deal?


U.S. court rules for Trump on transgender military limits

This is one of those stories that I really don’t have any right to comment on. I’m not transgender, nor do I have any friends or relatives who are. I would consider myself an ally, but mainly that’s because I don’t believe hurricanes are caused by gay marriage.

I suppose the main reason I keep checking up on these stories is I’m waiting for the answer to the question: How big of an issue is this?

I mean, are there lines and lines of transgender people camping outside of recruiting offices waiting to sign up? Are the Marines inundated with a few good men with many good estrogen pills? Are VA hospitals now the best place to receive gender reassignment surgery?

I feel transgendered people should be allotted the same rights and privileges as any other members of society. I believe they should be allowed to marry whomever they choose and join whatever organizations they choose. I also believe that they shouldn’t have to use different public restrooms, water fountains or have to sit in the back of buses.

I do have to play devil’s advocate and say that if the American Psychiatric Association defines gender dysphoria as a mental illness, it does make sense to not allow transgendered people into the military. I thought it went without saying that people suffering from severe mental illness weren’t suitable for the challenges and stresses of serving. I know I was turned away for major depression. But couldn’t we just say that the military will not accept people with major mental illnesses? Did there really need to be an executive order singling out a certain group of people and holding them up for ridicule?

I don’t think so. I think the main point of this is a play to Trump’s base of transphobic cretins who enjoy looking down on those who are different. Like many of his actions, I think it’s a solution in search of a problem. I haven’t seen a good number, but considering about 0.6% of the population identifies as trans I don’t think they’re overwhelming recruitment offices.*

It’s just that in America we salute brave military heroes and believe that they can do anything. Except get gender reassignment surgery. Or assistance if they’re homeless. Or shoot a moving target from the window of a book depository.

 

*An article I read this morning cites a Rand Corporation study that said there are several thousand transgendered troops serving in the active-duty forces. This seemed excessive to me, but I did the math and 0.6% of the million active-duty troops does come out to 6,000.

Are You Lost 24


I like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics. Of course, what’s really happening is that people type stupid shit into Google and end up here.

After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


cant say anything without affending someone – I think more people are offended by the thought of others being offended.

catfishstew.porn

rubber drysuit girl

I’ll do you one better. Here’s a pic of a Blunt and a Dick

dicks picture

art garfunkel audible – some poor bastard was hoping to download a copy of “What Is It All but Luminous: Notes from an Underground Man” and ended up here. Now they are immortalized with all these perverts looking for weird porn.

ugly girls

oliver sykes the musician jerking his cock – Seek help, sir! Seek help!

scott stapp thinks about trump na make america great again – I’ll never understand why people seem to care so much about Scott Stapp’s views on politics. It’s not like he’s Taylor Swift or something.

because trump can suck a big bag o’ dicks!

trump sucks dirty donkey dick

does donald truimp suck cock? – That’s an interesting question. I’d like to see a reporter ask this just so the president would have to answer it. Sure, it’s demeaning to the office of the president, but how much lower can we really go at this point?

trumps big mouth is chewing dick – I wish. At least then he wouldn’t be able to speak.

 

 

A Dissenting Opinion


I’m really starting to resent members of the current Republican administration saying they speak for me. It’s a completely audacious claim. I didn’t vote for them. I don’t agree with them. They don’t speak for me. They should check the settings on their mindreading equipment because they certainly aren’t getting the correct readings from me.

It boggles my mind how they continually brush off any criticism and never acknowledge there is a dissenting opinion to their worldview. Actually, there are several differing opinions, but whenever I check the news or Twitter I see someone rambling that they are “the voice of the people,” or that “there will be a revolution,” or  “violence” or some other such nonsense.

If you win an election by negative three million votes and have a disapproval rate of 60 percent you can’t claim to be the voice of the people.

I love the theory that only “coastal elites” dissent from the administration’s positions. I live far from any ocean and almost make enough money to be considered middle class. It takes me about two hours to get to the Lake Erie coast in the ’98 Toyota Avalon I purchase for $1,200 with nearly 190,000 miles on it. What about that says “coastal elite”?

I was livid when I read an Op-Ed from Congressman Bill Johnson in my local paper saying that everyone is benefiting from the TCJA and anything opposing it was “fake news.”

I responded to him on Twitter, “The TCJA barely made a difference in my paycheck and according to a recent article* has done nothing to increase wages or the standard of living for most Americans.
Are you going to ignore my story? Is my life ‘fake news’?”

He still hasn’t replied to my question.

What I find most confusing are the fans who can’t wrap their heads around why anyone wouldn’t be madly in love with President Trump. Were they asleep for the past 8 years? Did they forget the Obama years already? Did they think because he wasn’t a foreign-born Muslim that everyone would love him?**

To be honest, my dissent has nothing to do with any actions taken (or refrained from) by the chief executive. It’s mainly that I’m a member of the opposing party. I’ve heard people say this makes me a brainwashed mindless sheep and that there is no difference between the two major parties, but there are many easy-to-notice differences between Democrats and Republicans and my political beliefs and values align more closely with those of the former. For good or ill.

I never really understood why people had to believe Obama was Muslim or Kenyan to justify their hatred of him. Nowadays everyone is perfectly comfortable hating Democrats.

I’m not trying to say that my beliefs are better than anyone else’s, just that they’re different from some peoples.

And I’m not sure how I should go about ending this. I didn’t really have anything to say, I just wanted you to know that when you look at what’s going on in my country, my state, my city; it doesn’t reflect what I think or believe. It doesn’t reflect what a lot of other people believe. Hell, it doesn’t even reflect what the majority of people believe.

Even if some will swear the opposite.

 

*My local paper’s website is horrible so I wasn’t able to find the article I was referring. I’m sure it’s easy to find those that support my claim. And, to me, what’s worse is that I’m living it and this asshole doesn’t care.

**Will someone please invent a sarcasm punctuation symbol already?

You Can’t Say Anything Without Offending Someone


I’ve often heard the refrain “you can’t do anything without offending someone.” At first, I just shrugged it off as people being assholes and saying offensive things. I’ve never had much of a problem with it. But lately, I’ve noticed a few cases of political correctness run amok. I like to think of myself as a progressive and generally go with the flow, but there are a few terms I think it’s a shame we have whitewashed.

I mean, we used to be able to call people Nazis, Klansmen and racists. Now we have to call them “alt-right” or “White Nationalists.” It just doesn’t have the same gravitas to it. I mean, maybe we should get rid of Nazi as no one is actively plotting genocide (that we know of), but if you’re wearing a white robe with a pointy hat you’re a Klansman.

And the word ‘racist’ seems to have taken on the same air for whites as the N-word has for blacks. I’ve never seen white people get so offended at being called anything. We have our own racial epithets like ‘honkey,’ ‘birdshit’ and ‘peckerwood,’ but none of them ever elicited the same outrage as ‘spick,’ ‘chink’ or ‘nigger.’

Now people get pissed off about it. Someone will tell you that they never go to a certain Hardees because they have black cooks or that they’re voting for Trump because black on black violence makes it harder for them to do their job getting signatures on petitions, but when you call them racist they’re ready to fight you.

It’s so confusing.

We used to be able to call ignorant bigots like Archie Bunker buffoons, now we have to call them “Officer,” or “Your Honor” or “Mr. President.” It’s such a shame.

It’s weird that all these Trumpkins have such thin skin. Trump made his political name insulting President Obama. He has insulted all of his Republican rivals on the campaign trail, Senator John McCain, Pope Francis, NATO, The Department of Justice, the NFL, Justin Trudeau and one disabled reporter. You’d think a guy that dishes out the insults like that would be able to take them a little better. Oranges are known for their thick skin.

Everyone loved Trump for telling it like it is, but boy do they hate to see him called out.

But that’s a topic for another post.

 

Are You Lost XX


I like to think it’s because I’m a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics.Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into Google and somehow ending up here. After reading

Of course, what really happens is people type crazy shit into Google and somehow end up here. After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

Turns out it’s mostly a desire to see Stevie Nicks naked.


trump can suck a giant bag of dicks – Yes, indeed he can.

donald trump eats a big bag of dicks – I would like to see this. Is it on YouTube?

women of gwar nude

 

What is wrong with humanity?

kim dylla hot – Didn’t she play Vulvatron in GWAR? I’ve never seen the name of a member of GWAR next to the word hot unless it was the sentence “Boy, those crazy rubber suits GWAR wear must be really hot because they all stink worse than a gym locker room’s nutsack from all the sweat soaked into them.”

 

taylor momsen bare – Still looking.

stevie nicks see through naked – So many people want to see Stevie Nicks naked for some reason… and they all end up on this blog.

stevie nicks toes

stevie nicks nackt

trim the fat on albums melon collie and the infinite sadness – If only I could. But what if you did have a time machine and could go back and do it? What would the ramifications be? We might be living in some alternate universe where the Smashing Pumpkins didn’t release a few great albums then a lot of really horrible ones.

Why do I put myself through this?

porn model at juggalo concert – Eww. What porn model would that be? I don’t even want to know. Next question…

brad wilk nude – What? How did this guy get here? 

rock on the range 2017 may 21st flash tits woman

mypornsnap teen

Trump Promises “Big, Beautiful Scandal”


In the interest of keeping my political rants / satire pieces separate from the music posts I’ve started another blog. If you enjoy this stuff, give the page a like and a follow. If not, just sit back and I’ll get to doing more album reviews soon.

This may not pan out and I might go back to just the one blog, but I wanted to give it a try.

The Suppository

Washington- President Trump promised voters a “big, beautiful scandal” that will be announced by the end of the week.

“It will be, I believe, the biggest scandal in American history,” said Trump. “Bigger than Sally Hemmings, Lincoln’s sexual preference or Calvin Coolidge’s Cocker Spaniel put together. It will be bigger than Watergate. It will be so big that after this we’ll have a new suffix to replace -gate on political scandals.”

President Trump has been facing serious backlash for his firing of FBI Director James Comeyand spilling government secrets to Russian officials. He hopes this new revelation will take the focus off other scandals.

“It’s going to be so yuge that people at my rallies (which are the biggest rallies ever held, bigger than Stalin’s or Castro’s rallies) will begin yelling ‘Lock him up!'” bragged the obviously confused chief executive. “Even sycophants like Paul Ryan and Bob Gibbs are going…

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