I recently stumbled upon some articles I wrote for Buzzbin a few years ago that were never published. Hopefully you will find them more interesting and humorous than that damn editor did!
If you’re anything like me music is always playing in the background. You listen to music while you cook and eat, read and write, study and exercise. But while everyone knows that Ministry is one of the best bands to work out to and Al Green is the best for romance, what songs provide the best soundtrack for suicide? Here I offer several suggestions and hope you take me up on the advice if you ever decide to off yourself. So kick back, pop some sleeping pills, drink some wine, and enjoy my suicide setlist.
Celine Dion “My Heart will go On”– It should provide some comfort to know that even in death your heart will linger, much like a fart in a poorly ventilated room.
Kid Rock “All Summer Long”– The first time I heard this song I was cruising down the highway so I cranked it up to jam along with “Werewolves of London.” When I realized I was listening to Kid Rock I became so despondent I nearly drove my car off a bridge.
Nirvana “Milk it”– Yeah, you knew Kurt was gonna show up on this list. Anyone still thinking he was murdered should listen to the lyrics of this song where he sings “look on the bright side is suicide.”
System of a Down “B.Y.O.B”– The perfect song to pump you up for your mission after you strap that bomb to your chest.
Soundgarden “Ty Cobb”– If you’re angry at the world and want your last comment to be “Fuck you all” you should probably put this song on. You could just leave a note but I think hearing Chris Cornell sing the words packs a better punch.
Mudvayne “Dig”– If you’re not sure about how to do it, this tune offers plenty of great suggestions.
Loudon Wainwright III “Unrequited to the Nth Degree”– This song is about suicide, but it’s extremely funny so I wouldn’t suggest it to anyone planning on shooting themselves.
The Doors “The End”– Do I really need to explain this one?
Ozzy Osbourne “Suicide Solution”– Due to the subliminal messages hidden in this song which makes all listeners kill themselves I wouldn’t suggest that anyone not planning on killing themselves ever listen to it.
Nine Inch Nails “The Downward Spiral”– I’m not sure if this song is about killing yourself or killing someone else. Either way it seems appropriate for this list.
Anything by Alice in Chains– I love Alice but they are extremely depressing.
Deep Blue Something “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”- I just include this song because of my love of Audrey Hepburn, and the fact that I’ll never be able to fuck her without being a necrophiliac.
Jane’s Addiction “Mountain Song” or Red Hot Chili Peppers “Suck My Kiss”– Doesn’t it depress you to know that no matter how hard you try you’ll never be nearly as cool as these guys?
The Charlie Daniels Band “The Devil went down to Georgia”– If you kill yourself you’ll go to hell, so you might as well get used to Satan’s fiddle playing ASAP (I always thought he blew Johnny out of the water in this tune).
Bye bye bye cruel world!
The Carpenters “Superstar”– Fucking rock stars and their one night stands. He said he’d be coming back this way again, baby…
NSYNC “Bye Bye Bye”– I refuse to live in a world where Joey Fatone is a millionaire.
Acid Bath “Scream of the Butterfly”– Wait… that’s the perfect song for an abortion, not a suicide.
Pink Floyd “Goodbye Cruel World”