Anything That Can Go Wrong: The Nightmare (660 words)
Adam was startled when he woke up. That’s not to say he was startled awake. There weren’t any loud sounds or feral cats that caused him to jolt from his slumber. He was startled by what his eyes saw when he opened them.
For the past several months the unemployed 31-year old had woken in the unfinished basement of his mother’s house. Usually it was after a period of sleeping for anywhere from 9-10 hours. Sometimes he would masturbate and then get another hour in, but he was never woken by noises or the sun that barely filtered through the dirty basement windows.
Today it was the sun that had woken him. Instead of laying on a dirty beaten up futon under a stained comforter he awoke on a gorgeous king size bed with beautiful 300 count thread Egyptian cotton sheets. He checked his crotch only to discover that he had wet himself during the night. Well, at least that part was the same as every other day.
He tried to remember what he had done last night. It had been New Year’s Eve if he remembered correctly (which he probably didn’t). And he had rang in the new year in his local gentlemen’s club. Well, it wasn’t really a gentlemen’s club. Nudie bar was a more appropriate title.
But how did he get from there to here? He got out of bed to remove his soiled boxers and walked to the picture windows in the nude. He was greeted by a wonderful view of snow capped mountains. He wasn’t in Ohio anymore, that was for sure. There weren’t any mountains in Ohio and snow rarely fell until mid January. You could say what you wanted about the state, but when it came to climate change they were benefitting.
He tried to think. Did he make it home from the nudie bar? Had he died in a car accident and gone to heaven? No. That didn’t make sense. It was more probably that one of the dancers was an eccentric millionaire who had whisked him away to the Canadian Rockies in the night. Not much more probable, but still more probable.
As he walked to the hallway he remembered making it home and falling down the basement stairs. He could feel the aches in his hungover body and see the bruise on his hip. But he remembered crawling to the DVD player and putting in Cheer Squad Sleepovers 4. He remembered making his New Year’s wish right before he passed out.
That was it! His New Year’s wish must have finally come true! As he passed the platinum album lining the hallway he knew that must be it. His wish to be a rich and famous rock star had finally come true!
He was excited now but he couldn’t make out the writing on the platinum albums. He couldn’t tell if it was his band that had finally busted out of the garage and gone on to superstardom or if he had been transferred into the body of another rock star. He hoped it was the former as he couldn’t play covers.
First things first though. He would go to the bathroom and wash the glitter and urine from his body, then he would explore his mansion. He would lounge on the 83-foot sofa and drink the finest Kentucky bourbons. He would call up a porn star to come visit him. He would grab a guitar in the home studio and rock until he couldn’t walk.
But first, he needed to shower. And when he walked into the bathroom he realized that his dream had not come true. He must have woken into a nightmare. When he looked into the mirror he recognized the shoulder-length blond hair and goatee immediately. He had gotten his wish for rock stardom, but at what cost?
He opened his mouth to scream and the reflection of Chad Kroeger screamed with him in the mirror.