Are You Lost XX


I like to think it’s because I’m a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics.Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into Google and somehow ending up here. After reading

Of course, what really happens is people type crazy shit into Google and somehow end up here. After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

Turns out it’s mostly a desire to see Stevie Nicks naked.


trump can suck a giant bag of dicks – Yes, indeed he can.

donald trump eats a big bag of dicks – I would like to see this. Is it on YouTube?

women of gwar nude

 

What is wrong with humanity?

kim dylla hot – Didn’t she play Vulvatron in GWAR? I’ve never seen the name of a member of GWAR next to the word hot unless it was the sentence “Boy, those crazy rubber suits GWAR wear must be really hot because they all stink worse than a gym locker room’s nutsack from all the sweat soaked into them.”

 

taylor momsen bare – Still looking.

stevie nicks see through naked – So many people want to see Stevie Nicks naked for some reason… and they all end up on this blog.

stevie nicks toes

stevie nicks nackt

trim the fat on albums melon collie and the infinite sadness – If only I could. But what if you did have a time machine and could go back and do it? What would the ramifications be? We might be living in some alternate universe where the Smashing Pumpkins didn’t release a few great albums then a lot of really horrible ones.

Why do I put myself through this?

porn model at juggalo concert – Eww. What porn model would that be? I don’t even want to know. Next question…

brad wilk nude – What? How did this guy get here? 

rock on the range 2017 may 21st flash tits woman

mypornsnap teen

Trump Promises “Big, Beautiful Scandal”


In the interest of keeping my political rants / satire pieces separate from the music posts I’ve started another blog. If you enjoy this stuff, give the page a like and a follow. If not, just sit back and I’ll get to doing more album reviews soon.

This may not pan out and I might go back to just the one blog, but I wanted to give it a try.

The Suppository

Washington- President Trump promised voters a “big, beautiful scandal” that will be announced by the end of the week.

“It will be, I believe, the biggest scandal in American history,” said Trump. “Bigger than Sally Hemmings, Lincoln’s sexual preference or Calvin Coolidge’s Cocker Spaniel put together. It will be bigger than Watergate. It will be so big that after this we’ll have a new suffix to replace -gate on political scandals.”

President Trump has been facing serious backlash for his firing of FBI Director James Comeyand spilling government secrets to Russian officials. He hopes this new revelation will take the focus off other scandals.

“It’s going to be so yuge that people at my rallies (which are the biggest rallies ever held, bigger than Stalin’s or Castro’s rallies) will begin yelling ‘Lock him up!'” bragged the obviously confused chief executive. “Even sycophants like Paul Ryan and Bob Gibbs are going…

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Tax Returns Link Trump to Bieber, Nickelback, Others


Trump loves NickelbackNew York – After months of urging from foes and friends alike, Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns for public view. And while some of the result are not very shocking; others are certain to damage his campaign.

“Nobody was really shocked by the fact that he hasn’t paid any income taxes in 40 years,” said tax expert Edward Room. “Nor were we surprised to find that a lot of his businesses have ties to Russia or that he doesn’t give much to charity. Or that the main charities he gives to are NAMBLA* and the KKK. What did surprise people is that he’s invested so much money into Canadian recording artists.”

Trump’s tax returns show generous gifts to the likes of Nickelback, Justin Bieber, Bryan Adams, Snow, Loverboy and Celine Dion. He not only paid room service bills and tour bus maintenance, but also used illegal Mexican immigrants to ensure no star ever saw a brown M&M.

“It is shocking that a man seeking to become President of the United States would bankroll a band that has been sentenced to death in most of the civilized world,” said Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. “The list of bands he has had play weddings, bar mitzvahs and Klan rallies reads like a who’s who of the most hated artists in the world.”

The Donald was quick with a rebuttal, which he posted on Twitter: “Lyin’ Hillary is just mad she hasn’t seen Chad Kroeger’s penis like Ivanka has. Sad.”

While Trump’s supporters have stood by him through all of his xenophobic, racist, misogynistic and generally unhinged statements (as well as numerous sexual assault allegations), many have seen this as the last straw.

The Governor wanted to remain anonymous in this publication for fear of being made to listen to Loverboy.

The Governor wanted to remain anonymous in this publication for fear of being made to listen to Loverboy.

“I don’t see why he couldn’t give that money to a good, patriotic American band,” said Wilbur Oats of Macon, GA. “Someone like Lynyrd Skynyrd or Kid Rock.”

“I wasn’t so mad about the bankruptcies, divorces or ties to the mafia, but this really has me re questioning my loyalties,” said a Governor of Indiana who asked to remain anonymous.

The disclosure has also cost Trump his few remaining political allies with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan withdrawing his endorsement of Trump right before entering his office and playing The Battle of Los Angeles as loud as the speaker’s speakers would allow.

*which apparently is a real thing and not just a South Park joke

Do You Know What The Queers Are Doing To The Soil!


 

I can still remember being confused when I first heard of the controversy about gay marriage. I was 18 or 19 when things really started to heat up, but I never understood what all the fuss was about. I mean, gay people are people too right? If they want to get married why stop them. It just seems silly to me.

I know some people have religious objections. I get that, but the thing is that we live in a society where we have freedom of religion. This means that others don’t have to agree with my religious views and I don’t have to believe in theirs. I’m a big fan of this because it allows me to go to a church that focuses on doing good works in the community and “Love one another as I have loved you” and not one that promotes hatred of people who are different from me or creationism. Hell, I have so much freedom that I can even NOT go to church if it suits my fancy.

I never really understood the argument of “The Bible says it’s wrong” as a legal justification for outlawing gay marriage. The first amendment says “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”. I’m not a lawyer or a constitutional scholar, but I think that means that you need more reason for denying people the right to marry whom they choose than your personal religious beliefs.

Fuck this 'God Hates Fags' guy.The best part now is how people are comparing LGBTQ anti-discrimination laws with Shariah law. I find that a little confusing because I’m pretty sure Islamic fundamentalist groups like Boko Haram, DAESH and the Saudi Arabian government that govern with Sharia punish homosexuality with death. So really, if you want to discriminate against gays shouldn’t you be in favor of Shariah law?

And doesn’t the bible just say that two men shouldn’t have sex? (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13) I always heard that marriage was just like dating, but without the sex. So shouldn’t Christians be encouraging gays to marry so that they have less sex?

I honestly thing we’ll look back someday at how we treated homosexuals and be ashamed of ourselves. Just as we’re ashamed of the way we treated blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, women, the Irish, the Dutch, the French, the Japanese, the Chinese and pretty much every other group of people that were different than us.

But that was before I learned about what the queers are doing to the soil.

 

“A few days after that, I open up the mail. And there’s a pamphlet
In there. From Pueblo, Colorado, and it’s addressed to Bill, Jr.
And it’s entitled, “Do you know what the queers are doing to our
Soil?”

Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large US city,
There’s a big underground homosexual population. Des Moines, Iowa,
For an example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart.
You can’t build on it; you can’t grow anything in it. The government
Says it’s due to poor farming. But I know what’s really going on,
Stuart. I know it’s the queers. They’re in it with the aliens.
They’re building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to
God.

You know what, Stuart, I like you. You’re not like the other
People, here in this trailer park.”

The Glorious Rachel Bloom


 

I don’t usually do much on Sunday. Most weeks I make it to church in the morning, but lately I haven’t been doing much after except for watching Netflix and eating pizza. I used to go to the gym and when the weather wasn’t so hot I’d go fishing, but lately it’s just been Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Pepperoni and Sausage.

But one Sunday activity that I’m pretty regular about is listening to the National Public Radio program “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!” on npr.org. I really like staying up with current events and I also like comedy so a comedy news quiz seems tailor made for me.

Every show features a celebrity guest. This is usually some type of B-rated celebrity. You’re not going to have Leonardo DiCaprio or Stephen King, but you do get quite a few Governors and actors. They seem to have a lot of musicians on there too. I’ve heard interviews with Jewel, Ice Cube and George Clinton.

Rachel BloomBut my favorite was a comedienne named Rachel Bloom. I was actually fishing while listening to that episode, but when they started describing the YouTube video that propelled her to stardom I had to pause the podcast, reel in my line and sit and watch. “Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury,” is a great representation of Bloom’s comedy. It’s satirizing not only an entire genre of music, but also the entirety of popular culture. I mean, the idea that a bobble-headed, Britney Spears type singer would even be aware of Ray Bradbury is completely ludicrous. Which is what makes it so goddamn hilarious.

I just found out that she does have an album out, but I’ve heard most of the songs from exploring the rabbit hole on YouTube after “Bradbury” ends. The songs range from insane (“I Steal Pets”) to self deprecating (“We Don’t Need A Man”) to somewhat offensive (“Die When I’m Young”), but they’re all hilarious. I think my favorite is the sad ballad “Pictures Of Your Dick” which always leaves me in tears… of laughter.

I even managed to watch all 18 episodes of her TV Show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.” Obviously I enjoyed it, but it was a little long. Aside from how gorgeous Rachel Bloom is the main thing that kept my attention were the great tunes like “The Sexy Getting Ready Song,” “I Love My Daughter (But Not In A Creepy Way),” “I Gave You A UTI” and “Sexy French Depression.” I’ve often felt like the Josh character when he tries to woo the girl with his tune “Settle For Me.”

And I think I’m developing a fetish for Jewish girls. The Song “JAP Battle” pits two extremely beautiful Jewish American Princesses against each other. Add that to how I’ve fallen in love with Carrie Brownstein from Portlandia and Sarah Silverman and I think it’s safe to say I’d like to find a girl from the tribe.

I wonder what the result will be on porn sites for smart girls who can make me laugh.