How to Freak Out Your Mechanic


I don’t work on cars, but I do work on machines. Something anyone who works on mechanical things hears a lot is “It’s making a funny sound.”

That doesn’t tell me much, so I tend to ask a few follow-up questions.

“Well, can you be more specific? Is it a THUNK or a SSSKKKKKRREEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

“Does it sound like Lynyrd Skynyrd or Flipper? Is it more The Prodigy or Chemical Brothers? Oh… it sounds like Todd Rundgren? That’s nothing to worry about.”

 

If you really want to freak a mechanic/maintenance person out, just tell us it’s making a strange sound… and it’s just like Nickelback!

Oh Shit! Hit the E-Stop! It’s about to blow!

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Looten Plunder Set to be Confirmed as EPA Chief


You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!

Washington DC – President Trump’s nominee to head the Environmental Protection Agency, Looten Plunder, is expected to be confirmed by the US Senate.

Plunder, 68, is best known for his work battling Captain Planet in the early nineties. He has continued his eco-villain work at companies such as Enron, ExxonMobil Corp, Volkswagen and Kingsford. He began heading the EPA after former administrator Scott Pruitt resigned amid growing scandals.

Senate Democrats have tried to raise Captain Planet to defeat his old nemesis, but they have been unable since the water ring was sold to Rob Portman (R-OH) and the heart ring was sold to Rand Paul (R-KY).

“Earth,” said Kamala Harris (D-CA)

“Fire,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

“I think I just broke wind,” said Bernie Sanders (I-VT). “Does anyone smell eggs?”

“I believe Looten Plunder is the best person to lead the EPA and will do a great job helping to clean up Lake Erie, the Ohio River and all of America’s waterways,” said Portman in a typically longwinded statement. “The vicious rumors that he once dumped toxic sludge in a river only to be stopped by a flying, blue superhero with are ridic.ulous. These rumors are sponsored by fearmongers who support government intervention into jobs-killing regulation”

Rand Paul was in the hospital after being beaten up by another of his neighbors.

Ariana Grande Releases Remix of “7 Rings”


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Ariana Grande released a remix of her new single. “7 Rings (Japanese BBQ Finger Mix)” is now available wherever music is sold.

A deluxe 12″ Version of the single also features a “Get off My Nutz Mix,” “All Your Base Are Belonging to Us Mix” and an “Extreme Mayan Makeover Dub Mix” from Al Jourgenson.

Grande has also fired her Kanji tutor and tattoo artist. Hopefully, she has a sense of humor and doesn’t pursue legal action against any satirical bloggers.

 

 

Workout Music Vol. 1


Are there any gym rats reading this blog? I know it’s about music, but I find music is a big part of the gym experience. The songs pulsing in the earbuds can make or break a great workout. You’re not going to get the same amount of reps or achieve a personal record if you’re not jamming to the right tunes.

I assume most people go for heavy music. Metallica. Slayer. Black Sabbath.

Not me. Aside from moving toward punk and away from metal over the past few years I’ve noticed that the type of music that gets me jacked up to build muscle and burn calories is:

 

That’s right. If you see me in the gym, and the sweat is pouring and I’m getting swole… I’m probably listening to Adele or Katy Perry’s MTV Unplugged or something extremely wimpy with soaring female vocals.

What about you? What gets you pumped?

Cat Phones


I sort of live alone. I say ‘sort of’ because I have two feline housemates.

I purposely chose to get cats because they are much easier to leave alone than dogs. If I had gotten a dog there’s no way I would be able to work a twelve-hour shift at a moments notice, but with cats, it’s not a huge deal.

I still sometimes wish I could check in on them. I know they’re probably just sleeping or looking out the window, but it would be nice to know. I was thinking a cat phone would be great. If I was worried or had to work late I could just send them a quick text to check in.

But then I came to my senses and realized how horrible an idea that is. Could you imagine what a cat with a cell phone would be like?

 

And she’s not even the pain in the butt cat…

Everything’s Shocking


I think I’m going to start a shock rock band. But instead of an elaborate stage show, crazy costumes or playing with my own feces I’m just going to make a big point of not playing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and telling everyone I’m offended by the phrase “Merry Christmas.”

I bet I’ll get more death threats than Marilyn Manson tearing up a Bible.

I’ll have to give it a really offensive and controversial name also. Something like Antifa, Barack Obama or Empowered Woman. Maybe just Politically Erect or Donald Trump’s Tiny Penis will do.

Who knows, maybe I’ll learn to play the Star Spangled Banner while kneeling.

Merry Christmas


I bought the Essential Weird Al Yankovic a few weeks ago. I’m not sure how essential I would rate the album, but it did have quite a few of his greatest hits as well as some new to me tracks that I really enjoyed.

It also had this old favorite that I’d just about completely forgotten about.

 

Merry Christmas.

Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog!


Last week at church our sending hymn was “Joy to the World.” You’ve probably heard that one. It’s a pretty popular Christmas Carol. I knew the song but for some reason, I just couldn’t place it. So I spent the entire service thinking we would be closing with the Three Dog Night song that begins with “Jeremiah was a bullfrog!”

You have no idea how disappointed I was when the organ didn’t pound out those chords and the congregation didn’t bellow that line.

Are You Lost 23


I like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics. Of course, what’s really happening is that people type stupid shit into Google and end up here.

After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


Something noncontroversial that everyone agrees on.

duck guy hates nickelback

nude protest – All of the greatest protests are nude. True story.

oregon girl tits 2017

gwar porn 

naked summer girl – I would really like to do a blog about naked summer girls, but I’ll settle for doing one about naked winter or even naked autumn girls. If you are a naked seasonal girl feel free to contact me!

girl diver porn – so many strange types of porn. Is this a girl who does dirty things with a starfish?

insane clown posse porn – This isn’t a real thing, right! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME THIS ISN’T A REAL THING!

juggalos naked – For some reason, it’s a lot easier to find pictures of Juggalettes naked. Not that you’d really want to see many of them.

heavy metal girls nude

what are the queers doing to the soil? – They’re building landing strips for gay Martians. That’s why we need SPACE FORCE!

Happy Birthday Joe Strummer!


I sure hope Joe Strummer sees this and gives me a shout out! That would do wonders for my blog stats!

Wait… what? Oh…

I really need to do a better job of keeping up with celebrity news.