Cleveland Narrowly Averts Tragedy


17 April 2015

House of Blues; Cleveland, OH

Masters of Destruction Tour

Mayhem and chaos nearly spilled onto the streets of Cleveland last night after a stop on the Master of Destruction tour featuring tribute acts of Guns N Roses and Metallica.

“It was a total rip off,” said one concert goer. “I would start a riot, but the tickets only cost $20. So I’m not really that pissed off.”

The trouble began when The Four Housemans’ singer/guitarist Anse ‘Devil’ Hatfield was wounded by some misplaced pyrotechnics.

“It sure is a good thing we can’t use real pyro,” lead guitarist Randall McCoy said. “As it turned out he only burnt himself on a sparkler. It was when he lost his balance and stumbled to the ground in front of the fog machine that he was really wounded.”

Hatfield was treated for smoke inhalation at the Cleveland Clinic. He also suffered 1st degree burns from the sparkler.

“Unfortunately Devil has been injured and will not be able to finish the performance,” Drummer Lars Upchuck told an apathetic crowd. “We’ll make this up to you on our next stop in town. We now leave you in the competent hands of One in a Million.”

Guns N Roses tribute act One in a Million took to the stage 2 hours late and only played somewhere from 20-30 minutes because, as singer Prince Edward Arthur Charles Exl said, “We’re a true GnR tribute act. And that means that when a member of a Metallica tribute act get’s burned onstage we have to cut our set short. Even if it doesn’t happen in Montreal

Fortunately most of the audience had already left by the time One in a Million took to the stage so there wasn’t enough of a crowd to start a riot by the time they left.

“We really dodged a bullet tonight,” said a Cleveland Police Officer who wished to remain anonymous. “We could have had a sad, depressing day just like any other day in Cleveland, but instead something awesome happened and we get to be part of rock tribute history.”

One in a Million lead guitarist Slit could not be reached for comment.



The Most HATED bands

I love doing list posts. They’re so easy! And I don’t have to think about them too much! The only bad thing is that I can’t think of enough lists to come up with.

Any suggestions?

Avril Lavigne/Green Day – Really, anyone who ever claims to be ‘Punk Rock’ is hated and called a poser. Because if there’s one thing punks hate more than authority, it’s punk.

Prince – I’m not sure why Prince gets such a bad rap. The dude is a musical genius.

U2 – I don’t really care for their music, but also don’t harbor the animosity most seem to have for them. Of course, I don’t have the new iPhone.

Juggalos 4 life.

Juggalos 4 life.

Miley Cyrus – I still stand by what I said about her in Most Overrated Bands: “We all hate her because she’s young, beautiful, rich and doesn’t have to wear clothes like the rest of us.”

Insane Clown Posse/Limp Bizkit – Personally, I find it extremely hard to seriously hate these bands. Or take them serious in any manner.

Creed – If there is anything worse than Christian Rock, it’s pseudo-Christian rock. It’s one thing to sell out, but I like to think Hell holds special terrors for rockers who tone down their message to attain super stardom.

Megadeth – I really like Megadeth’s music. But boy, has Dave Mustaine gone off the deep end. It just goes to show that if there’s one thing worse than Creed; it’s born-again Creed.

Marilyn Manson – Wait, no one hates Marilyn Manson anymore.

Whenever you're having a bad day say to yourself, "At least I'm not in Nickelback."

Whenever you’re having a bad day you can just say to yourself, “At least I’m not in Nickelback.”

Metallica – After the whole Napster, St. Anger and documentary where Lars sells that painting for more money than I’ll make in two life times I hate Metallica as much as Dave Mustaine does.

Guns and Roses

Nickelback – Nickelback sucks so bad even ISIS, al-Qaeda and Ebola won’t admit to listening to them.

So You Wanna Start A Band IV

imagesI’ve decided to do a series of band tips. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough to have some wisdom to pass on. I’ve been doing it for a while and notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this. I don’t profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not the free couch in my cheap apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 277 likes on Facebook, 273 followers on Twitter and 835 fans on Reverbnation. We do well playing out and people enjoy our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at or surpass me. If you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Part 4: Stop trying to look cool

Seriously… It isn’t working.

The only reason these guys look so cool is because they wrote songs like "Sick of You," "Saddam A GoGo" and "Fuckin an Animal"  If it hadn't been for that they'd look as stupid as you.

The only reason these guys look so cool is because they wrote songs like “Sick of You,” “Saddam A GoGo” and “Fuckin an Animal”
If it hadn’t been for that they’d look as stupid as you.

This is the perfect look to emulate if you want to look like an asshole.

This is the perfect look to emulate if you want to look like an asshole.



Juggalos 4 life.

Juggalos 4 life.

Reznor 90s
















How did the Insane Clown Posse manage to look cooler than you?






Really, a leather jacket and some long hair is all you need.




Rick Neilsen looks cooler than you.

Rick Neilsen looks cooler than you.









The harder you try to look cool, the more you look like this.

The harder you try to look cool, the more you look like this.











This is how stupid I look onstage so I don't know why you'd take advise from me.

This is how stupid I look onstage so I don’t know why you’d take advise from me


You don't look like Motley Crue. You look like skinny guys who have spent waaaay too much time in prison.

You don’t look like Motley Crue. You look like skinny guys who have spent waaaay too much time in prison.

Just be yourself. Whoever you are, that’s the only way you’re going to look cool.

If you enjoy this post you may also enjoy So You Wanna Start A Band? So You Wanna Join A Band or So You Wanna Start A Band Too?

Some content on this page was disabled on May 30, 2016 as a result of a DMCA takedown notice from Axl Rose. You can learn more about the DMCA here:

The Best Ohioan Rockers

Ohio seems to have had more than its fair share of infamous people. We’ve been home to Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, Anthony Sowell, Ariel Castro and Bill Watterson to name a few. But before you write us off as a state where only really, really hideous serial killers and extremely talented cartoonists come from, may I direct your attention to some of the great rock bands to hail from the heart of it all:

Wild Cherry – Funk you Pennsylvania! We’ve got these guys!


Gilby Clarke and Steven Adler – But I don’t think they went to LA together though.

Kim Deal – Yeah, that chick from the Pixies is from Dayton! Suck it Massachusetts!

Just in case Lebron James didn't do enough to make you think all Ohioans were assholes.

Just in case Lebron James didn’t do enough to make you think all Ohioans were assholes.

Mushroomhead – These guys ended up on my list of Most Overrated Bands because I swear people in Ohio would buy bottled shit if they thought it came out of one of these guys’ asses, but before their albums started having really pretentious names (Savior Sorrow) or names like English Pubs (the Righteous and the Butterfly) they were a pretty good band.

Marilyn Manson – The band was formed in South Florida, but the dude is from about 20 minutes north of where I live. I’ve met several people who said they were in high school with him and kicked his ass. Or had their groceries bagged by him.

The Black Keys

Hhipsters don't always come from Ohio... but we sure have a helluva lot of them

Hipsters don’t always come from Ohio… but we sure have a helluva lot of them


Joe Walsh – He was always one of my favorite Eagles… well, he was the only one I could really tell apart from any of the others.

Mobile Deathcamp – These guys are a kick-ass group of speed metallers from Toledo. Their biggest claim to fame is that their leader portrayed Beefcake the Mighty in GWAR for a while, but they’re definitely worth checking out in their own right. I mean, they made it higher on this list than The Black Keys.

Chimaira – Remember back in the early to mid 00s when NWOAHM (New Wave of American Heavy Metal) was all the rage? Yeah, nobody else does either. (Except for Shadows Fall, God Forbid and these guys.) These guys were always one of my favorites from that era, not just because they came from Cleveland, but because they had a keyboard player (like most other metal bands in Cleveland).

Dave Grohl – born in Warren but moved to Virginia when he was really young.

Devo – People always say that Devo were way ahead of their time, but when I listen to them I hear a pretty typical new wave band. Albeit a very strange one.

Reznor 90sNine Inch Nails – Yes, haha. The greatest band in the world is from my state. Suck it rest of the world. Suck it long and suck it hard!

This was a rather difficult list to narrow down to 10. If you’d like a more comprehensive list of musicians from the great state of Ohio, may I direct you to the Wikipedia page. I was really surprised by some of the names I found on the list.

What is Wrong with Axl Rose?

axlUnless you’ve been under a rock (or were enjoying the beautiful weather over the weekend) you’ve seen the chart that says Axl Rose is the greatest rock singer of all time. 

Personally, I don’t have a huge problem with this chart. I find it to be somewhat lacking in that it only takes into account vocal range. There are many other factors I consider when deciding who is a great singer. Passion, performance, feeling, emotion. But these are things that really can’t be quantified and put onto a chart so I’ll agree with this sites findings because I don’t want to go through a million albums and study the vocal ranges of all these singers (Thank you for doing this for us

The crazy thing I find about this chart is the backlash. I have Gun’s and Roses greatest hits on my MP3 player so I hear a few of their songs every night at work, and I’d have to say (while I might not call him my favorite) Axl Rose is a great fucking singer. But the backlash against this was nearly instantaneous with people saying “Fuck Axl” and “Mike Patton is better

I understand that looking at Mr. Rose in 2014 he is a much less “cool” figure than he was 20 years ago. But damn, haven’t any of these people listened to Appetite for Destruction, Lies, or Use Your Illusion?

Why do people hate Axl so much? He wasn’t the subject of many child molestation accusations like Michael Jackson. There was never a rumor of him removing a rib to suck his own dick like Marilyn Manson. Sure he’s a megalomanical perfectionist, but so is Trent Reznor. He never killed anyone in a drunk driving accident like Vince Neil. He never adopted an underage girl so he could take her on tour with him and have sex with her like Steven Tyler. He never kidnapped an underage girl and kept her in his home to have sex with her like Jimmy Page. He didn’t physically abuse women like Ike Turner, Rick James or Dr. Dre. He didn’t use racial slurs like Elvis Costello. He didn’t kill half the population of California Condors like Johnny Cash or film women going to the bathroom like Chuck Berry. (Thank you

So what the hell is the deal with Axl Rose? I surmise that he must be a super-massive asshole to have gone from being the front man of the biggest rock band in the world to being the biggest joke in the world in just 20 years. It takes talent to achieve all that he did musically and as for what he’s achieved elsewhere…

That takes something else entirely. But I’m still not sure what it is.


Some content on this page was disabled on May 30, 2016 as a result of a DMCA takedown notice from Axl Rose. You can learn more about the DMCA here: