Trump’s 100 best accomplishments in the First 100 days


Now that we’re on the 100th day of his I think it’s time we take a look back on the biggest accomplishments of Trump’s historic presidency.

 

100

99

98

97

96

95 ummmmmmmm

94

93

92

91

90

89 Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be.

88

87

86

85

84

83

82

81

80

79

78

77

76

75 I don’t hate moderate Republicans like John McCain or John Kasich as much as I used to. I suppose that’s a plus right.

74

73

72 

71

70

69

68

67

66

65

64

63

62 And then there’s the… oh, no. Nevermind.

61

60

59

58

57

56

55

54 Hmmmmm

53

52

51

50

49

48

47

46

45

44 

43

42

41

40

39

38

37

36

35

34

33

32 Then there was his controversial decision to… oh wait. That sucked too. 

31

30

29

28

27

26

25

24

23

22 Rember that time he sucked a whole bag of dicks? That was good right?

21

20

19

18

17

16

15

14 We haven’t nuked anyone yet. (Fingers crossed that I won’t have to update this before publishing it tomorrow.)

13

12

11

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1 #TheResistance

 

Wow! Can you believe all the great things Trump has managed to accomplish in just 100 days? I can’t wait until we can look back on all of his great works if he’s not impeached after he’s been in office 1,000 days. Then this list will be ten times as long!

Here’s hoping we can still use keyboards with our radioactive lobster hands!

 

Man in Misfits T-shirt Has Actually Listened to the Misfits


Des Moine, IA- Seth Gamble was surprised to learn that his sister’s new boyfriend, Brock Shiner, actually knew the words to a song by his favorite band the Misfits.

“When she showed up with this new dude in a skull t-shirt I thought ‘Oh great, Sandra is still picking up guys at Hot Topic,” said Gamble. “But then as he was walking in to the house he stopped and belted out something that sounded like it came right off of Walk Among Us. I was totally shocked.”

Gamble has been disappointed by people wearing Misfits paraphernalia in the past. But he’s found Shriner to be “more real than all those fake-ass posers.”

“Yeah, it seems like every girl in junior high school has a Misfits t-shirt or leggings or backpack or something. They must hand them out with tampons and nail polish. I started seeing this girl I met a the roller-rink because she had a skull on her wristband, but she didn’t even know that Metallica didn’t write ‘Die Die My Darling.’ I won’t fall for that again.”

Shriner was completely surprised by the news, but happy he had made a good impression on the younger Gamble.

“Oh, Brock? Yeah, he’s a great kid. He’s been following me around all day asking me about horror movies. I stubbed my toe on the way in and made a weird ‘Oooo aaaahhh!’ sound that I held onto for a really long time so now he thinks I’m into some weird ’50s band.”

Republicans Announce Obamacare Replacement


Neutron BombWashington – After months of planning and preparation Donald Trump and congressional Republicans are making good on their promise to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare.

“We turned to smart people for the answer,” Trump tweeted. “Bigly smart people. Jello. I love Jello. There’s always room for Jello.”

“There was really only one answer to the problem of dealing with the millions of people who are about to lose their health insurance because of us,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “And that’s the plan laid out by the Dead Kennedys on their album Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables. We’re gonna kill, kill, kill the poor.”

Republicans constantly cite people losing their insurance, rising premiums or being forced to change providers as proof of the law’s failure. Democrats point to the fact that 20 million people have gained coverage and can no longer be denied coverage due to preexisting conditions as proof of the laws success.

 

At this point no one really knows what to believe. Attitudes about the law are split largely along party lines.

I just know that my tax dollars go toward paying the health insurance for members of congress, government employees, people below the federal poverty line, incarcerated criminals and the elderly. But if you’re in the gray area between the poverty line and not being able to afford a $300/month insurance plan you’re royally fucked.

neutron_bombI’m not an expert on this subject. You shouldn’t trust my judgement, but I’m reasonably sure I’d benefit from socialized medicine and I’d be happy to pay a little extra in taxes if it meant I no longer had to buy insurance (or pay close to $1500 dollars for an illness I suffered last year).

I have a lot of respect for the Republican Party. It takes a lot of talent convince people who would benefit from socialism that it’s a bad thing because someone else might benefit more. I don’t understand it. It’s like burning down your house instead of letting a buddy crash on your couch.

Nickelback Sentenced to Death in Most of the Developed World


hqdefaultThe World – Following news this week that Iranian death metal band Confess may be facing execution in their country for playing music the International Court of Justice sentenced Canadian rockers Nickelback to death.

“We don’t usually condone the death penalty,” said President of the International Court of Justice Silvia Fernandez de Gurmendi. “But if anyone should be put to death, it’s those bastards.”

The quartet was found guilty of crimes against humanity, torture, civil rights violations and generally sucking during a trial on Friday.

The news is shocking because most countries don’t currently practice capital punishment. The death penalty is prevalent mostly in China, India, the United States and the Middle East, but is not practiced in Europe or Nickelback’s home country of Canada.

“We’re OK with all the hoser’s thinking we’re really nice and love hockey and maple syrup, eh,” said Canadian Alex Bouchard. “But it really irks me when people want to blame Nickelback on the whole country. Come on, we don’t blame every German for the holocaust or every Icelander for Bjork. Really, they make our country an embarrassment in the international community. Fry the fuckers, eh.”

Perhaps the most damning evidence against the melodic milquetoast band was the information that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has been bombing rebels with tracks from the band’s 2008 album Dark Horse as well as using the hit single “Photograph” as a torture method.

“I was totally for waterboarding,” said US Presidential candidate Donald Trump. “Loved it. I think we should bring it back. Most forms of torture I’m OK with. But you have to draw the line somewhere. Nickelback is too inhumane.”

BatistaFireSquadThe band is currently hiding in North Korea with other ostracized members of western culture like Dennis Rodman, Richard Simmons and the dude who played Urkel on Family Matters

The Hauge is currently working on similar cases against Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Limp Bizkit.

ATCGW: The Nightmare


make-a-wishFLASH FICTION FRIDAY, WEEK 18: I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT, HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT

Anything That Can Go Wrong: The Nightmare (660 words)

Adam was startled when he woke up. That’s not to say he was startled awake. There weren’t any loud sounds or feral cats that caused him to jolt from his slumber. He was startled by what his eyes saw when he opened them.

For the past several months the unemployed 31-year old had woken in the unfinished basement of his mother’s house. Usually it was after a period of sleeping for anywhere from 9-10 hours. Sometimes he would masturbate and then get another hour in, but he was never woken by noises or the sun that barely filtered through the dirty basement windows.

Today it was the sun that had woken him. Instead of laying on a dirty beaten up futon under a stained comforter he awoke on a gorgeous king size bed with beautiful 300 count thread Egyptian cotton sheets. He checked his crotch only to discover that he had wet himself during the night. Well, at least that part was the same as every other day.

He tried to remember what he had done last night. It had been New Year’s Eve if he remembered correctly (which he probably didn’t). And he had rang in the new year in his local gentlemen’s club. Well, it wasn’t really a gentlemen’s club. Nudie bar was a more appropriate title. 

But how did he get from there to here? He got out of bed to remove his soiled boxers and walked to the picture windows in the nude. He was greeted by a wonderful view of snow capped mountains. He wasn’t in Ohio anymore, that was for sure. There weren’t any mountains in Ohio and snow rarely fell until mid January. You could say what you wanted about the state, but when it came to climate change they were benefitting.

He tried to think. Did he make it home from the nudie bar? Had he died in a car accident and gone to heaven? No. That didn’t make sense. It was more probably that one of the dancers was an eccentric millionaire who had whisked him away to the Canadian Rockies in the night. Not much more probable, but still more probable.

As he walked to the hallway he remembered making it home and falling down the basement stairs. He could feel the aches in his hungover body and see the bruise on his hip. But he remembered crawling to the DVD player and putting in Cheer Squad Sleepovers 4. He remembered making his New Year’s wish right before he passed out.

That was it! His New Year’s wish must have finally come true! As he passed the platinum album lining the hallway he knew that must be it. His wish to be a rich and famous rock star had finally come true!

He was excited now but he couldn’t make out the writing on the platinum albums. He couldn’t tell if it was his band that had finally busted out of the garage and gone on to superstardom or if he had been transferred into the body of another rock star. He hoped it was the former as he couldn’t play covers.

First things first though. He would go to the bathroom and wash the glitter and urine from his body, then he would explore his mansion. He would lounge on the 83-foot sofa and drink the finest Kentucky bourbons. He would call up a porn star to come visit him. He would grab a guitar in the home studio and rock until he couldn’t walk.

But first, he needed to shower. And when he walked into the bathroom he realized that his dream had not come true. He must have woken into a nightmare. When he looked into the mirror he recognized the shoulder-length blond hair and goatee immediately. He had gotten his wish for rock stardom, but at what cost?

He opened his mouth to scream and the reflection of Chad Kroeger screamed with him in the mirror.

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What if…

Image


This is my 200th post!

There are plenty of magazines about sex and a few about Rock and Roll, but there aren’t many drug magazines. What if High Times wasn’t the only drug magazine on the market? What would a new drug magazine look like? What would they cover?

cocaine aficianado

ATCGW 16


going-nowhere-fasterThe Frustration

It’s been four months since Ockym’s Razyr reformed and the wheels have been spinning and spinning without gaining any traction.

Ever since bassist Matt Vance returned from his stint in rehab the boys have been getting together every week, but not accomplishing much.

“We need to get some gigs,” one will say.

“No, we need to get the songs polished before we play out,” another says.

“Why don’t we just write some new stuff?” comes out occasionally.

This has been going on nonstop for FOUR MONTHS. So far they’ve brushed up on several of their old songs and polished off many cases of beer, but they haven’t set any new goal.

“I’m just not really sure where all of this is going,” guitarist Eric Shawn says. He’s the new guy in the band and most of the time he’s spent with these guys has been downtime.

“I’d really like to get out and do some gigs,” drummer Josh Randall says. “Let’s get out there and rock. It’ll be a great way to get back in the game.”

“True,” Matt Vance says. His sobriety fell away shortly after the band regrouped and he’s now chugging beers like there’s no tomorrow.

going-nowhere-fast-gary-kaemmer“I just think we could use a little more work on the songs,” says singer Adam Gillis. “I’d like for them to be really tight before we go out and share them again.”

“That’s a good point, too,” Matt says.

“I’d like to write a few more tunes,” Eric says. “I’ve been with you guys for close to two years and I don’t have any songwriting credits at all.”

“He’s making sense,” Matt grabs another beer.

“What do you think, Hal?”

Guitarist Hal Levatine has been noodling since practice started. He’s the only one who seems committed to his instrument. He just shrugs and says, “I’m down for whatever.”

“You know what we could do?” Josh says. “We could set up at Front Street Tavern. They haven’t been having bands there.”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea.”

“What? Like we just take our instruments there and practice there?” Adam asks.

“Yeah, they don’t have any bands there anymore so we could just be like the house band.”

road to nowhere“I don’t think they want bands there any more,” Adam says. “I’m pretty sure that’s why they haven’t been having bands play. I’m guessing they were sick of all the fights and are looking into a more mellow atmosphere.”

The group gives him a blank stare.

“Well, we could still look into it,” Josh says.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“So what do we do now?” Eric asks. He looks to Adam. Adam looks to Josh. Josh looks at Matt. Matt chugs his beer. Hal practices sweep picking.

“I guess we should play a song.”

 

More idiocy from Ockym’s Razyr

Part 15 The Post Treatment Interview 8/3/2015

Part 14 The Intervention 7/3/2015

Part 11 The Christmas Party 28/12/2013

Part 3 The Road Trip 5/1/2013

Part 2 The Jam Room 23/4/2013