Trump Returns from Putin Meeting with Black Eye


Washington D.C. – President Trump returned from Helsinki on Tuesday, after spending several romantic days with his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. When asked about the shiner on his left eye he insisted he walked into an open door.

The truth was revealed later at a press conference.

“Putin is just under a lot of stress,” said the battered president. “He told me he’ll never do it again and I believe him. You don’t know the pressure he’s under. He has to run not just one country, but two. Do you really think I could do this without him?”

He then returned to the abused woman logic of insisting it was all his fault.

“Look, he started the meeting by saying I couldn’t ask him about Crimea and I did. It’s really all my fault for bringing up that subject as well as asking how we’re going to deal with this whole election meddling thing.”

While I’m sure to those reading this who are not in the US, UK or Ukraine this satirical article is very humorous, I can assure you to many of us in the US it is quite embarrassing.

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Man in Misfits T-shirt Has Actually Listened to the Misfits


Des Moine, IA- Seth Gamble was surprised to learn that his sister’s new boyfriend, Brock Shiner, actually knew the words to a song by his favorite band the Misfits.

“When she showed up with this new dude in a skull t-shirt I thought ‘Oh great, Sandra is still picking up guys at Hot Topic,” said Gamble. “But then as he was walking in to the house he stopped and belted out something that sounded like it came right off of Walk Among Us. I was totally shocked.”

Gamble has been disappointed by people wearing Misfits paraphernalia in the past. But he’s found Shriner to be “more real than all those fake-ass posers.”

“Yeah, it seems like every girl in junior high school has a Misfits t-shirt or leggings or backpack or something. They must hand them out with tampons and nail polish. I started seeing this girl I met a the roller-rink because she had a skull on her wristband, but she didn’t even know that Metallica didn’t write ‘Die Die My Darling.’ I won’t fall for that again.”

Shriner was completely surprised by the news, but happy he had made a good impression on the younger Gamble.

“Oh, Brock? Yeah, he’s a great kid. He’s been following me around all day asking me about horror movies. I stubbed my toe on the way in and made a weird ‘Oooo aaaahhh!’ sound that I held onto for a really long time so now he thinks I’m into some weird ’50s band.”