Happy Birthday Prince


I never meant to do a “Happy Birthday” series, but that seems to be what’s happening. It’s working out OK so far. It’s nice to do something light every now and again.

I was going to tag Prince onto the Marky Mark post, but that seemed more than a little disrespectful. It’s a lot harder to decide which song to choose to celebrate his accomplishments. He’s like the exact opposite of Marky Mark.

So, I’m not going to just choose one.

 

I hope you’re all as sexually confused as I am after watching that last one…

What’s your favorite Prince song? Can you even choose?

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Happy Birthday Mark Wahlberg


I’m loving this left-handed people calendar. It gives me the chance to do horrible posts like this.

I know what you’re thinking, Mark Wahlberg isn’t a musician. Well, to prove you right here’s the video for his 1991 hit single with the Funky Bunch “Good Vibrations”:

 

Thor: Ragnarok


Welcome to the slaughter, what are you going to do?

I enjoyed the most recent release of the Thor franchise: Ragnarok. It had action. It had comedy. It had the Incredible Hulk. It had a little bit of stuff that confused me. (like Idris Elba’s character. Who the fuck was he? He looked like Dreadmon from the Ninja Turtles.) For the most part, it was an enjoyable escape from reality for two hours.

But this isn’t a review of Thor: Ragnarok. I don’t do movie reviews (very often). I do music reviews. And something about the music in Thor: Ragnarok really pissed me off!

Not the score. I’m sure the score was fine. I barely noticed it so it couldn’t have been that bad. What pissed me off was that the only rock song used in the film was “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin. What the fuck, producers? Did you not see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? That song was already used in a movie this decade. Is there some new law stating that any movie about/set in/referencing the mythology of Scandinavia NEEDS to have that fucking Zeppelin song in it?

That’s total bullshit. There are more than enough bands that could provide songs for fight scenes that are actually from Scandinavia. I’m betting a few of them even worship Thor. Or Loki or Odin or whoever black metal band people worship. You don’t have to keep using that same song from an English band about Vikings or wizards or fucking trees talking to each other. For fuck’s sake, the only thing Scandinavia is known for is socialism and black metal.

But if you’d like to use the music from some American (well, American/Israeli or American/Canadian) bands I can think of a few good choices.

1.) Kiss has a song called “God of Thunder.” I’m not a huge Kiss fan so I can’t pick this track out of a lineup, but with all the focus on how Thor is the god of thunder in this flick you’d think that track would have made an appearance.

Then again, maybe they used that in the first movie. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point during that one so maybe I missed it. Did it play during the credits like Black Sabbath did in the first Iron Man? Or it could have been used in the second film. There was a second film, right? I didn’t even bother to watch that one. Who can keep up with all these things?

B.) How about the song I got stuck in my head every time I saw that damn poster. It comes from the album Ragnarok by the greatest band ever to come to Earth from another galaxy. Yes, I’m talking about GWAR’s “Ragnarok.” That would have been perfect for some battle scenes. It might not be my favorite track of theirs, but it’s definitely top five.

Anything is better than that fucking “Immigrant Song.”

Bastards.

Marilyn Manson Can Suck His Own Dick


You sicko. Why the hell would you click on that link?

I’ll tell you why: You’ve fallen victim to a great marketing scheme.

This post isn’t actually about Manson’s ability to perform autofellatio. I agree with the idea that someone wouldn’t do it themselves when they could get others to do? But some people are into some strange shit. Remember rule 43: If it exists there’s a fetish for it (and probably half a dozen websites dedicated to this fetish).

Some quick internet research tells me that about 1 percent of males can physically contact their penises with their mouths but only about 0.2 – 0.3 percent can actually perform the act.* I’ve heard Ron Jeremy can do it and has on film, but I’m not looking for that.** I don’t want to make any assumptions about the pale emperor’s length, flexibility or sexual desires (that’s not of my business and this is a free country), but damn that was a great marketing idea.

Sex sells. Even oral sex sells. Even oral sex with yourself sells.

Where did the rumor even begin? You have to wonder if there was a meeting at Interscope records and someone said, “What if we start a rumor you removed a few ribs to suck yourself off?” I imagine a bunch of guys in business suits sitting around a conference table nodding.

This was the 90s equivalent of Ozzy biting the heads off those doves. Or biting the head off that bat. Or snorting that line of army ants. Or pissing on the Alamo.

I think Marilyn Manson realizes there really is no such thing as bad publicity. You would think something like this would prevent people from running out and buying a record, and I’m sure it did stop some, but ultimately a lot of people bought Marilyn Manson albums.^ Even Michael Jackson continued to sell records while being charged with child molestation. He’s the artist on the top-selling album of all time. Being in the news just means people are thinking about you, and they may be thinking, “You know, Thriller was an awesome album.”

This principle used to not extend to politics. Ed Muskie dropped his bid for the Democratic Presidential Nomination amid rumors he was taking an exotic drug. 1972 vice presidential nominee, Thomas Eagleton’s history of mental illness and electroconvulsive therapy is thought to have played a part in George McGovern’s loss. ^*

Of course, this has changed in the past few years. After all, Donald Trump was elected president.

Have you figured out why I didn’t title this post “The Marketing Genius of Marilyn Manson?” Would you have clicked if that was the title?

 


* Although roughly 99.9999856 percent have tried.

**I’ve looked up some weird shit for this site, but I’m drawing a line right there.

^ I own several

^* Of course, Muskie served as Secretary of State under Jimmy Carter for a brief time and Eagleton won re-election to the Senate.

The Ultimate Driving Mixtape*


I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with my mental state. I’m off in the head.

For the past month and a half, my girlfriend has been in the hospital and I’ve managed to visit her three or four times a week. This is a bit of an inconvenience as she’s about an hour drive away**.

So last week I took a vacation day… to drive two hours in the other direction and take an introduction to solar energy systems and design class in the southern part of the state. It wasn’t until I was cruising back on the highway that I realized this isn’t something most people do. In fact, most people would probably say I’m in desperate need of a psychiatrist.

And after I finish installing these solar panels and save on my electric bill I’ll make an appointment.

The insane part is that I actually enjoy the drive. Southern Ohio/Northern West Virginia is filled with beautiful scenery. It was a gorgeous day, and I got to enjoy it in my own way.

The best part is that my new*^ car has one of those newfangled ‘radio’ contraptions so I was able to listen to music the whole way. When I needed a break from the Creedence CD I brought along I was able to scan through the stations and usually land on something descent that made time pass a little quicker.

This got me thinking “what would be on the ultimate driving playlist?” And because one of my hobbies is blogging I had to turn it into something.

Granted, most of this is low hanging fruit, but give me a break; I’ve been doing a lot of driving lately.


Tom Cochran “Life is a Highway”

The Rolling Stones “Gimme Shelter”

The Carpenters “Superstar”

 

Beastie Boys “No Sleep Till Brooklyn”

AC/DC “Highway to Hell”

Elton John “Tiny Dancer”

 

 

Meat Loaf “Bat Out Of Hell”

Heart “Barracuda”

 

Jimi Hendrix “All Along The Watchtower”

Red Hot Chili Peppers “Soul 2 Squeeze”

Queen “Bohemian Rhapsody”

 

So I know all of your typing fingers are burning up right now to tell me which I missed. And that’s great! I purposely left enough space on this virtual disc for a little feedback. That’s what comments are for.

Have at ‘er!


 

* I’m sure someone has already done this post in a different way, but now it’s my turn!

**But she’s totally worth it.

*^Actually, it’s a year older than my previous vehicle, but the owner took much better care of it so it’s like a new car.

 

Trump Promises “Big, Beautiful Scandal”


In the interest of keeping my political rants / satire pieces separate from the music posts I’ve started another blog. If you enjoy this stuff, give the page a like and a follow. If not, just sit back and I’ll get to doing more album reviews soon.

This may not pan out and I might go back to just the one blog, but I wanted to give it a try.

The Suppository

Washington- President Trump promised voters a “big, beautiful scandal” that will be announced by the end of the week.

“It will be, I believe, the biggest scandal in American history,” said Trump. “Bigger than Sally Hemmings, Lincoln’s sexual preference or Calvin Coolidge’s Cocker Spaniel put together. It will be bigger than Watergate. It will be so big that after this we’ll have a new suffix to replace -gate on political scandals.”

President Trump has been facing serious backlash for his firing of FBI Director James Comeyand spilling government secrets to Russian officials. He hopes this new revelation will take the focus off other scandals.

“It’s going to be so yuge that people at my rallies (which are the biggest rallies ever held, bigger than Stalin’s or Castro’s rallies) will begin yelling ‘Lock him up!'” bragged the obviously confused chief executive. “Even sycophants like Paul Ryan and Bob Gibbs are going…

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Trump’s 100 best accomplishments in the First 100 days


Now that we’re on the 100th day of his I think it’s time we take a look back on the biggest accomplishments of Trump’s historic presidency.

 

100

99

98

97

96

95 ummmmmmmm

94

93

92

91

90

89 Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be.

88

87

86

85

84

83

82

81

80

79

78

77

76

75 I don’t hate moderate Republicans like John McCain or John Kasich as much as I used to. I suppose that’s a plus right.

74

73

72 

71

70

69

68

67

66

65

64

63

62 And then there’s the… oh, no. Nevermind.

61

60

59

58

57

56

55

54 Hmmmmm

53

52

51

50

49

48

47

46

45

44 

43

42

41

40

39

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35

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33

32 Then there was his controversial decision to… oh wait. That sucked too. 

31

30

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28

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26

25

24

23

22 Rember that time he sucked a whole bag of dicks? That was good right?

21

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17

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15

14 We haven’t nuked anyone yet. (Fingers crossed that I won’t have to update this before publishing it tomorrow.)

13

12

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10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1 #TheResistance

 

Wow! Can you believe all the great things Trump has managed to accomplish in just 100 days? I can’t wait until we can look back on all of his great works if he’s not impeached after he’s been in office 1,000 days. Then this list will be ten times as long!

Here’s hoping we can still use keyboards with our radioactive lobster hands!

 

Don’t Have To Live Like A Refugee


 

Damn, we’re only a week into the Trump presidency and I already wish I lived in an alternate reality; just like Trump supporters do.

A few months ago I was talking to a Canadian follower, Mike Ladano, in the comment section of “Icky Trump” and we got on the topic of the refugee crisis.

Do people worry about something bad happening? I asked him.

Oh yeah people are uneasy. Heck I’m uneasy! It’s naive to think ISIS will not use this tragedy to their advantage. It’s also naive to assume every country will be able to screen out all the bad people. But it’s a humanitarian crisis and people are split. A lot of “not our problem” vs. “Canada is the kind of country that helps.” A lot of “not worth the risk” vs. “we have to try to help”. And each side points to headlines around the world to make their points. 

This sentiment basically sums up how I feel about the issue. It would be naive of me to think that a few bad apples won’t make there way in with the rest of the bunch, but I’m not heartless enough to support turning away tens of thousand of people fleeing war, oppression and destruction. I’d like to think that America is the kind of country that would help; but sadly, I’ve been proven wrong.

I have a daughter and of course I worry about her, but the addition of Syrian refugees isn’t going to change that. I live in a community filled with people who think they need to own fully automatic AR-15s and whatever other type of high capacity weapons they can get their hands on because it’s their right to defend themselves against the tyranny of the federal government.

No, I’m not worried about refugees.

16265621_1435604136481766_5452606032854278941_nAnd the crazy thing about this: It’s not all based on a sense of righteousness or wanting to do the right thing. I honestly don’t think that bombing the shit out of Daesh is the way to defeat radical Islamic terrorism. Sure, we have enough nukes to kill every living thing on the planet seven times over, so we have the firepower to turn everything from Turkey to Iran into a glow-in-the-dark parking lot, but is that the answer?

When we send a drone strike to Yemen or Somalia or Sudan and kill a terrorist is that the end of the story? What about the terrorists’ friends? Or wife? Or brothers? Or children? These are people who will say “America killed my friend, my husband, my brother or my father. Is drone warfare eliminating terrorists or breeding them? If we send in a bomb to kill Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi how long to you think it would take before he is replaced? It took him eleven years after Saddam Hussein was overthrown, but with Assad on the ropes and the region in chaos, it won’t take long for someone else to rise to power.

And will they be any better?

I don’t want to come off like some sort of world-peace, patchouli-smelling hippie, but I don’t think war is helping anything at this point in history. I know Saddam Hussein was not a good guy. I know that Bashar al-Assad is not a good guy. I know that the terrorists getting hit by drone missiles are not good people. And yes, I know Donald Trump is doing what he thinks it right. The point that I’d like to make is I don’t agree with him.

We could send 325 million Americans to Mesopotamia each armed with 20 million bullets and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference. You can’t kill an ideology with a bullet. I think Trump is making it a lot easier for people who want to hate America to feel justified in that feeling. I know his rise to power has made me question my patriotism. How can I love a country that allows something like this to happen? A country that causes chaos in a part of the world then turns its back on those affected?

od6I’m not an expert on the subject, but didn’t I hear once that the best breeding ground for terrorists is refugee camps? If we want to stamp out radical Islamic terrorism shouldn’t we be welcoming people fleeing and showing them that we’re the good guys? Shouldn’t we be treating these people the way we want to be treated? Didn’t someone important once say ‘as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me‘?

The truth is that we can’t show Syrian refugees we’re the good guys because we’re not the good guys. I want to believe that there is hope (and I do see some), but it’s getting hard to believe. Calling America a Christian nation is an alternative fact.

I keep telling myself I’m doing some good from behind this computer. That I’m working and bettering myself and giving to charity and raising a caring, levelheaded daughter all that is enough. But I don’t really think it is. What I’d really like to do is sell all my possessions, join up with the UN, or Lutheran Immigration and Refugee Services or the Peace Corp or just fly to Turkey and see what I can do. I don’t know much about carpentry, nursing, medicine, peacekeeping or soldiering, but I’m a fast learner.

But I know that doing that wouldn’t be enough either.

Are You Lost 19


Picard Why would you google thatI like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into Google and somehow ending up here. After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

best young guitarists in 2016

best 2016 guitarists – a list of the best two thousand sixteen guitarists seems a little excessive. Hell, I might even show up on that. I try to keep my lists to ten or fifteen max.

Are you sure you just want the face? I'm sure I can find his cock somewhere.

Are you sure you just want the face? I’m sure I can find his cock somewhere.

drummer of slipknot face – This is new. I don’t think I’ve ever had anybody looking for the face of someone before. 

rage against the machine tattoo

 

nickelback tax – This is a brilliant idea. Too bad it turned out to be a gag. But maybe it is in effect somewhere. Does anyone know?

statler and wanew year

oliver sykes performing tumblr – Does Bring Me The Horizon have a new song called “tumblr”? I really need to keep up on this stuff.

stevie nicks real nude – Sorry, I can only point you in the direction of fake nudes.

I don't care if she's in her 70s. Helen Mirren is hot!

I don’t care if she’s in her 70s. Helen Mirren is hot!

stevie nicks young and nude – Why would you want to see old Stevie Nicks nude? The only old woman I want to see naked is Helen Mirren.

envy us nude – What? Is that the name of a band? Or is it just some people who think they look so good naked that a google search will lead to a list of people jealous of them without their clothes?

2011-gathering-of-the-juggalos-9

Naked Gathering of the Juggalos

eat a box of dicks – Incorrect. Suck. You Suck a bag of dicks. Or at least President Trump can suck a bag of dicks.

naked gathering of the juggalos – Please stop googling this. It’s nothing that you want to see.