Trump Responds to Cohen “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”


Oh yeah baby, hold still I’m almost there…

La la land, VA – After dry-humping the American flag and rambling about political opponents for two hours at CPAC, Donald Trump directly responded to his former lawyer’s claim that he is “a racist, a conman and a cheat” by saying “I know you are but what am I?” Trump then dropped the mic as if this were a sick burn against Cohen and not the defense of a four-year-old child.

He continued this line of attack late into the night when he tweeted “You know what Michael, I’m rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. You better be careful because I’m going to send someone to kill your family.”

Congressional Republicans are still divided over whether or not the tweet constitutes a threat.

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) described his goals in the hearings as being a protector of President Trump.

“I’m going to protect the president much better than I protected those boys who were molested when I was the assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State,” said Jordan. “I’ve looked the other way too often in my life to let this convicted liar get away with bad mouthing our beloved president.”

Jordan failed to mention that Trump has made 7,645 false or misleading claims over 710 days.

“We can’t trust anything Cohen says,” said Trump. “Except the part about the ‘no collusion’ with Russia. That part we can believe.”

“Basically,” said Rep Bob Gibbs (E-OH). “we can believe anything nice he says about Trump and ignore anything bad as lies.”

How Gibbs was able to issue this statement with his head firmly lodged in Trump’s rectum is still unknown.

Trump, whose presidency can best be described as inept, has shown America and the world why he had to file for bankruptcy six times despite inheriting millions of dollars from his father.

“I really miss the old days,” said Rep Adam Schiff (D-CA). “I remember thinking George W. Bush was the devil, but I never think that about Trump. He’s too dumb and immature to be Satan.”

“And look at that face,” added House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Whenever Satan is in movies he’s always hot like Al Pacino, Gabriel Byrne or young Marlon Brando. Trump is one KFC bucket away from Island of Dr. Moreau Brando.”

Republicans spent the rest of the day huddled together in horror that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was plotting to steal their hamburgers.

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Looten Plunder Set to be Confirmed as EPA Chief


You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!

Washington DC – President Trump’s nominee to head the Environmental Protection Agency, Looten Plunder, is expected to be confirmed by the US Senate.

Plunder, 68, is best known for his work battling Captain Planet in the early nineties. He has continued his eco-villain work at companies such as Enron, ExxonMobil Corp, Volkswagen and Kingsford. He began heading the EPA after former administrator Scott Pruitt resigned amid growing scandals.

Senate Democrats have tried to raise Captain Planet to defeat his old nemesis, but they have been unable since the water ring was sold to Rob Portman (R-OH) and the heart ring was sold to Rand Paul (R-KY).

“Earth,” said Kamala Harris (D-CA)

“Fire,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

“I think I just broke wind,” said Bernie Sanders (I-VT). “Does anyone smell eggs?”

“I believe Looten Plunder is the best person to lead the EPA and will do a great job helping to clean up Lake Erie, the Ohio River and all of America’s waterways,” said Portman in a typically longwinded statement. “The vicious rumors that he once dumped toxic sludge in a river only to be stopped by a flying, blue superhero with are ridic.ulous. These rumors are sponsored by fearmongers who support government intervention into jobs-killing regulation”

Rand Paul was in the hospital after being beaten up by another of his neighbors.

Ariana Grande Releases Remix of “7 Rings”


Click image for full story

Ariana Grande released a remix of her new single. “7 Rings (Japanese BBQ Finger Mix)” is now available wherever music is sold.

A deluxe 12″ Version of the single also features a “Get off My Nutz Mix,” “All Your Base Are Belonging to Us Mix” and an “Extreme Mayan Makeover Dub Mix” from Al Jourgenson.

Grande has also fired her Kanji tutor and tattoo artist. Hopefully, she has a sense of humor and doesn’t pursue legal action against any satirical bloggers.

 

 

Are You Lost 24


I like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics. Of course, what’s really happening is that people type stupid shit into Google and end up here.

After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


cant say anything without affending someone – I think more people are offended by the thought of others being offended.

catfishstew.porn

rubber drysuit girl

I’ll do you one better. Here’s a pic of a Blunt and a Dick

dicks picture

art garfunkel audible – some poor bastard was hoping to download a copy of “What Is It All but Luminous: Notes from an Underground Man” and ended up here. Now they are immortalized with all these perverts looking for weird porn.

ugly girls

oliver sykes the musician jerking his cock – Seek help, sir! Seek help!

scott stapp thinks about trump na make america great again – I’ll never understand why people seem to care so much about Scott Stapp’s views on politics. It’s not like he’s Taylor Swift or something.

because trump can suck a big bag o’ dicks!

trump sucks dirty donkey dick

does donald truimp suck cock? – That’s an interesting question. I’d like to see a reporter ask this just so the president would have to answer it. Sure, it’s demeaning to the office of the president, but how much lower can we really go at this point?

trumps big mouth is chewing dick – I wish. At least then he wouldn’t be able to speak.

 

 

Elton John – Farewell Yellow Brick Road


2 November 2018

Schottenstein Center; Columbus, OH

 

This is a much bigger show than I’m used to attending and I know that a lot of other publications have done reviews so I wasn’t sure if it would be worthwhile for me to do one. But I’m a man goddammit! My opinions matter! Plus, I may have some interesting insights you can’t get anywhere else… I doubt it, but it might happen.

First off, I paid a bit too much for the tickets. But to see a living legend like Elton John that’s to be expected. I tried to think of another artist I would pay that kind of money for, but couldn’t think of any. The nice thing was the seats were much better than expected. I didn’t realize how awesome they really were until we sat down and Elton* took the stage only a few moments later.

Second, his voice doesn’t sound like it did in the seventies. But do I really have to type that? No one’s voice can tour the world for 50 years and stay the same. Elton does a great job keeping the songs sounding strong with his cords in the condition they’re in. Most songs still sound great, and a few sound even better; Something about the older voice lends a few tunes more authority and authenticity. The only one I didn’t care for was “Tiny Dancer.” That song is missing something without those high notes (and there was no steel guitar!).

I was really surprised to find how much I enjoyed the songs he did solo. I’m not familiar with “Border Song,” but thought it was great and I missed the great guitar lick in “Candle in the Wind,” but it was still an awesome performance.

One of my mom’s favorites has always been “Indian Sunset” and I was surprised to find it on the setlist. I wasn’t looking forward to it as I’ve heard it more than enough for a lifetime, but I enjoyed the live version with just piano, voice and Ray Cooper ‘s percussion much more than the album version.

It also really says a lot that I’d be interested in going again when he comes back around next year. If I check up on the setlists and find he’s ditched something like “Sad Songs (Say So Much)” and/or “Believe” for “Madman Across the Water” or “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters” I’d definitely be interested. I can only imagine how many other songs could take the place of “Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding,” but then where would the wardrobe change take place?

My biggest bitch about the show was that there was no mosh pit. It was Friday, but when you end the show with “Saturday Nights Alright For Fighting” you have to expect some craziness. Of course, I’ve never seen ushers dancing in the aisle like they were for that tune!

 

Courtesy of Setlist FM

Bennie and the Jets
All the Girls Love Alice
I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues
Border Song (Elton solo)
Tiny Dancer
Philadelphia Freedom
Indian Sunset (Elton and Ray Cooper only)
Rocket Man (I Think It’s Going to Be a Long, Long Time)
Take Me to the Pilot
Someone Saved My Life Tonight
Levon
Candle in the Wind (Elton solo)
Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding
Burn Down the Mission
Believe
Daniel
Sad Songs (Say So Much)
Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me
The Bitch Is Back
I’m Still Standing
Crocodile Rock (One of the best moments was when he looked at all of us confused because we weren’t singing the “Laaaaa Lalala la Laaaaa” part.)
Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting

Encore:
Your Song
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

 

*AP Style says I should refer to him by his last name, but that just seems really weird when his last name is ‘John.’

 

A Dissenting Opinion


I’m really starting to resent members of the current Republican administration saying they speak for me. It’s a completely audacious claim. I didn’t vote for them. I don’t agree with them. They don’t speak for me. They should check the settings on their mindreading equipment because they certainly aren’t getting the correct readings from me.

It boggles my mind how they continually brush off any criticism and never acknowledge there is a dissenting opinion to their worldview. Actually, there are several differing opinions, but whenever I check the news or Twitter I see someone rambling that they are “the voice of the people,” or that “there will be a revolution,” or  “violence” or some other such nonsense.

If you win an election by negative three million votes and have a disapproval rate of 60 percent you can’t claim to be the voice of the people.

I love the theory that only “coastal elites” dissent from the administration’s positions. I live far from any ocean and almost make enough money to be considered middle class. It takes me about two hours to get to the Lake Erie coast in the ’98 Toyota Avalon I purchase for $1,200 with nearly 190,000 miles on it. What about that says “coastal elite”?

I was livid when I read an Op-Ed from Congressman Bill Johnson in my local paper saying that everyone is benefiting from the TCJA and anything opposing it was “fake news.”

I responded to him on Twitter, “The TCJA barely made a difference in my paycheck and according to a recent article* has done nothing to increase wages or the standard of living for most Americans.
Are you going to ignore my story? Is my life ‘fake news’?”

He still hasn’t replied to my question.

What I find most confusing are the fans who can’t wrap their heads around why anyone wouldn’t be madly in love with President Trump. Were they asleep for the past 8 years? Did they forget the Obama years already? Did they think because he wasn’t a foreign-born Muslim that everyone would love him?**

To be honest, my dissent has nothing to do with any actions taken (or refrained from) by the chief executive. It’s mainly that I’m a member of the opposing party. I’ve heard people say this makes me a brainwashed mindless sheep and that there is no difference between the two major parties, but there are many easy-to-notice differences between Democrats and Republicans and my political beliefs and values align more closely with those of the former. For good or ill.

I never really understood why people had to believe Obama was Muslim or Kenyan to justify their hatred of him. Nowadays everyone is perfectly comfortable hating Democrats.

I’m not trying to say that my beliefs are better than anyone else’s, just that they’re different from some peoples.

And I’m not sure how I should go about ending this. I didn’t really have anything to say, I just wanted you to know that when you look at what’s going on in my country, my state, my city; it doesn’t reflect what I think or believe. It doesn’t reflect what a lot of other people believe. Hell, it doesn’t even reflect what the majority of people believe.

Even if some will swear the opposite.

 

*My local paper’s website is horrible so I wasn’t able to find the article I was referring. I’m sure it’s easy to find those that support my claim. And, to me, what’s worse is that I’m living it and this asshole doesn’t care.

**Will someone please invent a sarcasm punctuation symbol already?

Are You Lost 23


I like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics. Of course, what’s really happening is that people type stupid shit into Google and end up here.

After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


Something noncontroversial that everyone agrees on.

duck guy hates nickelback

nude protest – All of the greatest protests are nude. True story.

oregon girl tits 2017

gwar porn 

naked summer girl – I would really like to do a blog about naked summer girls, but I’ll settle for doing one about naked winter or even naked autumn girls. If you are a naked seasonal girl feel free to contact me!

girl diver porn – so many strange types of porn. Is this a girl who does dirty things with a starfish?

insane clown posse porn – This isn’t a real thing, right! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME THIS ISN’T A REAL THING!

juggalos naked – For some reason, it’s a lot easier to find pictures of Juggalettes naked. Not that you’d really want to see many of them.

heavy metal girls nude

what are the queers doing to the soil? – They’re building landing strips for gay Martians. That’s why we need SPACE FORCE!

Happy Birthday Joe Strummer!


I sure hope Joe Strummer sees this and gives me a shout out! That would do wonders for my blog stats!

Wait… what? Oh…

I really need to do a better job of keeping up with celebrity news.

Nine Inch Nails “Closure”


(25 November 1997, Nothing/Interscope)

I’m not a huge collector of CDs and DVDs. As such, I don’t have a huge number of shelves and other areas to store them. This posed a bit of a problem when my last girlfriend was moving in and trying to find space for her movie collection on my tiny storage rack. A friend from work had given it to me several years ago when I moved and it’s served me well ever since. It has enough space that the bottom is nothing but Daniel Tiger and Peppa Pig DVDs for my daughter. But when Darcy moved in it wasn’t nearly enough for both of our collections.

The obvious solution was to remove a few of my ‘questionable for children’ movies and put them in the less-visible entertainment stand cupboard. I suggested moving the GG Allin documentary Hated, GWAR’s Ultimate Video Gwarchive and Nine Inch Nails’ Closure to that area. My daughter hasn’t taken any interest in this sort of thing yet, but it’s good to be proactive.

It seemed like a good idea and we were able to make enough room on the shelves for both of our collections. Nevermind that she replaced Closure with Scarface. I think that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve always loved the music video format and Nine Inch Nails were definitely at the top of the game. They were edgy, artsy, creative and controversial all rolled into one. The best part of this double VHS package is the tape that features all of their videos up to that point (with the exception of “Burn” from the Natural Born Killers soundtrack and “Gave Up” from the unreleased Broken movie).

Some of these videos I was familiar with from MTV and other stations: “Closer,” “The Perfect Drug,” “Head Like A Hole.” I even saw “Pinion” late one night. But a lot of these weren’t made to be aired on American TV. I was blown away by the strap-on clad, joint smoking guys in “Sin” and just a little disturbed by the torture machine in “Happiness in Slavery.” Throw in the musical snippets and electrocuting an elephant footage between the videos and you have the best music video collection ever released.

The other tape wasn’t nearly as good as I remembered. Which was strange considering this was one of the biggest musical influences on me during my teen years. Sure, there’s plenty of cool stuff on there: Backstage antics and destruction, celebrity/tourmate cameos featuring Lou Reed, Marilyn Manson, Jim Rose and David Bowie and live performances. Maybe in the DVD age, 60 minutes isn’t long enough for something like this and I would just like to have some more.

There are some great performances, “Terrible Lie,” “The Only Time,” and the “Hurt” duet with David Bowie are all great, but “Down in It” and “Something I Can Never Have” fall short. Plus, I’m unsure why “Wish” should appear on this tape when it appears on the other as both a live video and the official video. I guess I just would have liked to have seen more.

The best part is that we now live in the age of Youtube and all I have to do to see footage from early NIN shows, Lollapalooza or interviews is to open a tab on my browser and click down the rabbit hole. That’s never the same as having a nice physical copy of a video album. And this is one I’ll always cherish.

(I was going to post the NSFW “Happiness in Slavery,” but that’s not available on Youtube.)

You Can’t Say Anything Without Offending Someone


I’ve often heard the refrain “you can’t do anything without offending someone.” At first, I just shrugged it off as people being assholes and saying offensive things. I’ve never had much of a problem with it. But lately, I’ve noticed a few cases of political correctness run amok. I like to think of myself as a progressive and generally go with the flow, but there are a few terms I think it’s a shame we have whitewashed.

I mean, we used to be able to call people Nazis, Klansmen and racists. Now we have to call them “alt-right” or “White Nationalists.” It just doesn’t have the same gravitas to it. I mean, maybe we should get rid of Nazi as no one is actively plotting genocide (that we know of), but if you’re wearing a white robe with a pointy hat you’re a Klansman.

And the word ‘racist’ seems to have taken on the same air for whites as the N-word has for blacks. I’ve never seen white people get so offended at being called anything. We have our own racial epithets like ‘honkey,’ ‘birdshit’ and ‘peckerwood,’ but none of them ever elicited the same outrage as ‘spick,’ ‘chink’ or ‘nigger.’

Now people get pissed off about it. Someone will tell you that they never go to a certain Hardees because they have black cooks or that they’re voting for Trump because black on black violence makes it harder for them to do their job getting signatures on petitions, but when you call them racist they’re ready to fight you.

It’s so confusing.

We used to be able to call ignorant bigots like Archie Bunker buffoons, now we have to call them “Officer,” or “Your Honor” or “Mr. President.” It’s such a shame.

It’s weird that all these Trumpkins have such thin skin. Trump made his political name insulting President Obama. He has insulted all of his Republican rivals on the campaign trail, Senator John McCain, Pope Francis, NATO, The Department of Justice, the NFL, Justin Trudeau and one disabled reporter. You’d think a guy that dishes out the insults like that would be able to take them a little better. Oranges are known for their thick skin.

Everyone loved Trump for telling it like it is, but boy do they hate to see him called out.

But that’s a topic for another post.