Musical Friends – July 2014

Companies like Musician’s Friend and American Musical Supply do a great job of connecting aspiring musicians with instruments, accessories and amplification, but they don’t connect these future rock stars with what they really need to make it big: Bandmates!

The real money is to be found not in selling $2000 guitars to rich kid who will just get bored and let it collect dust in the corner of the bedroom, but to sell the perfect vocalist, guitarist or drummer to that guy who really wants to make it in a band and just needs another person who shares his enthusiasm, determination and complete and utter lack of talent.

Now that you’ve contacted all of your friends, put up a flyer in the local music store and posted your ad on Craigslist it’s time to try the one way to guarantee you find the right musicians for your project.

Welcome to: Musical Friends





Yankee Ingstrom

Yankee Ingstrom

The shredder (can’t play rhythm) – This guy can sweep pick arpeggios, slide, squeal, hammer on and pull off like all the masters! He can shred like Dimebag, Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Zakk Wyle, Van Halen or Ingvee Milmsteen!

Just don’t have him play rhythm. This dude can not play rhythm. Even “Smoke on the Water” is too much for him.

Comes complete with a volume pedal to turn him down (off) when he’s not soloing.

MSRP- Just take him. He’s constantly playing neoclassical crap in our warehouse and driving us all crazy.

Eric & Pattie_468x354The Steal Your Girlfriend – Perfect for emulating the sounds of Johnny Ramone or Eric Clapton! We all know at least one guy on the scene that will fuck anything he can get his hands on! This is the guy that you don’t want to leave alone with your girlfriend, wife, mother or daughter or any other vagina that is not tied down.

Comes with complimentary chastity belt so you don’t end up like Joey and George Harrison.

MSRP- No Alimony!

I have no idea who this guy is. He looks cool though.

I have no idea who this guy is. He looks cool though.

The Swede – To be perfectly honest… I have no idea how this guy sounds or if he can even play. He just looks the part.

MSRP – $200?



You know I can't play guitar until I put my makeup on.

You know I can’t play guitar until I put my makeup on.

The Fall Out Boy – A great player for power pop-punk. Just don’t make fun of his hair. He’s really sensitive about that.

MSRP – $800






Some guy.

Some guy.

That guy – Yeah. Him. You can have him play bass for you. It’s not hard.

MSRP – It doesn’t matter what we charge you it will be too much.

Your friend from elementary school – You probably talk to this guy more than you talk to the last guy you had play bass in your band, so might as well have him.

MSRP -$750.99

paul-mccartney-bassA Former Guitar Player Willing To Give The Bass A Shot – It could go either way: he’ll either perfectly compliment your guitar and drums with tasty fills and lay down a cool groove using licks his years of guitar playing has taught him or he’ll completely overplay distracting licks that differ so much from what the guitar and drums are doing that it’ll sound like a different song.

MSRP – $900

The Guy Who Couldn’t Get A Gig Playing Guitar So He’s Decided To Give Bass A Try – There’s probably a reason this dude couldn’t get a gig playing guitar. Is it his complete lack of talent? Or is he an insufferable dickhead? Order now to find out!

MSRP- $700

Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend – I’ve seen it done both ways. They’re already going to be at the show to make sure you don’t get any strange so why not?

MSRP – $40 (Hey, it was our idea.)



Keyboard Players – Wait… we’re still looking for these ourselves.




So You Wanna Join A Band?

imagesI’ve decided to start a series of band tips. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough that I have some wisdom to pass on. I’ve been doing it for a while and notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this.

I, in no way, profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not the free couch in my $355/month apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 271 likes on Facebook, 237 followers on Twitter and 745 fans on Reverbnation. I’m OK with these stats because we do well playing out and people seem to be enjoying our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at (or perhaps surpass me), if you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Part 2 – How to Not Join A Band

I hadn’t planned on doing this post, but I my bass player quit earlier this week and the first respondence to my open invite on Facebook left too perfect an example to pass up on.

Page One


Page Two

Page three

I do have a few questions I didn’t get a chance to ask:

a) Why would you use the single most racist word in the English language if don’t want people to think of you as a racist?

b) Was there supposed to be something in any of those seven comments to make me change my mind about not wanting to be in a band with someone who uses inappropriate language in extremely public places?

c) Have you ever though that the reason “every time some fucking asshole makes you wish you hadnt even offerred” is because you’re the asshole?

Yes, dear reader. I do realize that it’s rather passive-aggressive and assholish of me to post this on my blog without directly confronting this person, but I did have a few reasons for that:

1) I didn’t want to exacerbate the situation. I already tried to diffuse it politely (though looking back I may have come off as a little bit of a prick) and just wanted to get this off the site. I’m just as much a fan of freedom of speech as I am of my freedom not to associate with people I don’t agree with.

2) Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. He’ll knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut around like he won.

So let this be a lesson to you all. If you really, really, really, REALLY don’t want to join a band, or get a job, or make a good impression on people the quickest way to do that is the copious use of racial slurs!