Trump’s 100 best accomplishments in the First 100 days


Now that we’re on the 100th day of his I think it’s time we take a look back on the biggest accomplishments of Trump’s historic presidency.

 

100

99

98

97

96

95 ummmmmmmm

94

93

92

91

90

89 Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be.

88

87

86

85

84

83

82

81

80

79

78

77

76

75 I don’t hate moderate Republicans like John McCain or John Kasich as much as I used to. I suppose that’s a plus right.

74

73

72 

71

70

69

68

67

66

65

64

63

62 And then there’s the… oh, no. Nevermind.

61

60

59

58

57

56

55

54 Hmmmmm

53

52

51

50

49

48

47

46

45

44 

43

42

41

40

39

38

37

36

35

34

33

32 Then there was his controversial decision to… oh wait. That sucked too. 

31

30

29

28

27

26

25

24

23

22 Rember that time he sucked a whole bag of dicks? That was good right?

21

20

19

18

17

16

15

14 We haven’t nuked anyone yet. (Fingers crossed that I won’t have to update this before publishing it tomorrow.)

13

12

11

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1 #TheResistance

 

Wow! Can you believe all the great things Trump has managed to accomplish in just 100 days? I can’t wait until we can look back on all of his great works if he’s not impeached after he’s been in office 1,000 days. Then this list will be ten times as long!

Here’s hoping we can still use keyboards with our radioactive lobster hands!

 

Happy Easter


Have I ever complained on here about how Christmas is a much bigger holiday than Easter? I don’t understand why we celebrate Jesus’ birth with such gusto, but only commemorate his resurrection with chocolate bunnies and ham. Recent reports have shown that nearly 99.856% of all the people who have ever lived were, at some point in their lives, born.* And as far as I can recall only about three have ever returned from the dead… and that was all because of Jesus.

So anyway, enough of that. I won’t even complain about the lack of good Easter songs to share with you this year. I’ll just give you my favorite hymn.

 

*I totally didn’t make that number up.

Price Check


In case you somehow missed it, one of Donald Trump’s main proposals for his first budget is to increase defense spending by $54 billion. I guess it’s not enough that we spend as much as the next seven highest spending countries (or about the nominal GDP of Switzerland).

 
We need to spend more than the next NINE countries! Let’s spend as much as Saudi Arabia’s economy!

 
And can’t stop wondering: Can you put a price on peace?

 

It’s at least $700 billion.

 

 

 

Don’t Have To Live Like A Refugee


 

Damn, we’re only a week into the Trump presidency and I already wish I lived in an alternate reality; just like Trump supporters do.

A few months ago I was talking to a Canadian follower, Mike Ladano, in the comment section of “Icky Trump” and we got on the topic of the refugee crisis.

Do people worry about something bad happening? I asked him.

Oh yeah people are uneasy. Heck I’m uneasy! It’s naive to think ISIS will not use this tragedy to their advantage. It’s also naive to assume every country will be able to screen out all the bad people. But it’s a humanitarian crisis and people are split. A lot of “not our problem” vs. “Canada is the kind of country that helps.” A lot of “not worth the risk” vs. “we have to try to help”. And each side points to headlines around the world to make their points. 

This sentiment basically sums up how I feel about the issue. It would be naive of me to think that a few bad apples won’t make there way in with the rest of the bunch, but I’m not heartless enough to support turning away tens of thousand of people fleeing war, oppression and destruction. I’d like to think that America is the kind of country that would help; but sadly, I’ve been proven wrong.

I have a daughter and of course I worry about her, but the addition of Syrian refugees isn’t going to change that. I live in a community filled with people who think they need to own fully automatic AR-15s and whatever other type of high capacity weapons they can get their hands on because it’s their right to defend themselves against the tyranny of the federal government.

No, I’m not worried about refugees.

16265621_1435604136481766_5452606032854278941_nAnd the crazy thing about this: It’s not all based on a sense of righteousness or wanting to do the right thing. I honestly don’t think that bombing the shit out of Daesh is the way to defeat radical Islamic terrorism. Sure, we have enough nukes to kill every living thing on the planet seven times over, so we have the firepower to turn everything from Turkey to Iran into a glow-in-the-dark parking lot, but is that the answer?

When we send a drone strike to Yemen or Somalia or Sudan and kill a terrorist is that the end of the story? What about the terrorists’ friends? Or wife? Or brothers? Or children? These are people who will say “America killed my friend, my husband, my brother or my father. Is drone warfare eliminating terrorists or breeding them? If we send in a bomb to kill Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi how long to you think it would take before he is replaced? It took him eleven years after Saddam Hussein was overthrown, but with Assad on the ropes and the region in chaos, it won’t take long for someone else to rise to power.

And will they be any better?

I don’t want to come off like some sort of world-peace, patchouli-smelling hippie, but I don’t think war is helping anything at this point in history. I know Saddam Hussein was not a good guy. I know that Bashar al-Assad is not a good guy. I know that the terrorists getting hit by drone missiles are not good people. And yes, I know Donald Trump is doing what he thinks it right. The point that I’d like to make is I don’t agree with him.

We could send 325 million Americans to Mesopotamia each armed with 20 million bullets and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference. You can’t kill an ideology with a bullet. I think Trump is making it a lot easier for people who want to hate America to feel justified in that feeling. I know his rise to power has made me question my patriotism. How can I love a country that allows something like this to happen? A country that causes chaos in a part of the world then turns its back on those affected?

od6I’m not an expert on the subject, but didn’t I hear once that the best breeding ground for terrorists is refugee camps? If we want to stamp out radical Islamic terrorism shouldn’t we be welcoming people fleeing and showing them that we’re the good guys? Shouldn’t we be treating these people the way we want to be treated? Didn’t someone important once say ‘as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me‘?

The truth is that we can’t show Syrian refugees we’re the good guys because we’re not the good guys. I want to believe that there is hope (and I do see some), but it’s getting hard to believe. Calling America a Christian nation is an alternative fact.

I keep telling myself I’m doing some good from behind this computer. That I’m working and bettering myself and giving to charity and raising a caring, levelheaded daughter all that is enough. But I don’t really think it is. What I’d really like to do is sell all my possessions, join up with the UN, or Lutheran Immigration and Refugee Services or the Peace Corp or just fly to Turkey and see what I can do. I don’t know much about carpentry, nursing, medicine, peacekeeping or soldiering, but I’m a fast learner.

But I know that doing that wouldn’t be enough either.

Republicans Announce Obamacare Replacement


Neutron BombWashington – After months of planning and preparation Donald Trump and congressional Republicans are making good on their promise to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare.

“We turned to smart people for the answer,” Trump tweeted. “Bigly smart people. Jello. I love Jello. There’s always room for Jello.”

“There was really only one answer to the problem of dealing with the millions of people who are about to lose their health insurance because of us,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “And that’s the plan laid out by the Dead Kennedys on their album Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables. We’re gonna kill, kill, kill the poor.”

Republicans constantly cite people losing their insurance, rising premiums or being forced to change providers as proof of the law’s failure. Democrats point to the fact that 20 million people have gained coverage and can no longer be denied coverage due to preexisting conditions as proof of the laws success.

 

At this point no one really knows what to believe. Attitudes about the law are split largely along party lines.

I just know that my tax dollars go toward paying the health insurance for members of congress, government employees, people below the federal poverty line, incarcerated criminals and the elderly. But if you’re in the gray area between the poverty line and not being able to afford a $300/month insurance plan you’re royally fucked.

neutron_bombI’m not an expert on this subject. You shouldn’t trust my judgement, but I’m reasonably sure I’d benefit from socialized medicine and I’d be happy to pay a little extra in taxes if it meant I no longer had to buy insurance (or pay close to $1500 dollars for an illness I suffered last year).

I have a lot of respect for the Republican Party. It takes a lot of talent convince people who would benefit from socialism that it’s a bad thing because someone else might benefit more. I don’t understand it. It’s like burning down your house instead of letting a buddy crash on your couch.

Tax Returns Link Trump to Bieber, Nickelback, Others


Trump loves NickelbackNew York – After months of urging from foes and friends alike, Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns for public view. And while some of the result are not very shocking; others are certain to damage his campaign.

“Nobody was really shocked by the fact that he hasn’t paid any income taxes in 40 years,” said tax expert Edward Room. “Nor were we surprised to find that a lot of his businesses have ties to Russia or that he doesn’t give much to charity. Or that the main charities he gives to are NAMBLA* and the KKK. What did surprise people is that he’s invested so much money into Canadian recording artists.”

Trump’s tax returns show generous gifts to the likes of Nickelback, Justin Bieber, Bryan Adams, Snow, Loverboy and Celine Dion. He not only paid room service bills and tour bus maintenance, but also used illegal Mexican immigrants to ensure no star ever saw a brown M&M.

“It is shocking that a man seeking to become President of the United States would bankroll a band that has been sentenced to death in most of the civilized world,” said Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. “The list of bands he has had play weddings, bar mitzvahs and Klan rallies reads like a who’s who of the most hated artists in the world.”

The Donald was quick with a rebuttal, which he posted on Twitter: “Lyin’ Hillary is just mad she hasn’t seen Chad Kroeger’s penis like Ivanka has. Sad.”

While Trump’s supporters have stood by him through all of his xenophobic, racist, misogynistic and generally unhinged statements (as well as numerous sexual assault allegations), many have seen this as the last straw.

The Governor wanted to remain anonymous in this publication for fear of being made to listen to Loverboy.

The Governor wanted to remain anonymous in this publication for fear of being made to listen to Loverboy.

“I don’t see why he couldn’t give that money to a good, patriotic American band,” said Wilbur Oats of Macon, GA. “Someone like Lynyrd Skynyrd or Kid Rock.”

“I wasn’t so mad about the bankruptcies, divorces or ties to the mafia, but this really has me re questioning my loyalties,” said a Governor of Indiana who asked to remain anonymous.

The disclosure has also cost Trump his few remaining political allies with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan withdrawing his endorsement of Trump right before entering his office and playing The Battle of Los Angeles as loud as the speaker’s speakers would allow.

*which apparently is a real thing and not just a South Park joke