Staind “Dysfunction”


(13 April 1999 Flip, Elektra)

One of the coolest things about writing this blog for the past several years has been going back to albums I loved as a teenager and hearing whether or not they’ve stood the test of time. I think I made mostly good decisions back then, but there have been a few that made me wonder what the hell I was thinking.

Staind’s Dysfunction is one that I don’t even want to go back and listen to. Don’t get me wrong, I remember really liking it. It was different. “Just Go” was the first song of theirs I heard. It came on the radio at some point and was weird and powerful enough to leave an impression. I don’t remember first hearing “Mudshovel” or “Home,” but both were the type of songs I would hear later and think ‘I know that song… I’ve heard that before.’

I always liked Mike Mushok’s guitar work. He didn’t play like any of the nu-metallers and really had his own, unique style. Aaron  Lewis also seemed a little out of place because he could actually sing and didn’t just rely on growls or spitting rhymes.

But… well… “It’s Been A While.”

For fuck’s sake, you could not avoid that song when it came out. If you turned on the radio for 20 minutes in 2001 you would hear that song. And every fucking song they came out with after that was the exact same bullshit. I remember hearing a tune from them in college that I enjoyed – I assume it came from 2011’s self-titled album – but when I listened to the album on Spotify it didn’t impress me much.

And don’t even get me started on Aaron Lewis. That guy has one helluva screw loose. Every time I seem him in the news it’s on MetalSucks.com because he did something extremely birdbrained like comparing Fred Durst to the Dalai Lama or storming off stage after telling the crowd he doesn’t speak Spanish because he’s an American. * It’s like he hired Donald Trump’s Public Relation’s Guy.

Honestly, Dysfunction may still be a joy to listen to. And it may be possible for a washed-up metal singer to go country without turning into a MAGA hat wearing numbskull, but I’m not going to answer any of those questions here.

 

*I also occasionally use the “I don’t _____, because I’m American” thing occasionally, but I’m always joking. There are lots of things people from other countries enjoy that I just don’t get like drinking hot tea, playing futbol and not having to take out second mortgages to pay for costly medical procedures but I hope you know that I respect you all.

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A Little Disappointing


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It’s really cool that we finally have the first real pictures of a black hole, but after watching that Soundgarden video it’s a little disappointing.

How to Freak Out Your Mechanic


I don’t work on cars, but I do work on machines. Something anyone who works on mechanical things hears a lot is “It’s making a funny sound.”

That doesn’t tell me much, so I tend to ask a few follow-up questions.

“Well, can you be more specific? Is it a THUNK or a SSSKKKKKRREEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

“Does it sound like Lynyrd Skynyrd or Flipper? Is it more The Prodigy or Chemical Brothers? Oh… it sounds like Todd Rundgren? That’s nothing to worry about.”

 

If you really want to freak a mechanic/maintenance person out, just tell us it’s making a strange sound… and it’s just like Nickelback!

Oh Shit! Hit the E-Stop! It’s about to blow!

Ariana Grande Releases Remix of “7 Rings”


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Ariana Grande released a remix of her new single. “7 Rings (Japanese BBQ Finger Mix)” is now available wherever music is sold.

A deluxe 12″ Version of the single also features a “Get off My Nutz Mix,” “All Your Base Are Belonging to Us Mix” and an “Extreme Mayan Makeover Dub Mix” from Al Jourgenson.

Grande has also fired her Kanji tutor and tattoo artist. Hopefully, she has a sense of humor and doesn’t pursue legal action against any satirical bloggers.

 

 

Are You Lost 24


I like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics. Of course, what’s really happening is that people type stupid shit into Google and end up here.

After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


cant say anything without affending someone – I think more people are offended by the thought of others being offended.

catfishstew.porn

rubber drysuit girl

I’ll do you one better. Here’s a pic of a Blunt and a Dick

dicks picture

art garfunkel audible – some poor bastard was hoping to download a copy of “What Is It All but Luminous: Notes from an Underground Man” and ended up here. Now they are immortalized with all these perverts looking for weird porn.

ugly girls

oliver sykes the musician jerking his cock – Seek help, sir! Seek help!

scott stapp thinks about trump na make america great again – I’ll never understand why people seem to care so much about Scott Stapp’s views on politics. It’s not like he’s Taylor Swift or something.

because trump can suck a big bag o’ dicks!

trump sucks dirty donkey dick

does donald truimp suck cock? – That’s an interesting question. I’d like to see a reporter ask this just so the president would have to answer it. Sure, it’s demeaning to the office of the president, but how much lower can we really go at this point?

trumps big mouth is chewing dick – I wish. At least then he wouldn’t be able to speak.

 

 

Are You Lost 23


I like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics. Of course, what’s really happening is that people type stupid shit into Google and end up here.

After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


Something noncontroversial that everyone agrees on.

duck guy hates nickelback

nude protest – All of the greatest protests are nude. True story.

oregon girl tits 2017

gwar porn 

naked summer girl – I would really like to do a blog about naked summer girls, but I’ll settle for doing one about naked winter or even naked autumn girls. If you are a naked seasonal girl feel free to contact me!

girl diver porn – so many strange types of porn. Is this a girl who does dirty things with a starfish?

insane clown posse porn – This isn’t a real thing, right! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME THIS ISN’T A REAL THING!

juggalos naked – For some reason, it’s a lot easier to find pictures of Juggalettes naked. Not that you’d really want to see many of them.

heavy metal girls nude

what are the queers doing to the soil? – They’re building landing strips for gay Martians. That’s why we need SPACE FORCE!

You Can’t Say Anything Without Offending Someone


I’ve often heard the refrain “you can’t do anything without offending someone.” At first, I just shrugged it off as people being assholes and saying offensive things. I’ve never had much of a problem with it. But lately, I’ve noticed a few cases of political correctness run amok. I like to think of myself as a progressive and generally go with the flow, but there are a few terms I think it’s a shame we have whitewashed.

I mean, we used to be able to call people Nazis, Klansmen and racists. Now we have to call them “alt-right” or “White Nationalists.” It just doesn’t have the same gravitas to it. I mean, maybe we should get rid of Nazi as no one is actively plotting genocide (that we know of), but if you’re wearing a white robe with a pointy hat you’re a Klansman.

And the word ‘racist’ seems to have taken on the same air for whites as the N-word has for blacks. I’ve never seen white people get so offended at being called anything. We have our own racial epithets like ‘honkey,’ ‘birdshit’ and ‘peckerwood,’ but none of them ever elicited the same outrage as ‘spick,’ ‘chink’ or ‘nigger.’

Now people get pissed off about it. Someone will tell you that they never go to a certain Hardees because they have black cooks or that they’re voting for Trump because black on black violence makes it harder for them to do their job getting signatures on petitions, but when you call them racist they’re ready to fight you.

It’s so confusing.

We used to be able to call ignorant bigots like Archie Bunker buffoons, now we have to call them “Officer,” or “Your Honor” or “Mr. President.” It’s such a shame.

It’s weird that all these Trumpkins have such thin skin. Trump made his political name insulting President Obama. He has insulted all of his Republican rivals on the campaign trail, Senator John McCain, Pope Francis, NATO, The Department of Justice, the NFL, Justin Trudeau and one disabled reporter. You’d think a guy that dishes out the insults like that would be able to take them a little better. Oranges are known for their thick skin.

Everyone loved Trump for telling it like it is, but boy do they hate to see him called out.

But that’s a topic for another post.

 

Trump Returns from Putin Meeting with Black Eye


Washington D.C. – President Trump returned from Helsinki on Tuesday, after spending several romantic days with his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. When asked about the shiner on his left eye he insisted he walked into an open door.

The truth was revealed later at a press conference.

“Putin is just under a lot of stress,” said the battered president. “He told me he’ll never do it again and I believe him. You don’t know the pressure he’s under. He has to run not just one country, but two. Do you really think I could do this without him?”

He then returned to the abused woman logic of insisting it was all his fault.

“Look, he started the meeting by saying I couldn’t ask him about Crimea and I did. It’s really all my fault for bringing up that subject as well as asking how we’re going to deal with this whole election meddling thing.”

While I’m sure to those reading this who are not in the US, UK or Ukraine this satirical article is very humorous, I can assure you to many of us in the US it is quite embarrassing.

Build the Wall!


I got the song “Hot Blooded” stuck in my head yesterday, and it was enough to make me completely change my opinion on immigration. After having to deal with that song for about 20 minutes, I now think we should ban all Foreigner from entering this country.

No “Urgent.” No “Juke Box Hero.” No “Double Vision.” No, I don’t want to know what love is. No “Head Games” or “Dirty White Boy.” No “Separate Ways.” Wait… that’s Journey. Oh well, we’ll ban them too. Just until we figure this thing out.

Don’t think “Hot Blooded” stuck in your head is enough to make you want to build a wall and issue a travel ban? Well, check it.

You’ll see.

 

(Holy crap, I didn’t intend to watch that video. I was just going to post it, but I couldn’t look away. That may be one of the greatest music videos ever filmed!)

Special on Eardrum Heads!


Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you could replace eardrum heads the same what you do snare drum heads? Well, now you can! Musical Friends is excited to be offering bargain-basement discount prices on eardrum heads!

We have eardrum heads from Remo! Aquarian! Stryker Corp! Evans! Yamaha! Zimmer Biomet! Tama!  And probably a few more companies, but those are actually the only companies I know of that make drum heads!

We have bass drum heads for if you’d like to hear everything super low, high tom heads for if you want things kinda high, and floor tom head for if you just want to hear things normally!

You can even put a snare head on your eardrum! I have no idea why you would want to do this, it’s not like the hammer, anvil and stirrup bones are going to take the place of the rattle of metal wires on the bottom of the snare drum. And even if they did, wouldn’t that just be annoying as all holy hell? What if you fuck up and get the sound that Lars Ulrich used on St. Anger? Could you imagine the living hell of everything in the world sounding like the snare drum on St. Anger? I just did and it sent shivers down my spine.

We offer electronic eardrumheads and eardrumhead machines that can be plugged directly into the brain. We’re not sure exactly which port in your brain to plug them into, but I’m sure there’s a neurologist somewhere who can help. Actually, I’m not sure. The human brain is the most complex computer known to humanity, but if you have money to burn feel free to buy one of these for $1800!

Most of our stuff is dirt cheap because you’re going to need every penny for the surgeon who’s going to install these puppies. Oh, and make sure he uses a Musical Friends’ approved drum key! 😉