A face only a metalhead could love!
Death Metal Cat For Rent
Are you a black metal, death metal, grindcore, deathcore, blackened death metal, death-doom or pornogrind band? Are you planning to shoot a music video in the forest? Are you looking for something that will make your low-budget, amateur video stand out among the millions of other talentless crap bands doing the exact same thing?
Well, look no further! I present you with RUDY THE DEATH METAL CAT!
I know what you’re thinking: who gives a fuck about a cat?
This isn’t just any ordinary cat. This is a black and white Norwegian Forest Cat with a bad case of resting bitch face. SHE ALREADY IS WEARING CORPSE PAINT! IT’S HER FUR!
She has been the singer for numerous nationally touring acts including Bloody Litter Box, Bathtub Shitter, Kiss the Anus Of A Black Cat, Scattered Litter, Squeaky Mice Drive Kitties Nuts and Satariel.* I know what you’re thinking: That’s ridiculous. She’s only four years old. How could she have toured with all these bands? Well, what’s ridiculous is that you’re thinking in HUMAN years. In cat years she’s probably in her mid to late twenties which means she’s had plenty of time to front these bands and release cool, independent albums that are so obscure and cool you’ve never heard of them.
I should also point out that she is a very unfriendly cat. I should probably come with her as a handler. Unless you want her to hiss, claw and draw blood from you. On second thought, you probably don’t need me to be a handler. That’ll make the video cooler.
Fancy, but not too fancy
We have a zero tolerance sexual harassment policy! Any painting of a white stripe on her back and allowing skunks to chase her around whispering sweet nothings in her ear will not be tolerated!
Rates are €17/hour or €125/day plus travel costs and three bowls of Meow Mix’s Indoor Formula
She is a really picky eater so she probably won’t lap up blood or eat raw hamburger or anything, but if you want that I have an orange tabby that will chow down on just about anything.
Serious inquiries only! Reply below.
* I actually only made up some of those names. A few are real.