Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Spoiler Free)


I’m finally getting around to writing my SPOILER FREE review of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. It was a good flick. I was pleasantly surprised by the interesting and engaging the plot. The past four movies have all been “we’re stuck on an island with dinosaurs trying to eat us and we have to escape,” but this one finally has something different. I also liked that there were some different dinosaurs in this one. Not just super-genetically-mutated ones, but some based on actual dinosaurs that hadn’t made their film debuts.

Personally, I really enjoyed seeing the Ankylosaur. Oh shit, was that a spoiler? It’s the last one I promise.

The best part of the movie came toward the end when Tyrannosaurus Rex ate a guy and the little kid in front of me in the theater started giggling and said “Silly Dinosaur!” That was a priceless moment.

The second best part is that the actor who played Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs is in it. You’ll recognize him not only for his voice but also because his character is obsessed with killing and skinning dinosaurs to make a suit. “It puts the lotion on its scales or else I give a yank to its tail.”

I’m not going to tell you what happens to his poodle. No more spoilers!

 

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Trump Returns from Putin Meeting with Black Eye


Washington D.C. – President Trump returned from Helsinki on Tuesday, after spending several romantic days with his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. When asked about the shiner on his left eye he insisted he walked into an open door.

The truth was revealed later at a press conference.

“Putin is just under a lot of stress,” said the battered president. “He told me he’ll never do it again and I believe him. You don’t know the pressure he’s under. He has to run not just one country, but two. Do you really think I could do this without him?”

He then returned to the abused woman logic of insisting it was all his fault.

“Look, he started the meeting by saying I couldn’t ask him about Crimea and I did. It’s really all my fault for bringing up that subject as well as asking how we’re going to deal with this whole election meddling thing.”

While I’m sure to those reading this who are not in the US, UK or Ukraine this satirical article is very humorous, I can assure you to many of us in the US it is quite embarrassing.

Build the Wall!


I got the song “Hot Blooded” stuck in my head yesterday, and it was enough to make me completely change my opinion on immigration. After having to deal with that song for about 20 minutes, I now think we should ban all Foreigner from entering this country.

No “Urgent.” No “Juke Box Hero.” No “Double Vision.” No, I don’t want to know what love is. No “Head Games” or “Dirty White Boy.” No “Separate Ways.” Wait… that’s Journey. Oh well, we’ll ban them too. Just until we figure this thing out.

Don’t think “Hot Blooded” stuck in your head is enough to make you want to build a wall and issue a travel ban? Well, check it.

You’ll see.

 

(Holy crap, I didn’t intend to watch that video. I was just going to post it, but I couldn’t look away. That may be one of the greatest music videos ever filmed!)

Special on Eardrum Heads!


Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you could replace eardrum heads the same what you do snare drum heads? Well, now you can! Musical Friends is excited to be offering bargain-basement discount prices on eardrum heads!

We have eardrum heads from Remo! Aquarian! Stryker Corp! Evans! Yamaha! Zimmer Biomet! Tama!  And probably a few more companies, but those are actually the only companies I know of that make drum heads!

We have bass drum heads for if you’d like to hear everything super low, high tom heads for if you want things kinda high, and floor tom head for if you just want to hear things normally!

You can even put a snare head on your eardrum! I have no idea why you would want to do this, it’s not like the hammer, anvil and stirrup bones are going to take the place of the rattle of metal wires on the bottom of the snare drum. And even if they did, wouldn’t that just be annoying as all holy hell? What if you fuck up and get the sound that Lars Ulrich used on St. Anger? Could you imagine the living hell of everything in the world sounding like the snare drum on St. Anger? I just did and it sent shivers down my spine.

We offer electronic eardrumheads and eardrumhead machines that can be plugged directly into the brain. We’re not sure exactly which port in your brain to plug them into, but I’m sure there’s a neurologist somewhere who can help. Actually, I’m not sure. The human brain is the most complex computer known to humanity, but if you have money to burn feel free to buy one of these for $1800!

Most of our stuff is dirt cheap because you’re going to need every penny for the surgeon who’s going to install these puppies. Oh, and make sure he uses a Musical Friends’ approved drum key! 😉

 

Did you hear?


Did you hear about L7 getting back together after a long hiatus? They’ve released a few new tunes and are even doing some touring.

I’d really like to go see them in concert, but I’d be really pissed off if I didn’t get hit by a used tampon. That would be as bad as going to a GG Allin show and not leaving covered in shit.

Thor: Ragnarok


Welcome to the slaughter, what are you going to do?

I enjoyed the most recent release of the Thor franchise: Ragnarok. It had action. It had comedy. It had the Incredible Hulk. It had a little bit of stuff that confused me. (like Idris Elba’s character. Who the fuck was he? He looked like Dreadmon from the Ninja Turtles.) For the most part, it was an enjoyable escape from reality for two hours.

But this isn’t a review of Thor: Ragnarok. I don’t do movie reviews (very often). I do music reviews. And something about the music in Thor: Ragnarok really pissed me off!

Not the score. I’m sure the score was fine. I barely noticed it so it couldn’t have been that bad. What pissed me off was that the only rock song used in the film was “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin. What the fuck, producers? Did you not see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? That song was already used in a movie this decade. Is there some new law stating that any movie about/set in/referencing the mythology of Scandinavia NEEDS to have that fucking Zeppelin song in it?

That’s total bullshit. There are more than enough bands that could provide songs for fight scenes that are actually from Scandinavia. I’m betting a few of them even worship Thor. Or Loki or Odin or whoever black metal band people worship. You don’t have to keep using that same song from an English band about Vikings or wizards or fucking trees talking to each other. For fuck’s sake, the only thing Scandinavia is known for is socialism and black metal.

But if you’d like to use the music from some American (well, American/Israeli or American/Canadian) bands I can think of a few good choices.

1.) Kiss has a song called “God of Thunder.” I’m not a huge Kiss fan so I can’t pick this track out of a lineup, but with all the focus on how Thor is the god of thunder in this flick you’d think that track would have made an appearance.

Then again, maybe they used that in the first movie. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point during that one so maybe I missed it. Did it play during the credits like Black Sabbath did in the first Iron Man? Or it could have been used in the second film. There was a second film, right? I didn’t even bother to watch that one. Who can keep up with all these things?

B.) How about the song I got stuck in my head every time I saw that damn poster. It comes from the album Ragnarok by the greatest band ever to come to Earth from another galaxy. Yes, I’m talking about GWAR’s “Ragnarok.” That would have been perfect for some battle scenes. It might not be my favorite track of theirs, but it’s definitely top five.

Anything is better than that fucking “Immigrant Song.”

Bastards.

Original Motion Picture Soundtrack “Tommy Boy”


I don’t usually buy albums based on one track. I’ve been burned this way a few times in the past and thanks to Spotify, I can now listen to an album multiple times before deciding whether to spend my hard earned money on it. But when I saw this album for $1 and it contained the track “Fat Guy in a Little Coat,” I knew I have to have it.

Aside from the classic “Fat Guy,” you also get “Jerk Motel,” “My Pretty Little Pet” and “Housekeeping.” It’s a little disappointing to not have “Every time I drive down the road I want to jerk the wheel into a bridge abutment!” or the pitch where he was lighting model cars on fire, but there are still a few great additions to my library.

The music is all middle-of-the-road rock from the nineties. Paul Westerberg, Primal Scream and the Smoking Popes all make appearances with tunes I still can’t pick out of a lineup. The Goo Goo Dolls are on here with a song from their early days before they were truly horrible. Soul Coughing does a song they wouldn’t have release post-9/11. It also has R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine),” which I remember from the movie and “Come on Eileen” which I don’t.

Yet again, I feel like the tracklist could have benefitted from the inclusion of Chris Farley and Brian Dennehy doing “What I Say,” but they didn’t consult me when preparing this.

The best song on the album is a cover of Kiss’s “I Love it Loud” by a band I’ve never heard of called Phunk Junkeez. It’s pretty hard to screw up a Kiss song and they really knocked it out of the park by adding some Public Enemy samples.

 

This isn’t the kind of an album you’d want to immerse yourself in with great headphones. I usually listen to it as background music on road trips. But if you do that make sure you remove the oil can before you cue up the Carpenters’ “Superstar.”

Are You Lost 22


I like to think it’s because I’m a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics.Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into Google and somehow ending up here.

Of course, what really happens is people type crazy shit into Google and somehow end up here. After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


stevie nicks nue – finally, someone looking for something nue.

stevie nicks desnuda

“stevie nicks” nude

kind girl nude – Personally, I prefer mean girls nude.

 

This is the only guy I know of with a red penis.

man with a red penis – This raises so many questions…

 

driven by boredom.com nude

mike patton overated dickhead – I’m not sure about his personality, but I do get tired of hearing about him.

vulvatron nude – personally, I’d rather see her with clothes on.

sexy nude phish chick – Does this exist? I’m guessing Phish has some good lucking female fans, but can you ever call them “nude” if they don’t shave their armpits or legs?
dicks – Eight searches for dicks have led to my site this year. Eight! What the hell have I done with my life?

Happy Easter


Yet another Easter; yet another chance to reflect on the fact that there are a million and a half Christmas songs and no Easter songs.

Such bullshit.

Wait… What is this? Band named after our Lord and savior? A song about rising? Could this be the perfect Easter song?

 

Happy Easter everyone. Enjoy the chocolate bunnies and colorful eggs.

Strange Solace


This is us after the Descendents concert last year.

This will be my first Valentine’s Day without a date in several years. My girlfriend passed away a few weeks ago. I know I’ve written about her on here before so you may have heard about some of her health struggles. Still, it was a shock. Even with all of her medical problems I still expected her to live a longer life.

But enough about that. I didn’t want to write this post to reflect on that, but because it actually leads to a somewhat humorous music story.

I don’t know how many people reading this have lost loved ones, but have you noticed a lot of strange thoughts popping into your head immediately after? Among all the thinking about who I needed to call, how I was now in charge of scooping the cat box and wondering what was going to become of the department store that was her wardrobe I got the Vandals’ “My Girlfriend’s Dead” stuck in my head.

I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck? You sick bastard! That’s so disrespectful! Why would you think of that song! Have you no shame? Or at least I imagine you’re thinking these things because the first day I was thinking the exact same thoughts.

Then I remembered something: She loved that album! We were in the car a while ago and it was playing. I went to take it out because I have listened to it already but she stopped me. There are a lot of great tracks on Hitler Bad, Vandals Good. I remember posting “If The Government Could Read My Mind” on her Facebook wall when we were first dating. And she told me a college friend suggested to her that “F’d up Girl” could have been written about her.*

There are a lot of other songs that’ll make me think of her. I know when I got the Descendents I Don’t Wanna Grow Up she said “Silly Girl” was about her. “That’s about me,’ she said. “I’m a silly girl and you’re in love with me.”

Her dad asked if there were any good songs we could play at the funeral and I had to pass on any suggestions.

But even though it’s about a guy lying about a breakup I think “My Girlfriend’s Dead” will probably be our song. Strange as it may seem, I think she would have wanted it that way.

 

*He was right.