Are You Lost 23


I like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics. Of course, what’s really happening is that people type stupid shit into Google and end up here.

After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


Something noncontroversial that everyone agrees on.

duck guy hates nickelback

nude protest – All of the greatest protests are nude. True story.

oregon girl tits 2017

gwar porn 

naked summer girl – I would really like to do a blog about naked summer girls, but I’ll settle for doing one about naked winter or even naked autumn girls. If you are a naked seasonal girl feel free to contact me!

girl diver porn – so many strange types of porn. Is this a girl who does dirty things with a starfish?

insane clown posse porn – This isn’t a real thing, right! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME THIS ISN’T A REAL THING!

juggalos naked – For some reason, it’s a lot easier to find pictures of Juggalettes naked. Not that you’d really want to see many of them.

heavy metal girls nude

what are the queers doing to the soil? – They’re building landing strips for gay Martians. That’s why we need SPACE FORCE!

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Nine Inch Nails “Closure”


(25 November 1997, Nothing/Interscope)

I’m not a huge collector of CDs and DVDs. As such, I don’t have a huge number of shelves and other areas to store them. This posed a bit of a problem when my last girlfriend was moving in and trying to find space for her movie collection on my tiny storage rack. A friend from work had given it to me several years ago when I moved and it’s served me well ever since. It has enough space that the bottom is nothing but Daniel Tiger and Peppa Pig DVDs for my daughter. But when Darcy moved in it wasn’t nearly enough for both of our collections.

The obvious solution was to remove a few of my ‘questionable for children’ movies and put them in the less-visible entertainment stand cupboard. I suggested moving the GG Allin documentary Hated, GWAR’s Ultimate Video Gwarchive and Nine Inch Nails’ Closure to that area. My daughter hasn’t taken any interest in this sort of thing yet, but it’s good to be proactive.

It seemed like a good idea and we were able to make enough room on the shelves for both of our collections. Nevermind that she replaced Closure with Scarface. I think that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ve always loved the music video format and Nine Inch Nails were definitely at the top of the game. They were edgy, artsy, creative and controversial all rolled into one. The best part of this double VHS package is the tape that features all of their videos up to that point (with the exception of “Burn” from the Natural Born Killers soundtrack and “Gave Up” from the unreleased Broken movie).

Some of these videos I was familiar with from MTV and other stations: “Closer,” “The Perfect Drug,” “Head Like A Hole.” I even saw “Pinion” late one night. But a lot of these weren’t made to be aired on American TV. I was blown away by the strap-on clad, joint smoking guys in “Sin” and just a little disturbed by the torture machine in “Happiness in Slavery.” Throw in the musical snippets and electrocuting an elephant footage between the videos and you have the best music video collection ever released.

The other tape wasn’t nearly as good as I remembered. Which was strange considering this was one of the biggest musical influences on me during my teen years. Sure, there’s plenty of cool stuff on there: Backstage antics and destruction, celebrity/tourmate cameos featuring Lou Reed, Marilyn Manson, Jim Rose and David Bowie and live performances. Maybe in the DVD age, 60 minutes isn’t long enough for something like this and I would just like to have some more.

There are some great performances, “Terrible Lie,” “The Only Time,” and the “Hurt” duet with David Bowie are all great, but “Down in It” and “Something I Can Never Have” fall short. Plus, I’m unsure why “Wish” should appear on this tape when it appears on the other as both a live video and the official video. I guess I just would have liked to have seen more.

The best part is that we now live in the age of Youtube and all I have to do to see footage from early NIN shows, Lollapalooza or interviews is to open a tab on my browser and click down the rabbit hole. That’s never the same as having a nice physical copy of a video album. And this is one I’ll always cherish.

(I was going to post the NSFW “Happiness in Slavery,” but that’s not available on Youtube.)

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Spoiler Free)


I’m finally getting around to writing my SPOILER FREE review of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. It was a good flick. I was pleasantly surprised by the interesting and engaging the plot. The past four movies have all been “we’re stuck on an island with dinosaurs trying to eat us and we have to escape,” but this one finally has something different. I also liked that there were some different dinosaurs in this one. Not just super-genetically-mutated ones, but some based on actual dinosaurs that hadn’t made their film debuts.

Personally, I really enjoyed seeing the Ankylosaur. Oh shit, was that a spoiler? It’s the last one I promise.

The best part of the movie came toward the end when Tyrannosaurus Rex ate a guy and the little kid in front of me in the theater started giggling and said “Silly Dinosaur!” That was a priceless moment.

The second best part is that the actor who played Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs is in it. You’ll recognize him not only for his voice but also because his character is obsessed with killing and skinning dinosaurs to make a suit. “It puts the lotion on its scales or else I give a yank to its tail.”

I’m not going to tell you what happens to his poodle. No more spoilers!

 

Fuel “Sunburn”


(31 March 1998, 550, Epic)

A recent swimming trip with my daughter left me thinking about this album. I have the title all over my back! But it’s a good album to be thinking of. This is one that has survived numerous trips to the used record store to be sold. They never made an offer, but I liked it too much to send it to the Goodwill. So it’s remained in my collection.

It’s not the greatest album I own, but it’s far from the worst. It’s easy to lump Fuel in with all the other post-Grunge groups of the late nineties who only saw 15 minutes of fame, but Fuel has stuck with me through the years. Probably because my Mom loves them so much. But it could be that there’s some great songwriting here too.

“Shimmer” and “Sunburn” are both great tunes and obvious for singles. Both are the kind of semi-ballads that I can imagine listening to while dealing with a breakup.

What makes the album unique are the strange sounds that come in places like the into of “Bittersweet.” I have no idea what chord that is. The rest of the song is a great stereotypical hard rocker, but then it breaks to a really weird atmospheric guitar sound. There’s a great sense of balance there.

I’ve always loved “Jesus or a Gun.” It’ like American Psycho; there’s a message hidden in there. I have no idea what that message is, but I know it’s there.

Looking back on the singles it’s weird that these guys didn’t hit it big for another two years, but even the other tracks have some great stuff. I suppose a lot of it may come off as derivative though. A lot of other bands were doing stuff like this at the time. “It’s Come to This” makes me think of the Smashing Pumpkins for the experimental, atmospheric guitar tones. “Song For You” reminds me of Candlebox with the single-note intro. Not that Fuel was trying to ape these groups, it’s just a hazard of sharing a genre.

There are some other great hard rockers in there too. Opener “Untitled” is a great attention getter. “Ozone” is another that makes my ears perk up.

While some groups seemed to just jump aboard the grunge bandwagon as a way to fame, Sunburn scorches with authenticity. It’s not so much grungy as it is a solidly written album that just happened to be released when that was the sound you got.

You’d obviously be forgiven in 2018 for writing these guys off and not paying any attention, but you’d be missing out.

Build the Wall!


I got the song “Hot Blooded” stuck in my head yesterday, and it was enough to make me completely change my opinion on immigration. After having to deal with that song for about 20 minutes, I now think we should ban all Foreigner from entering this country.

No “Urgent.” No “Juke Box Hero.” No “Double Vision.” No, I don’t want to know what love is. No “Head Games” or “Dirty White Boy.” No “Separate Ways.” Wait… that’s Journey. Oh well, we’ll ban them too. Just until we figure this thing out.

Don’t think “Hot Blooded” stuck in your head is enough to make you want to build a wall and issue a travel ban? Well, check it.

You’ll see.

 

(Holy crap, I didn’t intend to watch that video. I was just going to post it, but I couldn’t look away. That may be one of the greatest music videos ever filmed!)

Special on Eardrum Heads!


Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you could replace eardrum heads the same what you do snare drum heads? Well, now you can! Musical Friends is excited to be offering bargain-basement discount prices on eardrum heads!

We have eardrum heads from Remo! Aquarian! Stryker Corp! Evans! Yamaha! Zimmer Biomet! Tama!  And probably a few more companies, but those are actually the only companies I know of that make drum heads!

We have bass drum heads for if you’d like to hear everything super low, high tom heads for if you want things kinda high, and floor tom head for if you just want to hear things normally!

You can even put a snare head on your eardrum! I have no idea why you would want to do this, it’s not like the hammer, anvil and stirrup bones are going to take the place of the rattle of metal wires on the bottom of the snare drum. And even if they did, wouldn’t that just be annoying as all holy hell? What if you fuck up and get the sound that Lars Ulrich used on St. Anger? Could you imagine the living hell of everything in the world sounding like the snare drum on St. Anger? I just did and it sent shivers down my spine.

We offer electronic eardrumheads and eardrumhead machines that can be plugged directly into the brain. We’re not sure exactly which port in your brain to plug them into, but I’m sure there’s a neurologist somewhere who can help. Actually, I’m not sure. The human brain is the most complex computer known to humanity, but if you have money to burn feel free to buy one of these for $1800!

Most of our stuff is dirt cheap because you’re going to need every penny for the surgeon who’s going to install these puppies. Oh, and make sure he uses a Musical Friends’ approved drum key! 😉

 

Happy Birthday Prince


I never meant to do a “Happy Birthday” series, but that seems to be what’s happening. It’s working out OK so far. It’s nice to do something light every now and again.

I was going to tag Prince onto the Marky Mark post, but that seemed more than a little disrespectful. It’s a lot harder to decide which song to choose to celebrate his accomplishments. He’s like the exact opposite of Marky Mark.

So, I’m not going to just choose one.

 

I hope you’re all as sexually confused as I am after watching that last one…

What’s your favorite Prince song? Can you even choose?

Happy Birthday Mark Wahlberg


I’m loving this left-handed people calendar. It gives me the chance to do horrible posts like this.

I know what you’re thinking, Mark Wahlberg isn’t a musician. Well, to prove you right here’s the video for his 1991 hit single with the Funky Bunch “Good Vibrations”:

 

Thor: Ragnarok


Welcome to the slaughter, what are you going to do?

I enjoyed the most recent release of the Thor franchise: Ragnarok. It had action. It had comedy. It had the Incredible Hulk. It had a little bit of stuff that confused me. (like Idris Elba’s character. Who the fuck was he? He looked like Dreadmon from the Ninja Turtles.) For the most part, it was an enjoyable escape from reality for two hours.

But this isn’t a review of Thor: Ragnarok. I don’t do movie reviews (very often). I do music reviews. And something about the music in Thor: Ragnarok really pissed me off!

Not the score. I’m sure the score was fine. I barely noticed it so it couldn’t have been that bad. What pissed me off was that the only rock song used in the film was “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin. What the fuck, producers? Did you not see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo? That song was already used in a movie this decade. Is there some new law stating that any movie about/set in/referencing the mythology of Scandinavia NEEDS to have that fucking Zeppelin song in it?

That’s total bullshit. There are more than enough bands that could provide songs for fight scenes that are actually from Scandinavia. I’m betting a few of them even worship Thor. Or Loki or Odin or whoever black metal band people worship. You don’t have to keep using that same song from an English band about Vikings or wizards or fucking trees talking to each other. For fuck’s sake, the only thing Scandinavia is known for is socialism and black metal.

But if you’d like to use the music from some American (well, American/Israeli or American/Canadian) bands I can think of a few good choices.

1.) Kiss has a song called “God of Thunder.” I’m not a huge Kiss fan so I can’t pick this track out of a lineup, but with all the focus on how Thor is the god of thunder in this flick you’d think that track would have made an appearance.

Then again, maybe they used that in the first movie. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep at some point during that one so maybe I missed it. Did it play during the credits like Black Sabbath did in the first Iron Man? Or it could have been used in the second film. There was a second film, right? I didn’t even bother to watch that one. Who can keep up with all these things?

B.) How about the song I got stuck in my head every time I saw that damn poster. It comes from the album Ragnarok by the greatest band ever to come to Earth from another galaxy. Yes, I’m talking about GWAR’s “Ragnarok.” That would have been perfect for some battle scenes. It might not be my favorite track of theirs, but it’s definitely top five.

Anything is better than that fucking “Immigrant Song.”

Bastards.