Trump Responds to Cohen “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”


Oh yeah baby, hold still I’m almost there…

La la land, VA – After dry-humping the American flag and rambling about political opponents for two hours at CPAC, Donald Trump directly responded to his former lawyer’s claim that he is “a racist, a conman and a cheat” by saying “I know you are but what am I?” Trump then dropped the mic as if this were a sick burn against Cohen and not the defense of a four-year-old child.

He continued this line of attack late into the night when he tweeted “You know what Michael, I’m rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. You better be careful because I’m going to send someone to kill your family.”

Congressional Republicans are still divided over whether or not the tweet constitutes a threat.

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) described his goals in the hearings as being a protector of President Trump.

“I’m going to protect the president much better than I protected those boys who were molested when I was the assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State,” said Jordan. “I’ve looked the other way too often in my life to let this convicted liar get away with bad mouthing our beloved president.”

Jordan failed to mention that Trump has made 7,645 false or misleading claims over 710 days.

“We can’t trust anything Cohen says,” said Trump. “Except the part about the ‘no collusion’ with Russia. That part we can believe.”

“Basically,” said Rep Bob Gibbs (E-OH). “we can believe anything nice he says about Trump and ignore anything bad as lies.”

How Gibbs was able to issue this statement with his head firmly lodged in Trump’s rectum is still unknown.

Trump, whose presidency can best be described as inept, has shown America and the world why he had to file for bankruptcy six times despite inheriting millions of dollars from his father.

“I really miss the old days,” said Rep Adam Schiff (D-CA). “I remember thinking George W. Bush was the devil, but I never think that about Trump. He’s too dumb and immature to be Satan.”

“And look at that face,” added House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Whenever Satan is in movies he’s always hot like Al Pacino, Gabriel Byrne or young Marlon Brando. Trump is one KFC bucket away from Island of Dr. Moreau Brando.”

Republicans spent the rest of the day huddled together in horror that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was plotting to steal their hamburgers.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Trump Responds to Cohen “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”

  1. “I’m going to protect the president much better than I protected those boys who were molested when I was the assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State,” said Jordan. “I’ve looked the other way too often in my life to let this convicted liar get away with bad mouthing our beloved president.”

    I honestly felt like throwing up in my mouth by reading that. He’s basically saying he acted like Joe Paterno when this doctor was abusing young men while Jordan was on the coaching staff?! And he feels like the 🍊 deserves better treatment than those men got and he willingly ignored?! Something that a former Speaker of the House allegedly did as well as a high school wrestling coach (and was from Jordan’s own party)?! No. You don’t get to get away with that, Mr. Jordan.

    This is America. We do not have lèse majesté in this country. Our politicians, and especially our Presidents, are not and should not be immune from the criticism of the people they serve. Trump has made his bed more than many times, now he needs to lie in it, and if he has indeed committed crimes, he needs to be held accountable for his actions. Trump’s party has done a shitty job in holding their own leader accountable, and like Cohen said about Trump, they’ll “…do anything to win.” If Jordan wants to fall on the sword to protect Trump, then he should go right ahead…but he should understand that Trump and his family and cronies will get what’s coming to them whether Jordan falls on the sword or not.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s