Trump’s 100 best accomplishments in the First 100 days


Now that we’re on the 100th day of his I think it’s time we take a look back on the biggest accomplishments of Trump’s historic presidency.

 

100

99

98

97

96

95 ummmmmmmm

94

93

92

91

90

89 Wow, this is harder than I thought it would be.

88

87

86

85

84

83

82

81

80

79

78

77

76

75 I don’t hate moderate Republicans like John McCain or John Kasich as much as I used to. I suppose that’s a plus right.

74

73

72 

71

70

69

68

67

66

65

64

63

62 And then there’s the… oh, no. Nevermind.

61

60

59

58

57

56

55

54 Hmmmmm

53

52

51

50

49

48

47

46

45

44 

43

42

41

40

39

38

37

36

35

34

33

32 Then there was his controversial decision to… oh wait. That sucked too. 

31

30

29

28

27

26

25

24

23

22 Rember that time he sucked a whole bag of dicks? That was good right?

21

20

19

18

17

16

15

14 We haven’t nuked anyone yet. (Fingers crossed that I won’t have to update this before publishing it tomorrow.)

13

12

11

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1 #TheResistance

 

Wow! Can you believe all the great things Trump has managed to accomplish in just 100 days? I can’t wait until we can look back on all of his great works if he’s not impeached after he’s been in office 1,000 days. Then this list will be ten times as long!

Here’s hoping we can still use keyboards with our radioactive lobster hands!

 

Happy Easter


Have I ever complained on here about how Christmas is a much bigger holiday than Easter? I don’t understand why we celebrate Jesus’ birth with such gusto, but only commemorate his resurrection with chocolate bunnies and ham. Recent reports have shown that nearly 99.856% of all the people who have ever lived were, at some point in their lives, born.* And as far as I can recall only about three have ever returned from the dead… and that was all because of Jesus.

So anyway, enough of that. I won’t even complain about the lack of good Easter songs to share with you this year. I’ll just give you my favorite hymn.

 

*I totally didn’t make that number up.

RIP J. Geils


You probably wouldn’t take me for a big J. Geils fan. To be fair, I’m not a big J. Geils fan. But how can anyone with a pair of ears (or even one ear) resist that melody in “Centerfold”?

I certainly can’t. And I’m excited to read Boppin’s Post on Geils’ Top 10 to hear some of the band’s songs beyond those three I already know.

Man in Misfits T-shirt Has Actually Listened to the Misfits


Des Moine, IA- Seth Gamble was surprised to learn that his sister’s new boyfriend, Brock Shiner, actually knew the words to a song by his favorite band the Misfits.

“When she showed up with this new dude in a skull t-shirt I thought ‘Oh great, Sandra is still picking up guys at Hot Topic,” said Gamble. “But then as he was walking in to the house he stopped and belted out something that sounded like it came right off of Walk Among Us. I was totally shocked.”

Gamble has been disappointed by people wearing Misfits paraphernalia in the past. But he’s found Shriner to be “more real than all those fake-ass posers.”

“Yeah, it seems like every girl in junior high school has a Misfits t-shirt or leggings or backpack or something. They must hand them out with tampons and nail polish. I started seeing this girl I met a the roller-rink because she had a skull on her wristband, but she didn’t even know that Metallica didn’t write ‘Die Die My Darling.’ I won’t fall for that again.”

Shriner was completely surprised by the news, but happy he had made a good impression on the younger Gamble.

“Oh, Brock? Yeah, he’s a great kid. He’s been following me around all day asking me about horror movies. I stubbed my toe on the way in and made a weird ‘Oooo aaaahhh!’ sound that I held onto for a really long time so now he thinks I’m into some weird ’50s band.”