New York – After months of urging from foes and friends alike, Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns for public view. And while some of the result are not very shocking; others are certain to damage his campaign.
“Nobody was really shocked by the fact that he hasn’t paid any income taxes in 40 years,” said tax expert Edward Room. “Nor were we surprised to find that a lot of his businesses have ties to Russia or that he doesn’t give much to charity. Or that the main charities he gives to are NAMBLA* and the KKK. What did surprise people is that he’s invested so much money into Canadian recording artists.”
Trump’s tax returns show generous gifts to the likes of Nickelback, Justin Bieber, Bryan Adams, Snow, Loverboy and Celine Dion. He not only paid room service bills and tour bus maintenance, but also used illegal Mexican immigrants to ensure no star ever saw a brown M&M.
“It is shocking that a man seeking to become President of the United States would bankroll a band that has been sentenced to death in most of the civilized world,” said Democratic Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton. “The list of bands he has had play weddings, bar mitzvahs and Klan rallies reads like a who’s who of the most hated artists in the world.”
The Donald was quick with a rebuttal, which he posted on Twitter: “Lyin’ Hillary is just mad she hasn’t seen Chad Kroeger’s penis like Ivanka has. Sad.”
While Trump’s supporters have stood by him through all of his xenophobic, racist, misogynistic and generally unhinged statements (as well as numerous sexual assault allegations), many have seen this as the last straw.
“I don’t see why he couldn’t give that money to a good, patriotic American band,” said Wilbur Oats of Macon, GA. “Someone like Lynyrd Skynyrd or Kid Rock.”
“I wasn’t so mad about the bankruptcies, divorces or ties to the mafia, but this really has me re questioning my loyalties,” said a Governor of Indiana who asked to remain anonymous.
The disclosure has also cost Trump his few remaining political allies with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan withdrawing his endorsement of Trump right before entering his office and playing The Battle of Los Angeles as loud as the speaker’s speakers would allow.
*which apparently is a real thing and not just a South Park joke