BREAKING: Donald Trump Can Suck A Bag of Dicks

The Donald opening his mouth in anticipation.

The Donald opening his mouth in anticipation.

Greenville, SC – Scientists near Bob Jones University have confirmed what many have long suspected: Donald Trump can suck a bag of dicks.

“While it has long been known that Trump’s mouth is perfectly designed for spewing racist, misogynistic and xenophobic phrases as well as lying and inciting political violence we now know that this orifice can also be used for a variety of other activities,” said Allan Hill, the lead researcher on the study. “For instance, he can also use his mouth for chewing, breathing or smoking. And by smoking I mean pole smoking. Seriously, that dude can suck a bag full of dicks.”

The news came as a shock to some. Adult film star Ivana Bigwon takes pride in her work and insists that it’s not as easy as it appears.

“Look,” said Bigwon. “I know it looks really easy to suck all those dicks, but it really takes a lot of work. I have to fight mouth cramps and dry mouth; not to mention the taste and smell of all those dirty wieners. I’ve done a lot of gang bangs and I have to tell you, it gets pretty nasty. A lot of the time I have to do several takes.”

Still, others are not surprised.

“I’ve been saying this for a long time now,” says Hillary Clinton, Trump’s Democratic rival for the Presidency. “That man can go somewhere and suck a whole bag full of dicks.”

A Bag of Dicks.

A Bag of Dicks.

While the precise number of dicks included in a “bag of dicks” is up to debate it is generally thought that a bag represents anywhere from 7 -15 dicks.

“I don’t think it’s unbelievable that nearly anyone could suck seven dicks in a row,” sais Louise Klein, an oral scientist. “I personally have sucked eleven in one sitting and I could have gone for more, but I ran out and the store was closed. And anyway, Trump is an asshole. He can totally suck a bag of dicks.”

Editor’s Note: Donald Trump is a total douche bag who has embarrassed many Americans. It should be noted that his views do not represent the nation as a whole. And seriously, the guy can suck a whole bag full of dicks. 


54 thoughts on “BREAKING: Donald Trump Can Suck A Bag of Dicks

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    • I just love the idea that saying “Radical Islamist Terrorism” is going to help defeat DAESH quicker than all of those bombs and drone strikes Obama is sending in there. It really doesn’t make much sense to me, but I’m not a Nazi or a white supremacist.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Me either. I always think of All In The Family and how stupid Archie sounded when he would spew racial remarks. No way that show would be allowed on now, but it would be great if SNL or another show did a skit in which Trump plays Archie.
        P.S. I won’t say that word that starts with D and ends with H. I kind of like my tongue where it is.


        Liked by 1 person

          • I was too. But Facebook sent me a message about sexual content and THEN forced me to review a random selection of photos and click to affirm that mone were sexual! I’m not kidding!

            Facebook are dick nazis. I wish this were about Trump, then I’d have some actual grounds to complain. Do you know how many sacrifices Trump made? He had to ear KFC with a fork and a knife. They couldn’t get someone else to pre-cut it for him! Just like you. Just like me.


              • Shit. Well here’s a catch. Seems there is a glitch with Facebook interacting with feature images. Mine always wants to use whatever the FIRST feature image was used when I FIRST posted it. So I still get a giant bag of dicks (exact quantity inside unknown).

                Ah well. Thanks for trying bud. Believe me I’m doing all my best keyboard-warrior-ing on my personal FB account to convince people that Trump really isn’t that bright.

                Liked by 1 person

                  • Dude, every day I see Facebook posts “I support Donald Trump”. And I’m in Canada. So think about that!

                    I know people who are very intelligent successful people who admire him and hope he wins. I think he’s a fraud and don’t understand why others don’t see that too?

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • That’s nuts! I didn’t think he had any support outside of the US. People keep talking about the 13 million who voted for him in the primary election, but that’s only about 5% of our population.
                      I wish I could answer your question as to what people like about him and why he has so much support, but I have no idea. I’ve asked, but I’ve never gotten a good answer.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • The answer I got from a family member (not my side of the family) was “He’s for keeping America safe. That’s why I support him.” What, like other are not for keeping America safe? Because others are running for President so they can make their homeland unsafe? Makes no sense.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I can understand that. He feels Trump is the best person to make America safe. I think that is complete and utter bullshit, but I understand the idea.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • If they thought Obama wasn’t born in the US, they’re gonna looove me.

                      Funny how Trump never brought this up about Cruz, even when they were sniping at each other.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I thought it was brought up by somebody else, and he had to respond to a question about it. could be wrong!

                      Are you freaked out by the whole world following your election? Nobody does that with Canada.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m a little freaked out. Mostly because I have a daughter and don’t want her to look up to Trump and his minions.
                      Do you guys have nuclear weapons? That’s part of the reason I’m a little worried about the rest of the world.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • We do not have nuclear weapons and our military is tiny by comparison. I don’t know if you’ve heard the recent story about Trump being in a meeting with advisors, and asking THREE times, “Why can we not use our nuclear weapons?”

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Yeah exactly. Pakistan, Russia, N Korea, take your pick…

                      I don’t think there has been a time like this in decades, when people are afraid again of nuclear war. I thought we were over this bullshit!

                      Liked by 1 person

  4. We have Canadian friends who’ve been living in Connecticut for several years. We saw them, recently, on their visit home to Hamilton. Without even being asked, my buddy told me that if Trump wins, they’re moving back to Canada in a heartbeat.

    Liked by 2 people

      • My dad said “I don’t think I want to go there.”

        The guy said “I think he’s awesome.”
        His wife said she hates him.

        Earlier we had drove past people with a Trump banner across the overpass. I had just given them the finger, so I guess buddy was lucky he did not ask my opinion.

        Liked by 1 person

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