Greenville, SC – Scientists near Bob Jones University have confirmed what many have long suspected: Donald Trump can suck a bag of dicks.
“While it has long been known that Trump’s mouth is perfectly designed for spewing racist, misogynistic and xenophobic phrases as well as lying and inciting political violence we now know that this orifice can also be used for a variety of other activities,” said Allan Hill, the lead researcher on the study. “For instance, he can also use his mouth for chewing, breathing or smoking. And by smoking I mean pole smoking. Seriously, that dude can suck a bag full of dicks.”
The news came as a shock to some. Adult film star Ivana Bigwon takes pride in her work and insists that it’s not as easy as it appears.
“Look,” said Bigwon. “I know it looks really easy to suck all those dicks, but it really takes a lot of work. I have to fight mouth cramps and dry mouth; not to mention the taste and smell of all those dirty wieners. I’ve done a lot of gang bangs and I have to tell you, it gets pretty nasty. A lot of the time I have to do several takes.”
Still, others are not surprised.
“I’ve been saying this for a long time now,” says Hillary Clinton, Trump’s Democratic rival for the Presidency. “That man can go somewhere and suck a whole bag full of dicks.”
While the precise number of dicks included in a “bag of dicks” is up to debate it is generally thought that a bag represents anywhere from 7 -15 dicks.
“I don’t think it’s unbelievable that nearly anyone could suck seven dicks in a row,” sais Louise Klein, an oral scientist. “I personally have sucked eleven in one sitting and I could have gone for more, but I ran out and the store was closed. And anyway, Trump is an asshole. He can totally suck a bag of dicks.”
Editor’s Note: Donald Trump is a total douche bag who has embarrassed many Americans. It should be noted that his views do not represent the nation as a whole. And seriously, the guy can suck a whole bag full of dicks.