The World – Following news this week that Iranian death metal band Confess may be facing execution in their country for playing music the International Court of Justice sentenced Canadian rockers Nickelback to death.
“We don’t usually condone the death penalty,” said President of the International Court of Justice Silvia Fernandez de Gurmendi. “But if anyone should be put to death, it’s those bastards.”
The quartet was found guilty of crimes against humanity, torture, civil rights violations and generally sucking during a trial on Friday.
The news is shocking because most countries don’t currently practice capital punishment. The death penalty is prevalent mostly in China, India, the United States and the Middle East, but is not practiced in Europe or Nickelback’s home country of Canada.
“We’re OK with all the hoser’s thinking we’re really nice and love hockey and maple syrup, eh,” said Canadian Alex Bouchard. “But it really irks me when people want to blame Nickelback on the whole country. Come on, we don’t blame every German for the holocaust or every Icelander for Bjork. Really, they make our country an embarrassment in the international community. Fry the fuckers, eh.”
Perhaps the most damning evidence against the melodic milquetoast band was the information that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has been bombing rebels with tracks from the band’s 2008 album Dark Horse as well as using the hit single “Photograph” as a torture method.
“I was totally for waterboarding,” said US Presidential candidate Donald Trump. “Loved it. I think we should bring it back. Most forms of torture I’m OK with. But you have to draw the line somewhere. Nickelback is too inhumane.”
The Hauge is currently working on similar cases against Justin Bieber, Kanye West and Limp Bizkit.