“At this point we’re really just pulling names out of a hat,” said local Republican Robert Alcorn. “I saw a poll the other day that said Nickelback was in third place in this race. As long as it’s not them or Trump, I’m happy.”
The Donald was less than pleased with the news, citing the fact that most members of the band don’t even live in Iowa any longer and also use satanic imagery on their albums and in their stage show.
“As long as their not Muslims or gay, I don’t care if they worship the devil,” said 83-year-old Dana White. “Trump seems like a nice man, but I think if we play that music on the border those pepper bellies will keep to their side of the fence.”
Perhaps the people most shocked by this news were the 9 members of Slipknot.
“What?” asked percussionist Shawn Crahan. “How the hell did that happen?”
It appears that the Republican Party is in such disarray and so full of hatred that the only way to connect is through angry shouted lyrics with hooks like “People = Shit” and “I Push My Fingers Into My Eyes.”
“How the hell would that even work?” asked singer Corey Taylor. “Would we all be president? Or would just one of us be president and then the rest of up fill cabinet positions?”
“I want to be head of the FBI” said a visibly drunk Mick Thompson while rubbing the scar from where his brother stabbed him in the head last March
It appears that if Slipknot wins the nomination then Stone Sour will be their choice for vice president.