ATCGW: The Nightmare


make-a-wishFLASH FICTION FRIDAY, WEEK 18: I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT, HAVE THE WISH I WISH TONIGHT

Anything That Can Go Wrong: The Nightmare (660 words)

Adam was startled when he woke up. That’s not to say he was startled awake. There weren’t any loud sounds or feral cats that caused him to jolt from his slumber. He was startled by what his eyes saw when he opened them.

For the past several months the unemployed 31-year old had woken in the unfinished basement of his mother’s house. Usually it was after a period of sleeping for anywhere from 9-10 hours. Sometimes he would masturbate and then get another hour in, but he was never woken by noises or the sun that barely filtered through the dirty basement windows.

Today it was the sun that had woken him. Instead of laying on a dirty beaten up futon under a stained comforter he awoke on a gorgeous king size bed with beautiful 300 count thread Egyptian cotton sheets. He checked his crotch only to discover that he had wet himself during the night. Well, at least that part was the same as every other day.

He tried to remember what he had done last night. It had been New Year’s Eve if he remembered correctly (which he probably didn’t). And he had rang in the new year in his local gentlemen’s club. Well, it wasn’t really a gentlemen’s club. Nudie bar was a more appropriate title. 

But how did he get from there to here? He got out of bed to remove his soiled boxers and walked to the picture windows in the nude. He was greeted by a wonderful view of snow capped mountains. He wasn’t in Ohio anymore, that was for sure. There weren’t any mountains in Ohio and snow rarely fell until mid January. You could say what you wanted about the state, but when it came to climate change they were benefitting.

He tried to think. Did he make it home from the nudie bar? Had he died in a car accident and gone to heaven? No. That didn’t make sense. It was more probably that one of the dancers was an eccentric millionaire who had whisked him away to the Canadian Rockies in the night. Not much more probable, but still more probable.

As he walked to the hallway he remembered making it home and falling down the basement stairs. He could feel the aches in his hungover body and see the bruise on his hip. But he remembered crawling to the DVD player and putting in Cheer Squad Sleepovers 4. He remembered making his New Year’s wish right before he passed out.

That was it! His New Year’s wish must have finally come true! As he passed the platinum album lining the hallway he knew that must be it. His wish to be a rich and famous rock star had finally come true!

He was excited now but he couldn’t make out the writing on the platinum albums. He couldn’t tell if it was his band that had finally busted out of the garage and gone on to superstardom or if he had been transferred into the body of another rock star. He hoped it was the former as he couldn’t play covers.

First things first though. He would go to the bathroom and wash the glitter and urine from his body, then he would explore his mansion. He would lounge on the 83-foot sofa and drink the finest Kentucky bourbons. He would call up a porn star to come visit him. He would grab a guitar in the home studio and rock until he couldn’t walk.

But first, he needed to shower. And when he walked into the bathroom he realized that his dream had not come true. He must have woken into a nightmare. When he looked into the mirror he recognized the shoulder-length blond hair and goatee immediately. He had gotten his wish for rock stardom, but at what cost?

He opened his mouth to scream and the reflection of Chad Kroeger screamed with him in the mirror.

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas


I think it’s really weird that one of the most popular songwriting teams in history broke up and one produced my favorite Christmas song of all time:

 

And the other one did this piece of shit:

Original Motion Picture Soundtrack “Escape From LA”


Escape from LA Soundtrack CoverI’m really terrified of becoming a hoarder. So every now and again I do inventory and clear things out of my life that I don’t use. My physical CD collection has gone from several boxes to one shelf and my digital collection is not immune to the occasional trimming.

So a few weeks ago I loaded the Escape from LA soundtrack onto my MP3 player. I was thinking I would give it one last spin before I sent it to the recycle bin. It turns out I was in for quite an unexpected surprise.

There are a lot of big names on this album, but nearly all of them turn in bland and/or sub-par performances. Three of the bands give us tracks straight from other albums. Tool with “Sweat” from Undertow, Clutch with “Escape from the Prison Planet”  and Gravity Kills with “Blame” (both from their self titled albums). Gravity Kills get a few points for doing an ‘LA Remix,’ but I can’t really tell the difference from the original. I like soundtracks because they give me a chance to hear hidden gems that didn’t fit onto albums and other oddities from bands I love, not to hear the same songs in a different context.

As far as original content goes it’s pretty hit or miss. Stabbing Westward does an awful job opening the album with “Dawn.” The track is just way too slow and dreary. It would be great in the middle as a chance to get up and get popcorn, but it definitely doesn’t serve to help make me interested in what’s to come. And “Paisley” from Ministry is probably the worst song I’ve ever heard from them. That’s a real feat considering their early new wave crap. Deftones close the album with some song. I could look up the title, but who cares? Pretty much every Deftones song sounds exactly the same.

Escape from LA Soundtrack back coverOK, that’s enough bitching. Because I swear there is some really great stuff on here. It’s just not where you expect to find it.

White Zombie’s “The One” is a cool tune. It’s your typical Zombie song and it gets bonus points for referencing the movie in the lyrics. Toadies turn in a rocking punk tune with “Cut Me Out.” That one made me do a double take. I was extremely surprised that I was enjoying a song enough to check who was playing it only to find it was the Toadies. That’s never happened before. Butthole Surfers add a track, but they can really do no wrong in my eyes. “Professional Widow” is a rocking tune from Tori Amos. I’ve never gotten into her music, but something about the harpsichord really draws me in.

“10 Seconds Down” is one of the most interesting tracks on the album. It’s pretty much a standard nu-metal song with chug-chug guitar work, which is interesting coming from Sugar Ray. But Sugar Ray’s meal-ticket front man Mark McGrath is nowhere to be found on this song. It’s a collaboration with a group called the Bluetones. What I like best is the simple clean guitar melody that plays over the main riff. It’s a brilliant juxtaposition. (And also makes me really happy because it gives me a chance to use the word ‘juxtaposition.’)

My favorite is a track from a group called Sexpod. It’s a typical female fronted rock song, but boy this chick has a great set of pipes. When she belts out the line “Foot on the gas on the west side highway” I can nearly feel the wind in my hair as I cruise along the pacific coast in a convertible. I can’t find anything wrong with a song that makes me feel like that.

 

And the most amazing thing about this album is that even with all of the crap, it’s still much better than the movie it went with. If you’re ever curious to check out this film I would suggest listening to the soundtrack instead. It takes a lot less time and you’ll feel less guilty afterward.

 

*Some of these other songs also appear on albums, but not by artists whom I’ve listened to their albums. Did that make sense?

Dave Grohl is the Chuck Norris of Rock


Dave Grohl can play guitar with his goatee.

Dave Grohl can play guitar with his goatee.

Have you ever seen all of those ridiculous Chuck Norris fact? Stuff like ‘Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky’ or ‘Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.’

Well I bet you didn’t know there’s a whole slew of them about Dave Grohl also. (Seriously, this is a thing. I definitely didn’t just make it up.)

Dave Grohl was born in Warren, OH.

Dave Grohl was born in West Virginia.

Dave Grohl was born in a log cabin made out of drumsticks.

Dave Grohl can play a left handed guitar upside down in the right handed position.

Dave Grohl can kill a man with rock.

Dave Grohl taught Chuck Norris to play bass.

Dave Grohls DNA is the same as that of Lemmy Kilmister’s warts

Dave Grohl was the original lead guitarist for Metallica, after he was kicked out in 1983

Dave Grohl sometimes pretends to be an otter

Dave Grohl sometimes pretends to be an otter

he formed Megadeth.

Dave Grohl’s parents had to change their name because people kept threatening to be adopted by them so they could be raised like Dave Grohl.

Dave Grohl sometimes dresses up like a nameless ghoul and performs with Ghost.

Dave Grohl holds the world record for largest drumsticks.

Dave Grohl holds the world record for largest nostrils.

The Dos Equis guy only ever listens to Probot.

The Pope kisses Dave Grohl’s ring

Dave Grohl

Dave Grohl’s beard trimmings have more talent than Godsmack and Three Days Grace put together.

Dave Grohl vs. Courtney LoveDave Grohl sent a letter to straight edge pioneer Ian MacKaye that was so profound MacKaye questioned his existence while embarking on three week bender fueled by alcohol, drugs and casual, premarital sex.

Buzz Osbourne from the Melvins is the only person in the world who doesn’t like Dave Grohl. Except for my neighbor Steve, but Steve is an asshole.

Courtney Love is the only person in the world Dave Grohl doesn’t like, which proves she is more detestable than Yoko Ono.

 

 

 

 

Get Your Gunn


 

Boy, America sure is a fucked up society.

I saw a post on Facebook yesterday that said: “The claim that there has been one mass shooting per day this year is based on people altering the criteria for what a mass shooting is. The standard is 4 people killed, not 4 people killed or injured. This is an attempt to alter the perception of gun violence as compared to past reports of mass shooting rates.” *

That really bothered me. If 4 bullets hit people that should qualify as a mass shooting whether they’re killed or injured. And more to the point how awful is it that people seem to think 4 people a day being shot is acceptable? I could understand 4 people a day being shot in a war zone. I’m sure 4 or more people are shot everyday in Syria. Or maybe an area with a lot of gangs. Or a lot of drug cartels. Or inner cities. But we’re talking about people being shot at their company Christmas parties, churches, colleges and elementary schools. (Not htat I’m OK with soldiers, drug dealers or other types of criminals being brutally slaughtered, but it is more acceptable than 8 year olds.)

Seriously, people die all the time and others say things like “Your dead kids don’t trump my constitutional rights.” The fucked up thing about America isn’t that we have all this gun violence, but the way people respond to it.

And the saddest, most frustrating part is that absolutely nothing can or will be done about it. We just accept this as a matter of course and don’t even try to combat it. I’m finding that people in America aren’t really free thinkers so much as they are talking Tinas programmed by the media of their choice. Some shout that they want tougher gun laws and the other half cry that someone is going to take away their guns.

ipijdI try really hard to be a critical thinker and I’ve found my views on the subject shift considerable in the past few months. A New York Times article made me think that we already have many necessary laws in place and that they’re just not being implemented effectively. Then in the aftermath of the Paris terror attracts I wanted to find something to prove/disprove the statements that if the Parisians had been armed they wouldn’t have been attacked.

I couldn’t find any credible information or data linking gun laws and/or rate of gun ownership to rate of gun deaths. There is absolutely no correlation that I could find. This being a website if you do have some proof you would like to share there is a comments section where you may do so. Please know the difference between a fact and an opinion before doing so. (Before you try to convince me that open carry is the answer bear in mind that I live in a state where open carry is legal and I’ve witnessed a mass shooting. In 32 years I’ve never come across an event that would have turned out differently if I’d been armed.)

So I’ve been leaning toward better enforcement of existing gun laws as opposed to new ones lately. Until I read about a new law that would close some loopholes. Apparently people on the FBI’s terrorist watch list can legally buy guns. There’s also a law that if the FBI doesn’t respond to your background check within 3 days it’s legal to get a gun. I’m not sure why that’s a thing in the age of emails and text messages. They can swipe my drivers licence at the gas station to know if I’m of legal age to buy cigarettes can’t do the same to tell if I’m a felon or an escaped mental patient when I go to buy a gun?

What really confuses me is why nobody wants to spend money or research treating mental illness or studying gun violence. It’s ridiculous that we don’t want to treat sick people or trying to understand why things like this happen. I cannot imagine what would prompt someone to grab a weapon, walk into a classroom and open fire on a group of kindergartners. But that’s the problem – If we look into why stuff like this happens perhaps we can prevent it.

I don’t understand how anyone can be against providing health care and opportunities for the poor and sick among us. I’m sure some don’t want to share their money in the form of taxes, but if poverty and mental disabilities breed violence and crime aren’t you giving them your tax dollars when you pay to lock them up? Let’s try to keep people out of prison and turn them into productive members of society.

But then again, why would you listen to my thoughts and opinions on this matter. I have an Associate of Arts degree. Where are the PhD’s? The social scientists? The police commissioners? How do we separate the researched from the speculated? Why aren’t we calling in experts to ask their opinions on how to solve this crisis? Why aren’t we looking to what has worked and what hasn’t worked in other countries? How has trying to keep people safe turned into a partisan political issue? Where’s the peer-reviewed data to support anyone’s outrageous claims? Where are the armed good guys who are supposed to be stopping these shooters before they kill?

I’m not saying we should ban all guns. I’m a gun owner myself and don’t plan on surrendering my weapons to anyone. I know many other people who are responsible gun owners. But I don’t know how anyone could say that we do a good job of keeping guns out of the hands of dangerous people in this country. I can’t point to one for every day of this year, but I know of quite a few instances where that didn’t happen. I’d like to see more funding for mental health treatment. Or tougher background check. Or maybe trying to move our culture away from violence. Or… well anything. Because obviously what we have now isn’t working.

 

* Definitions of mass shootings vary. (Washington Post June 18th 2015)

Are You Lost 15


Picard Why would you google thatI like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into Google and somehow ending up here. After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

foto king scream oliver – This actually brought 7 views to my site. How did that happen?

rock rap band wallpapers hd free

what’s wrong with axl’s arm – Too much masturbation?

guitarist metal girl naked

adult content warning

parental advisory picture editor

This has been my desktop background for a while now.

the pretty reckless sexy picture – You’ll have to be more specific than that. Every time I see a picture of Taylor Momsen she looks sexy.

slayer reggae – A fine example of an oxymoron.

female dethklok tribute band

marilyn manson 1994 immagini – Is the immagini something like the Illuminati? I don’t keep up with these things.

rage against the machine nude song

juggaloos gatherings – This sounds like something birdwatchers would be interested in.

Joey Jordison's Cock

Joey Jordison’s Cock

joey jordison penis – I think I saw one of these on eBay.

heavy metal cds you could buy from bmg music club

are their naked people at rocking on the range – Probably somewhere.

 

 

 

Smells Like Mushroomhead…


Marilyn_Manson_Smells_Like_Children_coverThere are a few albums from about 20 years ago that I like for a really odd reason. It’s not the segues, samples and interludes so much as the unique way a few artists chose to fill up space on their albums with ridiculous recordings.

I remember a friend in junior high telling me that if I wanted to buy a Marilyn Manson CD I should get Portrait of an American Family or Antichrist Superstar. He made sure to tell me not to get Smells Like Children. “It’s shit,” he said. “It’s just covers and remixes from the first album.” He was half right. It is covers and remixes, but it is far from shit.

Despite having 16 tracks Smells Like Children is an EP. The Wikipedia page has an interesting history of how it came to be. Apparently is was supposed to be a single for “Dope Hate,” but turned into something much, much more.

The highlight is obviously the covers. Their version of “Sweat Dreams” is what propelled them from Danzig opening act to a household name. Their versions of “I Put A Spell On You” and “Rock and Roll Nigger” aren’t half bad either. The remixes aren’t quite as good. I like the “Diary of A Dope Fiend” and I prefer “Kiddie Grinder” to its original version, but I’m not a huge fan of remixes and feel the rest fall flat.

The real treat is the unusual tracks that pepper the album. It starts with “The Hands of Small Children,” a creepy synth intro to “Diary.” “Shitty Chicken Gang Bang” is a great organ interlude that doesn’t really go anywhere. I love “Fuck Frankie,” which is just a recording of a woman repeating ‘Fuck Frankie’ in an orgasmic voice. I find “White Trash,” a remix of “Cake & Sodomy” by Tony Wiggins on an acoustic guitar to be absolutely brilliant. “Scabs, Guns and Peanut Butter” is a recording onto a tape player that’s been sped up, something I’ve done a few times myself.

But now that I realize how completely ridiculous all of this sounds I’m amazed by how well the amalgamated mess of material blends seamlessly together and makes a great listening experience. I’m not sure if that’s a testament to Trent Reznor’s unearthly production skills or if everyone involved was just taking that certain amount of drugs to make a masterpiece.

Tool AEnima gifAt the other end of the spectrum (by that I mean the “Respectable”) is Tool’s 1996 album AEnima (sic). Of course, being polished professional musicians without a noteworthy history of cocaine abuse, the weird shit on this album is referred to as “short segues or interludes that connect to longer songs.” It’s all crazy shit to me.

AEnima is far and away my favorite Tool album. The songs aren’t  the cookie cutter hard rock they released on Undertow and not way out in left field prog and they did after. They’re just the right combination of pop melodies and experiments to keep me entertained.

My favorite track on this album is “Die Eier Von Satan” a track that sounds like a recording of a Nazi rally but is really just a recipe. “Intermission” is a jaunty calliope sounding track not unlike “Shitty Chicken Gang Bang” and “(-) Ions” is nothing but static. “Message to Harry Manback” was always another favorite. Quiet piano plays while a man spews insults and threats at someone, occasionally in Italian.

I wish I knew why band no longer use segues, samples and interludes the way they used to. I really miss that. I suppose like anything else, it was something that was sort of in vogue for a minute and then it’s appeal faded away.

But not before Mushroomhead could place the greatest sample ever on their 1995 self titled album. I wish I knew what movie this was from, it sounds like it would be a great one.

 

What’s your favorite example of crazy shit on an album?