Bands That Need To Release New Albums

Faith_No_More_-_Sol_Invictus_Album_CoverRemember the days when bands would release an album twice every year and a few non-album singles to go along with them? Neither do I. I was born in 1983, long after rock and roll became big business and the fat cats realized they could make more money by only ponying out a new album ever 2 years. But that was 30 years ago and now we’re lucky to get a new album every 2 years. I haven’t seen a new album from some of my favorite artists in what feels like forever.

Seriously, why hasn’t John Lennon released an album of new music IN MY ENTIRE LIFETIME!

With Faith No More set to release their first new album in 18 years on May 19th, I thought it would be fun to take a look at a few other bands who haven’t given us any new material in a while and really need to make another album.

The Devil Put Dinosaurs HereAlice in Chains (2013) – It hasn’t been that long since AiC released The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here, but given the fact that we’ve only had 5 full lengths from them in the past 25 years I think they need to make up for lost time.

Fiona Apple (2012) – Yet again, the wait hasn’t been extremely long but we only have 4 full lengths to enjoy and the last one wasn’t all that enjoyable. Come on, we know you can do better than just beating on pots and pans. Who do you think you are Yoko Ono?

Soundgarden (2012) – I would have been happy to wait for a while after the dismal King Animal, but the news that Chris Cornell was working on a solo album earned Soundgarden a spot on this list. Yes Chris, you’re a very sexy man, but I’d much rather hear a new Soundgarden album than some crap you have Timberland or Macklemore produce.

Mudvayne (2009) – I really wish Hellyeah would change their name to Fuckno and go on hiatus long enough for Mudvayne to release a new album.

Metallica (2008) – Hahaha. Just kidding. Metallica have spent most of their career showing us why they should never release a new album.

10428037_10206367374689653_4174479858327646419_nTool (2006) – The Beatles recording career lasted from 1963-1970. The wait for the next Tool album has now stretched longer than that.

The Descendants (2004) – What happened to these guys? Did Milo do some Post Graduate work?


Butthole Surfers (2001) – I guess the waves just aren’t as good in the nether regions any more.

Days of the New (2001) – Unlike a lot of the other bands on this list, Days of the New have been working on the new album since the last one. I’m not sure if Travis Meeks is trying to beat Axl Rose’s record for longest wait between releases, but Days of the New IV is taking on Chinese Democracy-ish status.

Violent Femmes (2000) – I actually conceived and started this post three months ago. That was before they released a new EP on Record Store Day and signed up for a tour with Barenaked Ladies. So rejoice! Not all bands who seemed to have vanished into the void are gone. Go check them out this summer with Barenaked Ladies. Or do like I plan to and leave after their set. ‘One Week’ may sound better live, but I’m not taking that chance.





Cleveland Narrowly Averts Tragedy


17 April 2015

House of Blues; Cleveland, OH

Masters of Destruction Tour

Mayhem and chaos nearly spilled onto the streets of Cleveland last night after a stop on the Master of Destruction tour featuring tribute acts of Guns N Roses and Metallica.

“It was a total rip off,” said one concert goer. “I would start a riot, but the tickets only cost $20. So I’m not really that pissed off.”

The trouble began when The Four Housemans’ singer/guitarist Anse ‘Devil’ Hatfield was wounded by some misplaced pyrotechnics.

“It sure is a good thing we can’t use real pyro,” lead guitarist Randall McCoy said. “As it turned out he only burnt himself on a sparkler. It was when he lost his balance and stumbled to the ground in front of the fog machine that he was really wounded.”

Hatfield was treated for smoke inhalation at the Cleveland Clinic. He also suffered 1st degree burns from the sparkler.

“Unfortunately Devil has been injured and will not be able to finish the performance,” Drummer Lars Upchuck told an apathetic crowd. “We’ll make this up to you on our next stop in town. We now leave you in the competent hands of One in a Million.”

Guns N Roses tribute act One in a Million took to the stage 2 hours late and only played somewhere from 20-30 minutes because, as singer Prince Edward Arthur Charles Exl said, “We’re a true GnR tribute act. And that means that when a member of a Metallica tribute act get’s burned onstage we have to cut our set short. Even if it doesn’t happen in Montreal

Fortunately most of the audience had already left by the time One in a Million took to the stage so there wasn’t enough of a crowd to start a riot by the time they left.

“We really dodged a bullet tonight,” said a Cleveland Police Officer who wished to remain anonymous. “We could have had a sad, depressing day just like any other day in Cleveland, but instead something awesome happened and we get to be part of rock tribute history.”

One in a Million lead guitarist Slit could not be reached for comment.



imagesSo You Wanna Start A Band? Part 8

I’ve learned enough playing in bands over the years to have some wisdom to pass on. I see a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior and hope I can make the world a better place by helping prevent this. I don’t know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from a tour bus and not my apartment. If you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. If you have another way of doing things which brings more success I’d love to hear it.

The Covers Debate

You probably don’t know this, but there is a war going on in your local scene. Bands aren’t fighting over the best venues, genres or turf; they’re just badmouthing each other based on the type of material they play.

You see, cover bands hate original bands because they think they’re too untalented and lazy to learn to play other peoples’ music and original bands hate cover bands because they think they’re too untalented and lazy to write their own music.

So who’s right? They both are, silly. I’ve always wanted to be in a band that was 50% covers and 50% originals, but I always come across assholes who agree 100% with the above paragraph.

rockemsockemrobotsOf course, if I have to pick a side I’d go with the cover bands. I’ve heard criticism that it doesn’t take any talent to learn someone else’s music, but I’m pretty sure it takes just as much talent as picking up an instrument and playing your own awful racket. Plus, cover band usually play good songs. Songs that people know and love. I like to think I’m a decent songwriter, but the best tune I’ve ever written was called “Our Band Sucks.” And that little ditty is nowhere near as good as some of the crap written by John Lennon, Paul McCartney or George Harrison. Although it may be somewhere close to some of Ringo Starr’s crap.

Hell, even Dave Grohl who is for all intents and purposes a very,very talented and successful songwriter (even if you don’t like the music you have to admit that he’s had a very prolific and profitable career) took a back seat in Nirvana because he felt that Kurt Cobain was a better song-smith. If it was good enough for Dave Grohl, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Ray Charles and even Nirvana to play covers I don’t think there’s any person anywhere who is too good for it.

Your band sucksElvis never even wrote his own songs. Elton John can’t write lyrics for shit. Neither can Meat Loaf. The difference between all of these great artists and every shitty original local band is that they admit they can’t write music. I’m all for artistic expression, but I don’t like hearing local bands playing crap because they think they’re too good to play a Ramones song.

The secret is that while it is very, very easy to play the main riff to “Smoke on the Water” it is nearly impossible to write something as catchy, simple and timeless. And most people in original bands are too lazy and self involved to learn other peoples’ music.

Are You Lost 11

1910001_10202366648590091_7589657265662642234_nI like to think it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into Google and somehow ending up here. After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

i hate jocks with my religion – You should probably switch to Judaism.

riff solo hd wallpapers

joey jordison nude

Jerry Cantrell Dimebag Darrell picjerry cantrell’s family photos

dimebag darrell ghost seen

lead singer of in this moment nude – I knew it was only a matter of time before this one showed up.

maria brink sexy – No. Sexy’s her middle name.

bands related to in this moment – I believe their sister is in One Direction and they have a distant cousin who plays in Little Big Town.

go fuck yourself febuary

assyrian beard

pics of marilyn manson sucking his own penis – Why the hell would you want to see this?

penny dreadful lyrics the said so

Tits seen at the gathering

Tits seen at the gathering

tits i saw at the gathering

penis in musci – What is a musci? And why would you put a penis in it?

i’m the motherfucker that named you sue

pornbelow15 – I usually like my porn hot like a sauna. Or at least room temperature.