Companies like Musician’s Friend and American Musical Supply do a great job of connecting aspiring musicians with instruments, accessories and amplification, but they don’t connect these future rock stars with what they really need to make it big: Bandmates!
The real money is to be found not in selling $2000 guitars to rich kid who will just get bored and let it collect dust in the corner of the bedroom, but to sell the perfect vocalist, guitarist or drummer to that guy who really wants to make it in a band and just needs another person who shares his enthusiasm, determination and complete and utter lack of talent.
Now that you’ve contacted all of your friends, put up a flyer in the local music store and posted your ad on Craigslist it’s time to try the one way to guarantee you find the right musicians for your project.
The shredder (can’t play rhythm) – This guy can sweep pick arpeggios, slide, squeal, hammer on and pull off like all the masters! He can shred like Dimebag, Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Zakk Wyle, Van Halen or Ingvee Milmsteen!
Just don’t have him play rhythm. This dude can not play rhythm. Even “Smoke on the Water” is too much for him.
Comes complete with a volume pedal to turn him down (off) when he’s not soloing.
MSRP- Just take him. He’s constantly playing neoclassical crap in our warehouse and driving us all crazy.
The Steal Your Girlfriend – Perfect for emulating the sounds of Johnny Ramone or Eric Clapton! We all know at least one guy on the scene that will fuck anything he can get his hands on! This is the guy that you don’t want to leave alone with your girlfriend, wife, mother or daughter or any other vagina that is not tied down.
Comes with complimentary chastity belt so you don’t end up like Joey and George Harrison.
MSRP- No Alimony!
The Swede – To be perfectly honest… I have no idea how this guy sounds or if he can even play. He just looks the part.
MSRP – $200?
The Fall Out Boy – A great player for power pop-punk. Just don’t make fun of his hair. He’s really sensitive about that.
MSRP – $800
That guy – Yeah. Him. You can have him play bass for you. It’s not hard.
MSRP – It doesn’t matter what we charge you it will be too much.
Your friend from elementary school – You probably talk to this guy more than you talk to the last guy you had play bass in your band, so might as well have him.
A Former Guitar Player Willing To Give The Bass A Shot – It could go either way: he’ll either perfectly compliment your guitar and drums with tasty fills and lay down a cool groove using licks his years of guitar playing has taught him or he’ll completely overplay distracting licks that differ so much from what the guitar and drums are doing that it’ll sound like a different song.
MSRP – $900
The Guy Who Couldn’t Get A Gig Playing Guitar So He’s Decided To Give Bass A Try – There’s probably a reason this dude couldn’t get a gig playing guitar. Is it his complete lack of talent? Or is he an insufferable dickhead? Order now to find out!
Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend – I’ve seen it done both ways. They’re already going to be at the show to make sure you don’t get any strange so why not?
MSRP – $40 (Hey, it was our idea.)
THIS MONTHS SPECIAL:
Keyboard Players – Wait… we’re still looking for these ourselves.