Musical Friends – April 2014

Companies like Musician’s Friend and American Musical Supply do a great job of connecting aspiring musicians with instruments, accessories and amplification, but they don’t connect these future rock stars with what they really need to make it big: Bandmates!

The real money is to be found not in selling $2000 guitars to rich kid who will just get bored and let it collect dust in the corner of the bedroom, but to sell the perfect vocalist, guitarist or drummer to that guy who really wants to make it in a band and just needs another person who shares his enthusiasm, determination and complete and utter lack of talent.

Now that you’ve contacted all of your friends, put up a flyer in the local music store and posted your ad on Craigslist it’s time to try the one way to guarantee you find the right musicians for your project.

Welcome to: Musical Friends





downloadThe Jordison – This overrated drummer comes complete with his own blank faced mask, signature snare drum and enormous ego. Guaranteed to take all the credit for your band’s success and get on every nerve of every person in your band by acting like he’s the greatest drummer who ever lived.

MSRP – $70, 597

The guy who should have given up years ago – Remember that band that was really huge in your area about a decade ago but then broke up when the guitar player moved to Sheboygan? Nobody else does either – except this guy!

MSRP – $12

The guy you’ve been in three bands with already and you always end up in a huge fight and one of you quits but he’s the only drummer in town so you’re going to give it one more shot and things will be different this time – A match made in a battered womens shelter! Or Jerry Springer.

MSRP – $78 and some car parts


Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater, Liquid Tension Experiment, Transatlantic, Flying Colors, The Winery Dogs, Yellow Matter Custard and probably another half dozen bands I don't even know about.

Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater, Liquid Tension Experiment, Transatlantic, Flying Colors, The Winery Dogs, Yellow Matter Custard and probably another half dozen bands I don’t even know about.

The guy in 3 bands already – He’s ready and available to jam on the second Thursday of every month and the fourth Tuesday. Scheduling shows is always a problem, but if yours is the band to make it big and earn a lot of money he may quit one of the others.

MSRP – $95




Check out this month’s specials on Live Sound Engineers!

Sound guy who will heckle your band – $40

I'm the sound guy?

I’m the sound guy?

Sound guy who will get drunk – $60

Sound guy who will leave early – $25

Sound guy who will show up late – $40

Sound guy who will show up late, get drunk, heckle your band and leave early – $126



P!nk- The Truth About Love Tour

71oIdJ9EygL._SL1104_I don’t think I do a very good job of hiding the fact that my favorite guilty pleasure is slut-pop. And the first slut-pop artist I really fell for was Pink. From the time I saw her jumping rope in the “U + Ur Hand” video I was hooked. It didn’t help that the song is extremely catchy and the lyrics really fun. It’s one of those tunes that makes it a little harder to be in a bad mood when you hear it and that’s a quality I really like in music.

I saw this on my Netflix the other day so I thought “What the hell. If it sucks I’m only out 2 hours of my life.” Looking back I don’t regret it. It wasn’t the best concert video of ever seen, but it also wasn’t the worst. It was definitely different from any concerts I’ve been to or watched on video.

The Hollywood Reporter said the “Truth About Love tour proves to be pop’s biggest spectacle,” and judging form this performance in Melbourne I’d have to agree. I know most of these girls have backup dancers and choreography but I don’t really get into that sort of thing. The thing that got me was the aerialists. For several songs Pink sings while flying around on bungee cords, wires and giant spinning balls. I have to give her props for being able to sing while bouncing around like a yo yo.

71WOKjY3ehL._SL1104_I also found it refreshing that she actually was singing and not just lip syncing. We all know that it’s wicked hard to sing and dance at the same time (I’m sure it’s much harder than playing the bass line of ‘Tommy the Cat‘ while singing) but Pink manages to do a decent job of keeping up while relying on her backup singers when things get a bit too harsh.

She has an awesome band. All the songs were spot on. There are a few tracks where she just sings with an acoustic guitar that I thought were pretty cool. Plus there were a few interesting video effect that I’m sure wouldn’t have been present during the live performance. I liked how everything went black and white during “Wicked Game”  and other numbers were sepia toned.

The use of theatrics was great. From the narrator character Rubix, who told us we were delving into the mysteries of love and searching for it’s true meaning, to the dance numbers during costume changes I thought it was a great performance. I found myself very entertained.

The thing is I’m not a fan of all of Pink’s songs. There are a few I really like (Just Like a Pill, U + UR Hand,Trouble) and a few I don’t really care for (Sober, Walk this Way).

Another thing I thought was kind of silly was how she says that being a mother has changed her view on using the F word and because children were in the audience she edited “F**kin’ Perfect,” but still sang songs like “Slut Like You,” “Walk this Way,” and “U + UR Hand.” I’m curious as to how she’ll be growing as an artist as her daughter ages. Personally, I’m not a fan of the lets-party-and-get-drunk-and-have-a-one-night-stand songs so I’d be happy to see them go.

From watching this I’d have to say the crowd was about 98 % female so the next time Pink comes to town I may have to buy a ticket and try to pick up some women.

If you’re a big fan of Pink you need to see this, but if you are you’re probably not reading my blog.

Happy Palm Sunday

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out a good song to post for Easter, but I still haven’t come up with anything. Do I do a Christian song? Something about Spring? Something with the word “Rise” in the title? Something with “Rise from the Dead” in the title? Something about zombies?

Fuck it. Here’s one for Palm Sunday. That’s easy.

For more info on Bastard Friendly:


Are You Lost IV

I’d like to think that it’s because I’m such a great writer that people are coming to read about my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy things into search engines and ending up here. After reading my fellow blogger Mike Delano’s posts about what search terms lead folks to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew. Here are a few from the last month…

Layne Staley posing nude

Layne Staley posing nude

layne staly possing in nude pictures – There’s actually a really sad, fucked up story about this (here), but I like my take on it better.

christian metal covers of hymns – Cool idea, but I don’t know where you’d find it.

crew stadium in united kingdom-Never been to that one.

most naked music videos

The Reverend getting ready to hang out with Al Jourgensen and Keith Richards.

The Reverend getting ready to hang out with Al Jourgensen and Keith Richards.

al jourgensen cocaine/keith richards cocaine/marilyn manson drug addiction – Was there a series of PSA’s that I missed?

 millstreet brews teenage mutant- Sounds like a hockey team

why stew flamingos pink -Consuming raw or undercooked meats, poultry, seafood, shellfish, or eggs may increase your risk of foodborne illness

raging cock

what makes a bad talent scout – Interest in good music.

what is the meaning for miley cyrus song wrecking ball – Really?

i’m the motherfucker who named you sue – Why would you do an internet search for this?

95 feces – What Martin Luther put on the door of the outhouse.

fuck udarling

Slayer's little known album "God's Power" from 1988.

Slayer’s little known album “God’s Power” from 1988.

was alice in chains satanist – No. Actually if you play “The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here” backwards you get “Ave Maria.” If you play the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” backwards you get “Holy, Holy, Holy.” And Slayer’s “God Hates Us All” backwards is “Amazing Grace.” These bands did this to hide their true meanings from the godless, heathen masses.


Acid Bath – Paegan Terrorism Tactics

Cover art by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Cover art by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Acid Bath – Paegan Terrorism Tactics (1995)

After my review of Flyleaf a few months ago I wanted to review an ‘evil’ band. I figure I may have lost some street cred by saying nice things about a Christian band so I wanted to prove my strength and ruggedness by writing about the most evil band I’ve ever heard.

The trouble was; I wasn’t sure anyone outside of my hometown and New Orleans had ever heard of them. Then I read Ten Best Southern Metal Bands from a Denver website.

It turns out people do know about Acid Bath, even if they keep it on the down low.

I was first introduced to Acid Bath from a cassette tape that I borrowed from a friend in high school. It was love from the opening riff. “Paegan Love Song” opens with a slow yet heavy, single-note lick that meshes with the ‘dying felt so goddamn good today’ lyric perfectly. And by the time the song got to the ‘you scream, I scream, everybody screams for morphine’ line I knew there was something wrong  different about this band.

The whole album bounces between hard-as-obsidian metal and slow, sweet-sounding songs about pale things and death. “Bleed Me an Ocean” has a slow sludgy riff and lyrics that put me in mind of Peter Frampton. “Graveflower” is based around a chiming harmonics. “New Death Sensation” is based around a slow four-not guitar riff and is just as haunting as any horror film. The album closer “Dead Girl” is more like a folk song than something you’d expect to find on an album by a band called Acid Bath.

Of course, there’s also some of the most melodic death metal this side of Gothenburg. “Diab Soule” is a heavy thrasher, but with lyrics I can understand. “Locust Spawning” and “New Corpse” are about the heaviest things in my collection. Be careful not to listen to the spoken word “Old Skin” in the dark.

“13 Fingers” is the song that is single-handedly going to send me to hell. After about a decade of listening to this album I looked at the lyrics and read:

Blood makes the grass grow
I blew a load of Jesus into Mary’s hole

I think I would have been OK, but this sent me into a hysterical fit of laughter where I was rolling on the floor and praying for forgiveness. I try to be a good person, but I have a bad habit of laughing at extremely inappropriate things.

My favorite is “Venus Blue,” a tune that exhibits more songwriting skill than the entirety of all other death metal bands. In fact, the only reason I would consider Acid Bath a death metal band is because of lyrics like “Creeping like frost, As slow as grave moss” and “How much more must we bleed her, I cut their throats while they slept.” Other than that they’re really more of a radio-friendly heavy rock act.

Unfortunately for the entire world, Paegan Terrorism Tactics would be Acid Bath’s last album. Bassist Audie Pitre died in a car accident. Guitarist Sammy Duet went on to form Goatwhore. Singer Dax Riggs fronted a few bands before finally recording and touring as a solo act. I really enjoy the Riggs stuff, but its sad that we’ll never hear anything more from one of the greatest metal bands most people haven’t heard of.