Companies like Musician’s Friend and American Musical Supply do a great job of connecting aspiring musicians with instruments, accessories and amplification, but they don’t connect these future rock stars with what they really need to make it big: Bandmates!
The real money is to be found not in selling $2000 guitars to rich kid who will just get bored and let it collect dust in the corner of the bedroom, but to sell the perfect vocalist, guitarist or drummer to that guy who really wants to make it in a band and just needs another person who shares his enthusiasm, determination and complete and utter lack of talent.
Now that you’ve contacted all of your friends, put up a flyer in all of the music stores around town and have posted your ad on Craigslist it’s time to try the one way to guarantee you find the right musicians for your project.
The Durst: The perfect model for the person who believes Nu-Metal is coming back (Or was ever cool to begin with)! Basic model comes complete with goatee and backwards baseball cap. (Saggy pants and chain wallet sold separately.) The Durst will perform lyrics in a quick “rapping” voice or in a low and growly voice. DOES NOT SING.
MSRP -$30 (That’s right, we’ll PAY you thirty dollars to take this worthless asshole off our hands)
The Screamo/-Core Guy: This is the vocalist for when you want your songs to have deep meaning and emotion, but not have anyone understand the lyrics! Comes complete with gauged earlobes, full sleeve tattoos and encyclopedic knowledge of all sorts of bands that have only been around for 2 years and will be completely forgotten in another 2. Also thinks you are a total asshole because you’ve never heard of any of these shitty bands.
The Danzig: Perfect for the punk band making the transition to metal. The Danzig writes simple, easy-to-play hard rock riffs that even your bassist will easily master. Sings in a low voice about “evil,” “Satan” and “wolves.” Shirt not sold separately. It’s not sold at all.
The Mercury: Our most talented and versatile singer! Able to recreate the amazing voices of Queen’s Freddy Mercury, Elton John, Ricky Martin, Clay Aiken, Adam Lambert, Boy George and George Michael. But the rock doesn’t stop there! The Mercury can also perform in the heavy metal style of Judas Priest’s Rob Halford.
Special of the Month:
The Reznor: The perfect multi-instrumentalist to hook up with if you’re just looking for a ride to the top. The Reznor writes and plays all the instruments and only needs live musicians for performance.
MSRP Who are you kidding. You can’t afford this guy.