New Division of Human Found in East Central Ohio


I usually like to leave science stuff to the experts, but I’ve recently discovered a new type of person that biologists thought didn’t exist right here in my hometown.

The Doesntus Likesimonygarfunklus or commonly ‘person who doesn’t like Simon & Garfunkel’ has been thought to exist since the mid sixties, but has never been positively identified.

Doesntus Likesimonygarfunklus in its natural habitat.

Doesntus Likesimonygarfunklus in its natural habitat.

“This is a fascinating find,” said biologist Tim Green. “We’ve known about certain tribes deep in the Amazon and Congo jungles who had never been exposed to Simon & Garfunkel, but to hear of someone who had heard them and didn’t like them… that’s just insane.”

Simon & Garfunkel along with bands such as Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Doors and The Beatles were thought to be universally enjoyed among all people regardless of race, color, creed and hearing impairment.

“This opens up doors for all of science,” Green said. “What’s next? Someone who dislikes Citizen Kane or The Mona Lisa?”

Simon & Garfunkel rose to fame in the sixties with guitar driven ballads and two-part vocal harmonies. I made the discovery when commenting on an article claiming that “Bridge Over Troubled Water” eases chronic pain.

“What do you mean you don’t like Simon & Garfunkel?” I asked. I knew her taste in music was atrocious. After all, she did like my band.

“It’s garbage,” she said. “I don’t like that crap.”

“But it’s poetry.” I said.

“It’s the poetry of drugs and promiscuous sex,” she said. “Look at their eyes. They’re on the pot.”

And so the world now contains a person who never heard the sounds of silence or traveled on a bridge over troubled water. She never went to the zoo with any of her old friends or Mrs. Robinson. She’s never been homeward bound through a hazy shade of winter. And several other puns that I could come up with if I had a more extensive collection of their music instead of just a greatest hits.

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One thought on “New Division of Human Found in East Central Ohio

  1. Pingback: So You Wanna Start A Band Too? | The Audible Stew

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