Anything That Can Go Wrong 7


Anything That Can Go Wrong – Part 7images (2)

“THE AUDITIONS”

I’m not sure if the others in the room are having as hard a time dealing with the horrible applicants for the vacancy in Ockym’s Razyr as I am. If they are they’re hiding it well. The band are patiently running through songs with potential band mates and guitarist Hal Levatine even occasionally stops to show a difficult riff. The girls appear as bored as they always do at practice.

I’m the only one who seems to miss departed bass player Matt Vance.

“Well boys, who do we get to play bass now?” someone asked immediately after Vance’s firing.

“We could ask Tyler.”

“No, he’s pretty busy with Deceit. I think he’s working at Walmart too. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for side projects.”

“What’s Amanda been up to? It would be cool to have a chick bass player.”

“I saw her at the library a while ago. I don’t think she plays anymore.”

“What was she doing at the library?”

“Working.”

“What were you doing at the library? You can’t read.”

“I was using the internet.”

“Is she still hot?”

“Yeah, she’s still pretty hot.”

“Well who else is there?”

“We could ask Tomsin. I heard Syringe broke up.”

“Absolutely not! That guy is the biggest fucking asshole on the scene.”

“But he’s willing to play bass. Not many other people are.”

“If you get him to play bass you’ll need to find another guitarist.”

“Why don’t one of you switch to bass?”

“I’m not switching.”

“Bass is a step down. I like playing guitar.”

“Well, we need a bass player.”

“We don’t need one. This Moment of Grief didn’t have a bass player.”

“There must be someone out there. What about Bill?”

“We could try him. I don’t think he’s in a band.”

“Do you want to try to put up some flyers at Tsantis’ and Roslyn’s”

“Yeah, we should probably try Craig’s List too.”

“Well lets see what turns up.”

And here we are with what turned up. Bass players are generally regarded as the lowest of the low in the grand scheme of things. By playing an instrument with only four strings and not worrying about chords they choose this stereotype. The only way to avoid it is to learn to play the guitar.

"Let's just play the song one more time. I'll get it, I promise."

“Let’s just play the song one more time. I’ll get it, I promise.”

‘Girlpant Jenkins’ was the first victim to fall prey to the whims of this band. He was brought in and showed the riff to their song “Time Standing Still” and then it did. He couldn’t grasp the lines to the simplest verse-chorus-verse song in the band’s catalog and after a few hours of him cracking his knuckles and saying “just one more run through” he was dismissed.

The next fool to try his luck was Herman Jenkins. He showed up in decidedly more masculine wear and proceeded to tell everyone about his connections in the music industry. Skinny from Mushroomhead, Todd from Mobile Deathcamp, Trapt and the drummer for Flyleaf.

“I’m close personal friends with all of them. I could get us some shows.”

“Everyone can get shows with Mushroomhead. We’ve played with them three or four times already.”

“Yeah, but I could get us on a tour.”

“Let’s just see how you can play.”

He did a worse job than Girlpant Jenkins and then talked to Drummer Josh Randall about how he wasn’t sure of the singer. Maybe they should get a new one.

I’m not a part of the decision making process, but I don’t think he’ll be receiving a callback.

Harold Busch was the most promising prospect. Not only did he manage to learn several songs in the time it took Jenkins and Jackson to leave their horrible impressions, he also proved to be a likable guy. Singer Adam Gillis immediately took to him when he opened the session with, “Look guys I’m not looking do dick around anymore. I’m serious about my music and I only want to play with other guys that are serious.”

Apparently his cover band wasn’t going anywhere other than the Front Street Tavern and occasionally Bud & Tooties so he was looking to trade up.

“I like the paycheck I get from them, but I’m getting sick of playing other people’s music. I want to play my music, you know?”

“I know exactly what you mean, man.”

“I want to do this kind of thing for a living. I’m tired of temporary jobs in factories.”

“If you want to do this for a living why don’t you move to LA instead of hanging out with these assholes in my garage!” Vanessa Hill

If only they could find someone this talented.

If only they could find someone this talented.

asks. Things with her and Randall haven’t been going the greatest. She’s becoming increasingly impatient with his use her garage in pursuit of his passion and the fact that she said this while taking out the trash herself is not going to help his cause.

“I think we should finish our beers and head out guys,” he says. “Hurry up.”

“Dave,” Gillis says. “Same time next week.”

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