Anything That Can Go Wrong – Part 5


Anything That Can Go Wrong – Part 5newspaper book review

“THE REVIEW”

“This is bullshit,” Adam Gillis says.

He’s refering to a review of Ockym’s Razyr’s most recent release, Anything That Can Go Wrong, found in a blog called “Notes from the Pit.” The guys decided to send a copy of their 2011 album to the blogger in the hopes of some good press. What they got was obviously not what they were hoping for.

“This asshole doesn’t even know what he’s talking about,” Josh Randall pipes in. “He says, ‘I don’t really consider myself a fan of pretend-math metal.’ Why is he even writing about us if he doesn’t like the music we play?”

“We sent him the CD to review,” Matt Vance says.

“Shut up you stupid bitch,” Gillis snaps. Vance has been staying out of the debate for the past hour. Practice was supposed to be under way by now, but when Josh Randall brought his laptop out to the garage for everyone to read the review it became painfully obvious that not much was going to get done. Only Vance and guitarist Hal Levatine seem interested in playing music; the rest of the band is standing around the laptop fuming.

“Who is this guy again, Hal?” Paul Ode asks.

“He’s a guy I was in high school with. He plays bass in that band Sevyn Times Driven.”

“That’s it!” Gillis says. “He’s just pissed off because we didn’t invite them out to play at our last show.”

“Or it could be that he’s jealous because that band sucks and he’s jealous of us,” Ode says.

negative-reviews“Or maybe he just doesn’t like our music,” Vance suggests. The rest of the band (and Nora Tomason, Gillis’ omnipresent girlfriend) turn and glare at him with bewilderment. The thought that someone could not be in awe of Ockym’s Razyr has never occurred to them. Even with the sparse crowds at their shows and a poor review of their album, they are certain that they are the best band New Philadelphia, and perhaps Northeast Ohio, has ever known.

“That’s the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever said,” Gillis tells him. Vance and Levatine go back to jamming on the main riff of “N.I.B.”

“Did the guy say anything good about you guys,” Tomason asks.

“Only if you consider calling us ‘bland, middle-of-the-road and prepackaged’ positive.” Ode says.

“Well that’s good isn’t it? You’re always saying you want to play ‘radio-friendly hard rock.’ That stuff is all bland and prepackaged. At least we sound how you want us to sound.”

“Matt, I hate to tell you this but you’re starting to sound really fucking stupid. Why don’t you just shut your fucking dick sucker and get the hell out of here before I kick your ass again,” Ode tells him. Vance takes off his bass and walks outside frowning.

“Ha! Look here. He uses a semicolon where he should have used a comma; semicolons are used to connect two complete sentences without a coordinating conjuction between them, but he used one right there.” Randall points to the typo on the screen.

“What a fucking dumbass,” Gillis says.

The bitching and moaning goes on for another hour. The guys all say they don’t care about what some asshole hack with a half-assed blog says about them, but the fact that they can’t seem to focus on anything else says otherwise. Vance leaves earlier than usual. He’s had enough off the abuse for the night and goes home frustrated and more sober than he’d prefer.

Everyone heads off shortly after Randall puts the laptop away. It’s obvious that their hearts really aren’t into playing music tonight. Tomorow they’ll have to set about the task of convincing themselves that they’re a great band and everyone loves them, but the proof that they’re not universally revered is still out there in a long sequence of zeros and ones.

When I ask Levatine, who has been quiet most of the night, what he thinks of all this; his reply is “I just want to jam.”

Gillis, Ode and Randall are setting out on a facebook offensive to discredit the blogger and hopefully intimidate him into taking the post down. If all else fails they’ll just invite Sevyn Times Driven to play at their next show and kick his ass afterward.

I’m just glad they haven’t discovered wordpress.com yet.

If you liked this post you will probably also enjoy: Anything That Can Go Wrong – Part 4

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