Anything That Can Go Wrong – Part 4

Anything That Can Go Wrong

When your boyfriend is in a band you're never pretending to look bored.

When your boyfriend is in a band you’re never pretending to look bored.

Part 4- The Girlfriends


They say that behind every great man there is a woman: a Martha Washington, a Betty Ford, A Mrs. Bates or a Freud’s Mother. As it turns out, there is also a woman behind the several mediocre men who make up the band Ockym’s Razyr.


Singer Adam Gillis has been in a relationship for the past year and a half with a lovely girl named Nora Tomason. She is nearly always present at practices and shows and spends most of her time hanging on Adam’s arm. However, there is another girl in his life. Melissa Williams is a girl he was with for several years and engaged to. While he constantly professes his love for Nora, the mere mention of Melissa sends him into a sulking fury that makes it clear that even with all the songs he’s written about her, there are still some unresolved issues.


Guitarist Paul Ode is engaged to a nice girl named Tracie Reyna who works in the office at the factory where he works. She makes it to some of the shows but more often sits them out.


Hal Levatine lives in a trailer with his longtime girlfriend Denise Bucklin. The pair have two young children and form what most would think it the most normal relationship of any of the band members. A look at the constant text messages and the jealous way Denise follows him around to make sure he’s not talking to any other girls proves otherwise.


Josh Randall is the male counterpart to Denise. He also suffers from insane bouts of jealous suspicion and will occasionally step out from behind his drum kit between songs if he can’t see fiance Vanessa Hill in the front row. Of course, unlike Denise who has no reason to suspect any infidelity on Hal’s part, Vanessa has cheated on Josh many, many times.


Bassist Matt Vance is the only member of the band who is single. He claims that he does well in the sex department and usually beds at least one girl a month. Adam Gillis says he hasn’t been laid in nearly two years. I tend to side with Gillis because in the past several months I’ve been with the band I’ve seen Vance blow at least three opportunities at casual sex and pass out only to wake up soaked in his own piss. It’s probably for the best that he doesn’t do better with the ladies or tales of his bed wetting would be much more well known.


Not to say that Vance is truly single. He and Gillis have an odd “bro-mance.” While most bands like to say that they fight like brothers, Vance and Gillis fight like a married couple in a Lifetime movie. Occasionally anything that Vance say’s will send Gillis into a fury where he calls him a “stupid bitch” and storms out of the room leaving Vance with a quivering lip. It’s the oddest case of heterosexual codependency I’ve ever witnessed.


Nobody is dating Merch Girl Sindy Oldham, though she would gladly date one or all members of the band. She is their biggest fan (aside from the girlfriends and the band themselves) and does her work making candles and homemade patches free of charge. Sindy would be a very beautiful girl if she would wash more. As it is, she appears to have a bit of a drug problem and certainly has a very bad case of halitosis. I’m not sure if her drug of choice is pot that makes her lazy or crack that makes her just not care about her appearance.


I guess Sally Cox could be classified as a groupie. I’m not sure who she’s sleeping with, but she’s sleeping with someone.


The biggest chore that the girlfriends are expected to perform is to lock arms in front of the stage, head bang and dance while their men are busy playing rock star. This not only makes it appear as if people actually enjoy Ockym’s Razyr and they have an audience, it also make it more difficult for beers, coins and sharp objects to be thrown at them.


Of course, we’re not talking about great men in the world of politics, arts or science. We’re talking about great men in the world of rock music where the women behind some of the greatest men have been Courtney Love, Art Garfunkel and Yoko Ono.


If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy: Anything That Can Go Wrong – Part 3 or Anything That Can Go Wrong – Part 2

If any local bands would like to do a show with Ockym’s Razyr please comment below!



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