Death Metal Cat


A face only a metalhead could love!

Death Metal Cat For Rent

Are you a black metal, death metal, grindcore, deathcore, blackened death metal, death-doom or pornogrind band? Are you planning to shoot a music video in the forest? Are you looking for something that will make your low-budget, amateur video stand out among the millions of other talentless crap bands doing the exact same thing?

Well, look no further! I present you with RUDY THE DEATH METAL CAT!

I know what you’re thinking: who gives a fuck about a cat?

This isn’t just any ordinary cat. This is a black and white Norwegian Forest Cat with a bad case of resting bitch face. SHE ALREADY IS WEARING CORPSE PAINT! IT’S HER FUR!

She has been the singer for numerous nationally touring acts including Bloody Litter Box, Bathtub Shitter, Kiss the Anus Of A Black Cat, Scattered Litter, Squeaky Mice Drive Kitties Nuts and Satariel.* I know what you’re thinking: That’s ridiculous. She’s only four years old. How could she have toured with all these bands? Well, what’s ridiculous is that you’re thinking in HUMAN years. In cat years she’s probably in her mid to late twenties which means she’s had plenty of time to front these bands and release cool, independent albums that are so obscure and cool you’ve never heard of them.

I should also point out that she is a very unfriendly cat. I should probably come with her as a handler. Unless you want her to hiss, claw and draw blood from you. On second thought, you probably don’t need me to be a handler. That’ll make the video cooler.

Fancy, but not too fancy

We have a zero tolerance sexual harassment policy! Any painting of a white stripe on her back and allowing skunks to chase her around whispering sweet nothings in her ear will not be tolerated!

Rates are €17/hour or €125/day plus travel costs and three bowls of Meow Mix’s Indoor Formula

She is a really picky eater so she probably won’t lap up blood or eat raw hamburger or anything, but if you want that I have an orange tabby that will chow down on just about anything.

Serious inquiries only! Reply below.

* I actually only made up some of those names. A few are real. 

 

Advertisements

Happy Birthday Isaac Newton


Today would have been Sir Isaac Newton’s 375th birthday. Newton is perhaps the most well-known and influential scientists to have ever lived. He is credited with developing calculus, the laws of motion, universal gravitation and the binomial theorum.

But what most people don’t know is that he played bass in a high-school band with Keith Richards and Ian Gillan and also designed the cover of Pink Floyd’s album Dark Side of the Moon.

He is also responsible for a delicious type of cookie made of fruit and cake.

Happy Birthday, Isaac Newton!

A Bad Career Move?


Did you hear Stone Temple Pilots have a new singer? That seems like a pretty dangerous position to me. Kinda like being a fisherman in the Gulf of Alaska, fronting a band with Pat Smear on guitar or serving in the Trump administration. I gotta hand it to Jeff Gutt, it takes some balls to step into a position held by two people who have died recently.

All joking aside though, I do think the new track sounds great and wish STP the best of luck. They definitely deserve it as they’ve been through a lot and weathered more than their fair share of bad luck.

So long, fiscal conservatism


Amen.

American / Unionist

By Aristophanes


In the early morning hours of Saturday, the Republican-controlled U.S. Senate passed a tax reform package that, by many estimates, would balloon the national deficit and exacerbate inequality in the country. Only a single Republican holdout, Sen. Bob Corker of Tennessee, refused to vote for the bill. The remainder of the 51–49 vote divided perfectly along party lines.

Now, the bill faces reconciliation with a similar proposal passed by the House of Representatives. Once the differences are ironed out, both chambers will seek to pass a unified bill.

Had the party held true to its conservative philosophy, it would never have considered such a drastic reduction in corporate and individual tax rates.

Perhaps Republicans never truly cared about fiscal conservatism. While they were in power under the presidency of George W. Bush, they passed massive tax cuts and greatly expanded our military presence in the Middle East. The…

View original post 197 more words

The Descendents at House of Blues


17 November 2017

House of Blues; Cleveland, OH

Public Squares, Frank Iero and the Patience, The Descendents

The best news I’ve gotten this year was that the Descendents would be on tour and be stopping in Cleveland. These guys have been my favorite band for a few years and I keep hoping to make it to a concert, but I’ve only seen them playing at Riot Fest and my budget doesn’t allow me to go to Chicago for a long weekend.

I haven’t been to a show in about a year, so it was time to get to one. Music is best experienced live, but there’s that damn job thing that keeps me from going to shows every night… and also provides me with money to buy concert tickets.

The night began with Public Squares, a trio from somewhere not of this earth. I’m a sucker for extraterrestrial bands in matching outfits who tell us the only reason the rest of the universe hasn’t destroyed us is that we gave them rock and roll. Is there a way to not love that? If there is I haven’t discovered it.

Their music is great too. It’s your basic punk rock, which is exactly what I was hoping to hear. Things did sound a little too classic rock for my taste by the end of their set, but I’m still looking forward to checking out their album. They’re the best local band I’ve seen in quite a while.

I’ve gone on record about my dislike of emo music many times so it should come as no surprise I’m not a fan of Frank Iero and the Patience. I tried to give them a chance, but when I saw the long hair and incense burning on stage I had a feeling it wasn’t for me. On the bright side, I’ve finally realized what I dislike about the genre: it’s too serious. I can’t help but think that this might not have been the best group to open for a band who has written so many songs about farts.^

The lady friend wanted to head to the balcony for the Descendents to get away from the crowd, so we made our way up. I like checking out bands from a different vantage point, but the balcony at House of Blues isn’t the greatest. You have to pay more than double to get a seat and since I’m too cheap for that we were back in the standing room only section. I’m happy to say we still managed to get a good view.

They opened with “Everything Sux” and “Hope.” Both great tunes, but it took Milo Aukerman a minute to warm up. After the first few songs the band was the well oiled machine I expected. I was a little surprised Milo is such a great frontman. I suppose I should be, he’s been doing it for longer than I’ve been alive. But I’ve heard him described as an ‘Uber nerd” and didn’t see anything to make me think anything else (especially the Camelbak he wore). When my girlfriend said “He looks like a college professor” I had to reply “I think he is.”*

I believe I pointed out in my review of Cool To Be You that the Descendents are the least cool band I’ve ever come across and that’s just as apparent live. Not that they don’t rock, but they definitely resemble the caricatures from the cover of the Live Plus One album. Except for Bassist Karl Alvarez who’s hair has moved from his head to his face and turned gray, making him look like a punk rock Tommy Chong. Caveman Bill Stevenson is the only drummer I’ve ever heard a crowd chant for. With good reason, he’s the main songwriter and quite a few of those great songs we heard sprang from his head.

Cover illustration for the Descendents’ “Live Plus One” album by Chris Shary

I was surprised to recognize so many of the songs they played. It wasn’t until I started researching this post that I realized I own 7/9 of their full-length albums. I’d love to just post the entire setlist because it contained so many great tunes. “Clean Sheets,” “Silly Girl,” “Pervert,” “Suburban Home,” “When I Grow Up,” “Weinershnitzel/No All” and about a million more. Most tracks came from the new Hypercaffium Spazzinate and I Don’t Want To Grow Up.   

The biggest highlights were the resistance anthem “Who We Are” which I wasn’t familiar with, but I’m pretty sure I like better than anything off the most recent album, and Milo running into the crowd for “Thank You.” There were definitely a few ecstatic fans that got to sing that chorus with him on the floor. I managed to get in the pit for the encores and do a bit of slam dancing for “I’m the One” and “Bikeage.” It was a good thing I took my girlfriend to the balcony. I forgot how intense those punk rock pits can get.

Of course, there were a few songs I was disappointed to not have heard, but I’m guessing just about every attendee could say the same thing. When you have as massive a catalog as these guys there’s going to be a few that don’t make the final cut. If I had it my way I’d just go see them the next day and hopefully they’d play “Cool To Be You” at that show.

 

^As always I say this with the caveat that they were playing to a much larger and more interested audience than I’ve ever entertained.

*He was an adjunct professor at the University of Deleware. I can’t help but wonder what his lectures were like.

 

 

Are You Lost 21


I like to think it’s because I’m a great writer that people are coming to read my thoughts on music and politics.Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into Google and somehow ending up here. After reading

Of course, what really happens is people type crazy shit into Google and somehow end up here. After reading Lebrain’s posts about what search terms lead to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.


does donald trump suck donkey dick – literally or figuratively? Come on, he’s not David Cameron!

amorosa sucks donald trump dick – I don’t know who Amorosa is, but it bothers me how much this sound like the title of a porn video.

was david desolas book on alice in chains accurate – Go ask Alice.

young nudist mypornsnap

mypornsnap foto teen

sexy female slipknot fan porn – That’s a really strange and specific fetish.

juggalo sexy girl – Notice that it’s singular. There is only one.

“called glueleg”

what is it like to have sex with axl rose? – I hope like hell I never learn the answer to this question.

http://www.oldpicz.com/young-and-nude-brigitte-bardot-rare-photos/

એજલ – According to Google translate this is from the Gujarati language and means ‘Algal.’ Unfortunately, there is no Google app that can tell me what that has to do with the Audible Stew.

スティービーニックス – Not Sure what language this is, but it’s nice to know that a desire to hear Stevie Nicks’ lovely voice transcends language barriers. Or maybe it’s the desire to see her topless.