Trump Responds to Cohen “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”

Oh yeah baby, hold still I’m almost there…

La la land, VA – After dry-humping the American flag and rambling about political opponents for two hours at CPAC, Donald Trump directly responded to his former lawyer’s claim that he is “a racist, a conman and a cheat” by saying “I know you are but what am I?” Trump then dropped the mic as if this were a sick burn against Cohen and not the defense of a four-year-old child.

He continued this line of attack late into the night when he tweeted “You know what Michael, I’m rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. You better be careful because I’m going to send someone to kill your family.”

Congressional Republicans are still divided over whether or not the tweet constitutes a threat.

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) described his goals in the hearings as being a protector of President Trump.

“I’m going to protect the president much better than I protected those boys who were molested when I was the assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State,” said Jordan. “I’ve looked the other way too often in my life to let this convicted liar get away with bad mouthing our beloved president.”

Jordan failed to mention that Trump has made 7,645 false or misleading claims over 710 days.

“We can’t trust anything Cohen says,” said Trump. “Except the part about the ‘no collusion’ with Russia. That part we can believe.”

“Basically,” said Rep Bob Gibbs (E-OH). “we can believe anything nice he says about Trump and ignore anything bad as lies.”

How Gibbs was able to issue this statement with his head firmly lodged in Trump’s rectum is still unknown.

Trump, whose presidency can best be described as inept, has shown America and the world why he had to file for bankruptcy six times despite inheriting millions of dollars from his father.

“I really miss the old days,” said Rep Adam Schiff (D-CA). “I remember thinking George W. Bush was the devil, but I never think that about Trump. He’s too dumb and immature to be Satan.”

“And look at that face,” added House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Whenever Satan is in movies he’s always hot like Al Pacino, Gabriel Byrne or young Marlon Brando. Trump is one KFC bucket away from Island of Dr. Moreau Brando.”

Republicans spent the rest of the day huddled together in horror that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was plotting to steal their hamburgers.


Children Behave


Do you want to hear about an earworm I’m really fond of? Tommy James and the Shondells’ “I Think We’re Alone Now.” I’m pretty sure the main reason I’m aware of it is that it’s been featured in film and television a few times recently, but I’m glad it has. It might be a song of questionable subject matter, as I’m pretty sure it’s about underage people exploring their sexuality or some other type of Flowers in the Attic-ness, but boy does it have a good beat. 

It even managed to make John Goodman shaking his ass stomachable in the trailer for 10 Cloverfield Lane.


And it’s such a great song that I even enjoy the mall-rock Tiffany cover version I just watched in The Umbrella Academy. Of course, that’s not really fair because you could put Ellen Page in a steaming dog turd and I’d probably love it.


So what do you think of this song? Do you love it? Or are you going to be cursing me for the next several days as it plays on repeat in your head?

A Hippy Band?

I went out with this girl last summer. I say ‘went out,’ but it was more like a friendly hang-out than a date. Unfortunately, it didn’t lead to anything. This could be because of any number of reasons, but somehow I got it stuck in my mind was that she’s a bit of a hippy.

Now, I’m not trying to hate on hippies, and that isn’t an automatic deal breaker for me. I’m sure some hippies are very fine people. I agree with hippies in some areas (environmentalism, nuclear disarmament, war is bad), but there are far more things I disagree with (tye-dye, non-violence, the Grateful Dead). I was a bit interested to discover how much of a hippie she was, but never really got the chance.

Anyway, the thing that really stuck out was what made me ask: “You’re a bit of a hippy aren’t you?”

She said she was a fan of Sublime.

It wasn’t until later that evening when I popped in a Sublime Greatest Hits disc that I realized how silly it is to classify Sublime as a “hippy band.” Sure, they had a lot of laid back, peaceful songs (“What I Got,” “Doin’ Time” and “Caress Me Down”), and they played that most-reggae influenced of all genres: Ska.

But there were also a lot of songs about definitely non-hippy things like participating in riots ( “April 29, 1992”), “Date Rape,” and child prostitution (“Wrong Way”). While I know many stoners love the anthem “Smoke Two Joints” I wonder if they realize Sublime covered SoCal hardcore bands Bad Religion and the Descendents on that same album.

So what do you guys think? Is Sublime a hippy band? After thinking about it I’m convinced they’re more of a crossover band designed to infiltrate the heads of well-meaning punks and get us to cross over to the dark, flowery-powery side.


Looten Plunder Set to be Confirmed as EPA Chief

You’ll pay for this Captain Planet!

Washington DC – President Trump’s nominee to head the Environmental Protection Agency, Looten Plunder, is expected to be confirmed by the US Senate.

Plunder, 68, is best known for his work battling Captain Planet in the early nineties. He has continued his eco-villain work at companies such as Enron, ExxonMobil Corp, Volkswagen and Kingsford. He began heading the EPA after former administrator Scott Pruitt resigned amid growing scandals.

Senate Democrats have tried to raise Captain Planet to defeat his old nemesis, but they have been unable since the water ring was sold to Rob Portman (R-OH) and the heart ring was sold to Rand Paul (R-KY).

“Earth,” said Kamala Harris (D-CA)

“Fire,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY)

“I think I just broke wind,” said Bernie Sanders (I-VT). “Does anyone smell eggs?”

“I believe Looten Plunder is the best person to lead the EPA and will do a great job helping to clean up Lake Erie, the Ohio River and all of America’s waterways,” said Portman in a typically longwinded statement. “The vicious rumors that he once dumped toxic sludge in a river only to be stopped by a flying, blue superhero with are ridic.ulous. These rumors are sponsored by fearmongers who support government intervention into jobs-killing regulation”

Rand Paul was in the hospital after being beaten up by another of his neighbors.

Jerry Cantrell “Boggy Depot”

(7 April 1998, Columbia)

Boggy Depot is my favorite albums in the expanded Alice in Chains universe because it is the most unique. I really think this is the only album from AiC or Cantrell that doesn’t have Layne Staley on it anywhere.

I know what you’re thinking: “Staley died in 2002. He can’t be on any of the new Alice in Chains material, you fool!” but hear me out. See, Staley made a few appearances on Cantrell’s 2002 album as inspiration for the songs “Bargain Basement Howard Hughes,” “Pig Charmer” and “31/32.” Likewise, he appeared on the title track of the reunited AiC’s first album Black Gives Way To Blue. He’s not as noticeable on the more recent releases but I still hear him occasionally. It’s subtle. He appears in the harmonies and the phrasing. There are no more drug-addled demons being exorcized in the lyrics, but Staley still is and will always be a part of Alice in Chains. Much like Brian Johnson, Jason Newstead and Zakk Wylde no matter how great William DuVall proves to be he’s always going to have that shadow hanging over him.

The only song on Boggy Depot I could see working for Alice in Chains is “Jesus Hands.” It has the dark feel and guitar work that put them on the map. But even though it includes bassist Mike Inez and drummer Sean Kinney, I still can’t imagine how Staley would fit into the picture. Maybe he couldn’t either and that’s why it was skipped over during sessions for the Dog Album.

Much of the songs on that album are like that. “Dickeye” and “Cut You In” are both driving hard rockers. “Breaks My Back” is very similar to something AiC would do as a ballad. But the real treat is the songs that are unique to this particular album. “Between” has the most country feel. I’m not a huge fan of Country and Western music but I do enjoy Cantrell’s take on it in “Devil By His Side,” “Keep The Light On” and “Hurt A Long Time.” Sure, none of them are going to get him inducted into the Grand Ole Opry, but it’s always nice to hear someone do something different.

My favorites are the piano-driven songs. Something about that simple lick in “Settling Down” really gets me and “Cold Piece” is a great closer. I don’t think pianos make a whole lot of appearances on Alice in Chains material so it’s always nice when they pop up.

I would highly recommend this album as something everyone should listen to. If you’re a fan of Alice in Chains it’s a neat detour into another side of their primary songwriter. And if you’re not a fan of Alice in Chains this will give you a softer version of what you’re missing.


Ariana Grande Releases Remix of “7 Rings”

Click image for full story

Ariana Grande released a remix of her new single. “7 Rings (Japanese BBQ Finger Mix)” is now available wherever music is sold.

A deluxe 12″ Version of the single also features a “Get off My Nutz Mix,” “All Your Base Are Belonging to Us Mix” and an “Extreme Mayan Makeover Dub Mix” from Al Jourgenson.

Grande has also fired her Kanji tutor and tattoo artist. Hopefully, she has a sense of humor and doesn’t pursue legal action against any satirical bloggers.



Workout Music Vol. 1

Are there any gym rats reading this blog? I know it’s about music, but I find music is a big part of the gym experience. The songs pulsing in the earbuds can make or break a great workout. You’re not going to get the same amount of reps or achieve a personal record if you’re not jamming to the right tunes.

I assume most people go for heavy music. Metallica. Slayer. Black Sabbath.

Not me. Aside from moving toward punk and away from metal over the past few years I’ve noticed that the type of music that gets me jacked up to build muscle and burn calories is:


That’s right. If you see me in the gym, and the sweat is pouring and I’m getting swole… I’m probably listening to Adele or Katy Perry’s MTV Unplugged or something extremely wimpy with soaring female vocals.

What about you? What gets you pumped?

Is This Really A Big Deal?

U.S. court rules for Trump on transgender military limits

This is one of those stories that I really don’t have any right to comment on. I’m not transgender, nor do I have any friends or relatives who are. I would consider myself an ally, but mainly that’s because I don’t believe hurricanes are caused by gay marriage.

I suppose the main reason I keep checking up on these stories is I’m waiting for the answer to the question: How big of an issue is this?

I mean, are there lines and lines of transgender people camping outside of recruiting offices waiting to sign up? Are the Marines inundated with a few good men with many good estrogen pills? Are VA hospitals now the best place to receive gender reassignment surgery?

I feel transgendered people should be allotted the same rights and privileges as any other members of society. I believe they should be allowed to marry whomever they choose and join whatever organizations they choose. I also believe that they shouldn’t have to use different public restrooms, water fountains or have to sit in the back of buses.

I do have to play devil’s advocate and say that if the American Psychiatric Association defines gender dysphoria as a mental illness, it does make sense to not allow transgendered people into the military. I thought it went without saying that people suffering from severe mental illness weren’t suitable for the challenges and stresses of serving. I know I was turned away for major depression. But couldn’t we just say that the military will not accept people with major mental illnesses? Did there really need to be an executive order singling out a certain group of people and holding them up for ridicule?

I don’t think so. I think the main point of this is a play to Trump’s base of transphobic cretins who enjoy looking down on those who are different. Like many of his actions, I think it’s a solution in search of a problem. I haven’t seen a good number, but considering about 0.6% of the population identifies as trans I don’t think they’re overwhelming recruitment offices.*

It’s just that in America we salute brave military heroes and believe that they can do anything. Except get gender reassignment surgery. Or assistance if they’re homeless. Or shoot a moving target from the window of a book depository.


*An article I read this morning cites a Rand Corporation study that said there are several thousand transgendered troops serving in the active-duty forces. This seemed excessive to me, but I did the math and 0.6% of the million active-duty troops does come out to 6,000.

Cat Phones

I sort of live alone. I say ‘sort of’ because I have two feline housemates.

I purposely chose to get cats because they are much easier to leave alone than dogs. If I had gotten a dog there’s no way I would be able to work a twelve-hour shift at a moments notice, but with cats, it’s not a huge deal.

I still sometimes wish I could check in on them. I know they’re probably just sleeping or looking out the window, but it would be nice to know. I was thinking a cat phone would be great. If I was worried or had to work late I could just send them a quick text to check in.

But then I came to my senses and realized how horrible an idea that is. Could you imagine what a cat with a cell phone would be like?


And she’s not even the pain in the butt cat…