Musical Friends – July 2014


Companies like Musician’s Friend and American Musical Supply do a great job of connecting aspiring musicians with instruments, accessories and amplification, but they don’t connect these future rock stars with what they really need to make it big: Bandmates!

The real money is to be found not in selling $2000 guitars to rich kid who will just get bored and let it collect dust in the corner of the bedroom, but to sell the perfect vocalist, guitarist or drummer to that guy who really wants to make it in a band and just needs another person who shares his enthusiasm, determination and complete and utter lack of talent.

Now that you’ve contacted all of your friends, put up a flyer in the local music store and posted your ad on Craigslist it’s time to try the one way to guarantee you find the right musicians for your project.

Welcome to: Musical Friends

 

 

Guitarists-

 

Yankee Ingstrom

Yankee Ingstrom

The shredder (can’t play rhythm) - This guy can sweep pick arpeggios, slide, squeal, hammer on and pull off like all the masters! He can shred like Dimebag, Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Zakk Wyle, Van Halen or Ingvee Milmsteen!

Just don’t have him play rhythm. This dude can not play rhythm. Even “Smoke on the Water” is too much for him.

Comes complete with a volume pedal to turn him down (off) when he’s not soloing.

MSRP- Just take him. He’s constantly playing neoclassical crap in our warehouse and driving us all crazy.

Eric & Pattie_468x354The Steal Your Girlfriend – Perfect for emulating the sounds of Johnny Ramone or Eric Clapton! We all know at least one guy on the scene that will fuck anything he can get his hands on! This is the guy that you don’t want to leave alone with your girlfriend, wife, mother or daughter or any other vagina that is not tied down.

Comes with complimentary chastity belt so you don’t end up like Joey and George Harrison.

MSRP- No Alimony!

I have no idea who this guy is. He looks cool though.

I have no idea who this guy is. He looks cool though.

The Swede – To be perfectly honest… I have no idea how this guy sounds or if he can even play. He just looks the part.

MSRP – $200?

 

 

You know I can't play guitar until I put my makeup on.

You know I can’t play guitar until I put my makeup on.

The Fall Out Boy – A great player for power pop-punk. Just don’t make fun of his hair. He’s really sensitive about that.

MSRP – $800

 

 

 

Bassists-

 

Some guy.

Some guy.

That guy – Yeah. Him. You can have him play bass for you. It’s not hard.

MSRP – It doesn’t matter what we charge you it will be too much.

Your friend from elementary school – You probably talk to this guy more than you talk to the last guy you had play bass in your band, so might as well have him.

MSRP -$750.99

paul-mccartney-bassA Former Guitar Player Willing To Give The Bass A Shot – It could go either way: he’ll either perfectly compliment your guitar and drums with tasty fills and lay down a cool groove using licks his years of guitar playing has taught him or he’ll completely overplay distracting licks that differ so much from what the guitar and drums are doing that it’ll sound like a different song.

MSRP – $900

The Guy Who Couldn’t Get A Gig Playing Guitar So He’s Decided To Give Bass A Try – There’s probably a reason this dude couldn’t get a gig playing guitar. Is it his complete lack of talent? Or is he an insufferable dickhead? Order now to find out!

MSRP- $700

Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend – I’ve seen it done both ways. They’re already going to be at the show to make sure you don’t get any strange so why not?

MSRP – $40 (Hey, it was our idea.)

 

THIS MONTHS SPECIAL:

Keyboard Players - Wait… we’re still looking for these ourselves.

 

 

Marilyn Manson – Portrait of an American Family


Platinum Anniversary Album Series

Here’s my latest entry in a series on albums that still matter 20 years after their release.

1994goth1Marilyn Manson – Portrait of an American Family (19 July 1994)

The most notable thing about Marilyn Manson’s debut is that it’s Marilyn Manson’s debut. That’s not to say it’s a throwaway album; I think it’s one of the best the band have ever done. But if you’re not already a fan of Manson and didn’t love Antichrist Superstar there’s no reason to check out this offering.

The best thing about Portrait is the hunger. This isn’t millionaire Marilyn Manson who doesn’t really need to but keeps releasing awful albums. This is a band learning their craft and clawing their way to the top. The songs have the raw, unfocused energy of punk rock, but also make heavy use of samples and keyboard like industrial metal. The corset and torn stocking goth look wasn’t perfected yet and Marilyn Manson had a lot to prove.

After the Willy Wonka prelude, the album starts off with what I think is the best song on the album, “Cake and Sodomy”. The juxtaposition of lyrics about televangelists and phone-sex numbers mix perfectly with the repetitive bass line and Daisy Berkowitz’s juvenile guitars.

“Lunchbox” is mostly notable for being the last time Marilyn Manson wore bluejeans in a video. Aside from that it has perhaps the best guitar riff and is probably the best written song on the album.

 

 

“Dope Hat” has the most punk/industrial crossover vibe. All the instruments play simple three-chord progressions (aside from some crazy guitar solos) and the vocals aren’t the most challenging. I’ve always loved this one for the Willy Wonka and carnival images, it’s definitely the most fun.

I’ve never understood what “Get Your Gunn” is about, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying it. It has a great riff and a chorus I can sing along with, even if I have no idea what I’m singing about.

Another high point is the band reworking “Mechanical Man” from Charles Manson’s Lie into “My Monkey.”  It’s a take on Uncle Charlie’s tune that I never would have thought of. With a great horn section, processed vocals and what sounds like a 10-year-old singing along. It may be the most shocking point on the album. Of course, now the most shocking thing Marilyn Manson could do it to release an album half as good as Portrait of an American Family.

A lot of the other songs are throwaway tracks and filler. There are some high points; “Organ Grinder” has a great keyboard melody. “Wrapped in Plastic” features the second bet guitar riff of the album, but loses mainly because it’s a little more slow and laid back. “Cyclops” has a great solo.

The band debating whether to cover "Sweet Dreams" or "Goodbye Horses" in 1995 Catherine McGann Copyright 2009 54

The band debating whether to cover “Sweet Dreams” or “Goodbye Horses” in 1995
-Catherine McGann Copyright 2009 54

I like to think that if I was hearing Portrait in 1994 I would know this was a band to watch, but I can’t be certain. It’s obvious that there is potential here, but it’s difficult to connect this with the remix and covers EP Smells Like Children from ’95 or the breakthrough Antichrist Superstar a year after that,

But then again, maybe the best thing about this album is hearing the Antichrist before he was a superstar.

For more Platinum Anniversary Albums:

Part 1: Weezer – The Blue Album

Part 2: Soundgarden – Superunknown

 Part 3: Hole – Live Through This

Part 4: The Summer Nationals Tour 2014 

The Summer Nationals Tour 2014


summernationalsThe Vandals, Pennywise, Bad Religion, The Offspring

Stage AE – Pittsburgh, PA

29 July 2014

While I can’t say the Summer Nationals tour started off without a hitch on Tuesday, I also can’t say that the small technical problems hindered the show in any way. It was fun, loud and not disappointing (as I expect the new Ninja Turtles movie will be).

 

Due to an unfamiliarity with the area and my friend’s infuriating habit of driving the speed limit we arrived just in time to see the Vandal’s finish up their cover of Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.” This didn’t bother me too much as I’m not really a fan of the Vandals. Their stuff is good, but all that really sticks out to me is the covers.

Pennywise 7292014We were discussing whether Pennywise took their name from the clown in Stephen King’s “It” when they took the stage and opened with a song about said antagonist. Pennywise is another band that I haven’t been able to get into due to the fact that all of their songs sound the same to me. However, they did do an awesome cover of “Blitzkrieg Bop” and a few of their originals make me want to explore them a bit more. I also feel inspired to write a song where the chorus consists solely of the letters ‘O’ and ‘H.’

Bad Religion_2014072My biggest problem with Bad Religion is that I’m not extremely familiar with their material. I know their songs better than I did when I saw them a few years ago, but still only well enough to recognize and sing along with the titles. It’s great to see the awesome rhythm section of Wackerman (is there any better name for a drummer?) and Bentley. I didn’t recognize Brian Baker at first, I think he lost a bit of weight. And newcomer Mike Dimkick did a good job replacing Greg Hetson. Of course, the best part is Greg Graffin, who is now quite bald and totally gray. He’s not your typical punk madman, but instead performs more like the college professor that he is during the off season.

Offspring_20140729I was hoping the crowd would clear out a little for the Offspring. After all, they’ve achieved massive success and according to many punk purists would be considered sell outs. Then I remembered how much all the jocks I hated in school liked them. But still they played an awesome set. It was great to see Smash performed in it’s entirety. I grew up listening to that album and it’s meant quite a lot to me over the years. It was probably my introduction to punk. I know every song and by the end my jaw was sore from singing along so much. Everyone at the venue was disappointed when the crowd didn’t go into the “drivers are rude…” part in “Bad Habit,” but after a bit of a prompt we did all sing along with “Stupid dumbshit goddamn mother fucker!” After Smash and “Intermission” they returned to the stage and played another set, mostly from Americana. I would have liked to have heard them play “Gone Away,” but other than that I really can’t complain about the songs they chose, at least they didn’t play “Hit That.”

I had fun, but there are a few gripes. Sage AE seems like a pretty cool place right in the shadow of Heinz field (I want to watch The Dark Knight Rises again to see if I can spot it), but why do they have to end the show at 11 pm? That just seems like a completely unreasonable time to end a rock show, even for the old farts we were there to see.

And I think being an open air theater caused the sound to diffuse away from the stage pretty quickly. As I age, I tend to like to avoid the mosh pits and crowd at the front of the stage, but at Stage AE, standing back left me without that kicked-in-the-face-by-rock feeling that makes me love live music. And while standing back allowed me plenty of space, the opportunity to people watch and check out cool t-shirts, it also bought the frustrating distractions of selfies, couples kissing and people walking around. I think next time I’ll have to suck it up and hop in the pit to get the experience I want. My ears weren’t even ringing by the end.

I have to say I got my moneys worth and had a good time, but I think if I’d been a little close to the stage my mind would have been blown.

I’d also like to give a shout out to the singer from Last Day’s Pay who I saw at the show. If you like the bands I saw here, you’ll probably like LDP. Give them a listen.

 

While this doesn’t exactly conform tom my series on 20-year-old albums, the fact that The Offspring are playing their 1994 breakthrough Smash and Bad Religion are celebrating 20 years since Stranger Than Fiction I’m going to include links to my other Platinum Anniversary Albums:

Part 1: Weezer – “The Blue Album”

Part 2 Soundgarden – Superunknown

 Part 3 Hole – Live Through This

So You Wanna Join A Band?


imagesI’ve decided to start a series of band tips. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough that I have some wisdom to pass on. I’ve been doing it for a while and notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this.

I, in no way, profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not the free couch in my $355/month apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 271 likes on Facebook, 237 followers on Twitter and 745 fans on Reverbnation. I’m OK with these stats because we do well playing out and people seem to be enjoying our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at (or perhaps surpass me), if you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Part 2 – How to Not Join A Band

I hadn’t planned on doing this post, but I my bass player quit earlier this week and the first respondence to my open invite on Facebook left too perfect an example to pass up on.

Page One

 

Page Two

Page three

I do have a few questions I didn’t get a chance to ask:

a) Why would you use the single most racist word in the English language if don’t want people to think of you as a racist?

b) Was there supposed to be something in any of those seven comments to make me change my mind about not wanting to be in a band with someone who uses inappropriate language in extremely public places?

c) Have you ever though that the reason “every time some fucking asshole makes you wish you hadnt even offerred” is because you’re the asshole?

Yes, dear reader. I do realize that it’s rather passive-aggressive and assholish of me to post this on my blog without directly confronting this person, but I did have a few reasons for that:

1) I didn’t want to exacerbate the situation. I already tried to diffuse it politely (though looking back I may have come off as a little bit of a prick) and just wanted to get this off the site. I’m just as much a fan of freedom of speech as I am of my freedom not to associate with people I don’t agree with.

2) Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. He’ll knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut around like he won.

So let this be a lesson to you all. If you really, really, really, REALLY don’t want to join a band, or get a job, or make a good impression on people the quickest way to do that is the copious use of racial slurs!

801-Blazing-Saddles-quotes

 

 

 

 

 

So You Wanna Start A Band?


imagesI’ve been thinking about doing a series of tips for bands just starting out. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough that I have some wisdom to pass along. I’ve been doing it for a while and have noticed a lot of truly awful things that bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this.

I, in no way, profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not from the free couch in my $355/month apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 272 likes on Facebook, 206 followers on Twitter and 682 fans on Reverbnation. I’m OK with these stats because we do well playing out and people seem to be enjoying our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at (or perhaps surpass me), if you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

And for full disclosure the I’ve stolen the title from a column J. Yuenger of White Zombie did for Guitar World

PART 1 – Start a Band for the Right Reason

The only reason you should start a band is because you love music and have fun playing it. You shouldn’t start/join a band to make a lot of money, get rich and famous and/or to get chicks. There are much easier ways to accomplish these things than play bass for 20 people at a bar in the sticks. And if you’re heart isn’t in it… well, you’re not going to succeed anyway.

The first thing people always ask about my band is whether or not I make any money with it. I’m honest and say “Yeah, we make a little.” The truth is that I’d like it all to go back into the band to pay for gas to get to/from show, musical equipment and eventually I’d like to have physical CD’s instead of the download only “Lost in Translation” on bandcamp.

I don’t really worry too much about making money because it’s my hobby. My band is my old motorcycle that I’ve bought to restore, my model train set, my hunting, my fishing, my stamp collection, my woodworking and my sports. I figure I spend about an equal amount of money with my hobby as what other do with theirs.

And if you’re just looking to make money you have a better chance making it standing with a sign on the freeway off ramp.

download

Are You Lost VI


1910001_10202366648590091_7589657265662642234_nI’d like to think that because I’m such a great writer people are coming to read about my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into search engines and ending up here. After reading fellow blogger Mike Delano’s posts about what search terms lead folks to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

 

 

Jerry Cantrell Slut

Jerry Cantrell Slut

jerry cantrell slut

axl rose is a dick – Definitely the best answer to the question “What’s wrong with Axl Rose”?

courtney love ted nugent/al jourgensen layne staley/mike patton elvis costello/joey jordison & al jourgensen - I have no idea why these pairs of names came up…

My lyrics are deep and meaningful, but you can't make them out because I'm screaming them unintelligibly!

My lyrics are deep and meaningful, but you can’t make them out because I’m screaming them unintelligibly!

 

 

 

oliver sykes screamo - Apparently Oliver Sykes is the singer for Bring Me The Horizon or some other awful band that I’ve never heard of. But when I first saw this post I thought John Oliver (the guy who replaced Jon Stewart on the Daily Show for a few weeks) was in a screamo band.

 

The kind of girl you want to take home to Mom.

The kind of girl you want to take home to Mom.

 

naked juggalo girls fucking

bands similar to in this moment -why does this search keep leading to my blog? There’s a tab on Spotify to answer this question better than I can!

did marilyn manson play in sadie rene’s – This search was obviously made by a reader from Canton, Oh because no person from outside that town knows about the dive bar Sadie Rene’s. My guess would be no, Marilyn Manson is from Canton, OH but the band formed in Ft. Lauderdale, FL and by the time they were a national act they were opening for bands like Danzig and Nine Inch Nails who definitely weren’t playing dive bars like Sadie Rene’s in the mid nineties.

 

Joey Jordison Rocking a Cock

Joey Jordison Rocking a Cock

joey jordison becomes a cock rocker

most semi nude arab music videos

nine inchnale cock – I’m not sure if this is a search for a pcture of Trent Reznor’s penis or for a dildo in the shape of a 3/4 foot spike.

forbidden young porn search engines – If it’s forbidden I don’t think you’re going to find a search engine for it.

sarah connor tits

miley cyrus twat – I’ve been looking all over for picture of that.

what is in the syringe in the in this moment whore video – Milk? Blood? Liquefied rabbit lingerie?

 

 

The Best Ohioan Rockers


Ohio seems to have had more than its fair share of infamous people. We’ve been home to Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, Anthony Sowell, Ariel Castro and Bill Watterson to name a few. But before you write us off as a state where only really, really hideous serial killers and extremely talented cartoonists come from, may I direct your attention to some of the great rock bands to hail from the heart of it all:

Wild Cherry – Funk you Pennsylvania! We’ve got these guys!

 

Gilby Clarke and Steven Adler – But I don’t think they went to LA together though.

Kim Deal – Yeah, that chick from the Pixies is from Dayton! Suck it Massachusetts!

Just in case Lebron James didn't do enough to make you think all Ohioans were assholes.

Just in case Lebron James didn’t do enough to make you think all Ohioans were assholes.

Mushroomhead - These guys ended up on my list of Most Overrated Bands because I swear people in Ohio would buy bottled shit if they thought it came out of one of these guys’ asses, but before their albums started having really pretentious names (Savior Sorrow) or names like English Pubs (the Righteous and the Butterfly) they were a pretty good band.

Marilyn Manson – The band was formed in South Florida, but the dude is from about 20 minutes north of where I live. I’ve met several people who said they were in high school with him and kicked his ass. Or had their groceries bagged by him.

The Black Keys

Hhipsters don't always come from Ohio... but we sure have a helluva lot of them

Hipsters don’t always come from Ohio… but we sure have a helluva lot of them

 

Joe Walsh – He was always one of my favorite Eagles… well, he was the only one I could really tell apart from any of the others.

Mobile Deathcamp – These guys are a kick-ass group of speed metallers from Toledo. Their biggest claim to fame is that their leader portrayed Beefcake the Mighty in GWAR for a while, but they’re definitely worth checking out in their own right. I mean, they made it higher on this list than The Black Keys.

Chimaira – Remember back in the early to mid 00s when NWOAHM (New Wave of American Heavy Metal) was all the rage? Yeah, nobody else does either. (Except for Shadows Fall, God Forbid and these guys.) These guys were always one of my favorites from that era, not just because they came from Cleveland, but because they had a keyboard player (like most other metal bands in Cleveland).

Dave Grohl – born in Warren but moved to Virginia when he was really young.

Devo – People always say that Devo were way ahead of their time, but when I listen to them I hear a pretty typical new wave band. Albeit a very strange one.

Reznor 90sNine Inch Nails – Yes, haha. The greatest band in the world is from my state. Suck it rest of the world. Suck it long and suck it hard!

This was a rather difficult list to narrow down to 10. If you’d like a more comprehensive list of musicians from the great state of Ohio, may I direct you to the Wikipedia page. I was really surprised by some of the names I found on the list.