Suicide Setlist


I recently stumbled upon some articles I wrote for Buzzbin a few years ago that were never published. Hopefully you will find them more interesting and humorous than that damn editor did!

Suicide Setlist

If you’re anything like me music is always playing in the background. You listen to music while you cook and eat, read and write, study and exercise. But while everyone knows that Ministry is one of the best bands to work out to and Al Green is the best for romance, what songs provide the best soundtrack for suicide? Here I offer several suggestions and hope you take me up on the advice if you ever decide to off yourself. So kick back, pop some sleeping pills, drink some wine, and enjoy my suicide setlist.

Celine Dion “My Heart will go On”- It should provide some comfort to know that even in death your heart will linger, much like a fart in a poorly ventilated room.

Kid Rock hangingKid Rock “All Summer Long”- The first time I heard this song I was cruising down the highway so I cranked it up to jam along with “Werewolves of London.” When I realized I was listening to Kid Rock I became so despondent I nearly drove my car off a bridge.

Nirvana “Milk it”- Yeah, you knew Kurt was gonna show up on this list. Anyone still thinking he was murdered should listen to the lyrics of this song where he sings “look on the bright side is suicide.”

System of a Down “B.Y.O.B”- The perfect song to pump you up for your mission after you strap that bomb to your chest.

Soundgarden “Ty Cobb”- If you’re angry at the world and want your last comment to be “Fuck you all” you should probably put this song on. You could just leave a note but I think hearing Chris Cornell sing the words packs a better punch.

Mudvayne “Dig”- If you’re not sure about how to do it, this tune offers plenty of great suggestions.

Loudon Wainwright III “Unrequited to the Nth Degree”- This song is about suicide, but it’s extremely funny so I wouldn’t suggest it to anyone planning on shooting themselves.

The Doors “The End”- Do I really need to explain this one?

Ozzy Osbourne “Suicide Solution”- Due to the subliminal messages hidden in this song which makes all listeners kill themselves I wouldn’t suggest that anyone not planning on killing themselves ever listen to it.

Nine Inch Nails “The Downward Spiral”- I’m not sure if this song is about killing yourself or killing someone else. Either way it seems appropriate for this list.

Anything by Alice in Chains- I love Alice but they are extremely depressing.

Deep Blue Something “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”- I just include this song because of my love of Audrey Hepburn, and the fact that I’ll never be able to fuck her without being a necrophiliac.

Jane’s Addiction “Mountain Song” or Red Hot Chili Peppers “Suck My Kiss”- Doesn’t it depress you to know that no matter how hard you try you’ll never be nearly as cool as these guys?

The Charlie Daniels Band “The Devil went down to Georgia”- If you kill yourself you’ll go to hell, so you might as well get used to Satan’s fiddle playing ASAP (I always thought he blew Johnny out of the water in this tune).

Bye bye bye cruel world!

Bye bye bye cruel world!

The Carpenters “Superstar”- Fucking rock stars and their one night stands. He said he’d be coming back this way again, baby…

NSYNC “Bye Bye Bye”- I refuse to live in a world where Joey Fatone is a millionaire.

Acid Bath “Scream of the Butterfly”- Wait… that’s the perfect song for an abortion, not a suicide.

Pink Floyd “Goodbye Cruel World”

 

The Most HATED bands


I love doing list posts. They’re so easy! And I don’t have to think about them too much! The only bad thing is that I can’t think of enough lists to come up with.

Any suggestions?

Avril Lavigne/Green Day – Really, anyone who ever claims to be ‘Punk Rock’ is hated and called a poser. Because if there’s one thing punks hate more than authority, it’s punk.

Prince – I’m not sure why Prince gets such a bad rap. The dude is a musical genius.

U2 – I don’t really care for their music, but also don’t harbor the animosity most seem to have for them. Of course, I don’t have the new iPhone.

Juggalos 4 life.

Juggalos 4 life.

Miley Cyrus – I still stand by what I said about her in Most Overrated Bands: “We all hate her because she’s young, beautiful, rich and doesn’t have to wear clothes like the rest of us.”

Insane Clown Posse/Limp Bizkit – Personally, I find it extremely hard to seriously hate these bands. Or take them serious in any manner.

Creed – If there is anything worse than Christian Rock, it’s pseudo-Christian rock. It’s one thing to sell out, but I like to think Hell holds special terrors for rockers who tone down their message to attain super stardom.

Megadeth – I really like Megadeth’s music. But boy, has Dave Mustaine gone off the deep end. It just goes to show that if there’s one thing worse than Creed; it’s born-again Creed.

Marilyn Manson – Wait, no one hates Marilyn Manson anymore.

Whenever you're having a bad day say to yourself, "At least I'm not in Nickelback."

Whenever you’re having a bad day you can just say to yourself, “At least I’m not in Nickelback.”

Metallica – After the whole Napster, St. Anger and documentary where Lars sells that painting for more money than I’ll make in two life times I hate Metallica as much as Dave Mustaine does.

Guns and Roses

Nickelback – Nickelback sucks so bad even ISIS, al-Qaeda and Ebola won’t admit to listening to them.

Korn – Korn


Platinum Anniversary Album Series

Here’s my latest entry in a series on albums that rock 20 years after their release.

Korn-KornKorn- Korn (11 October 1994)

I’ve been wracking my brain for months trying to think of an album after Korn’s debut that had as much impact. There are plenty of records and bands that revolutionized the sound of their generations before Korn came around, (Nevermind, The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, Black Sabbath, The Beatles on Ed Sullivan, Revolver, Sgt. Pepper’s, Elvis Presley, “Johnny B Goode.”) but the only album I can think of that had the same impact after Korn is Nickelback’s Silver Side Up. And it pains me to admit that.

“When we started out, I remember getting into some heavy bands like Morbid Angel and Sepultura, and when they would slow their grooves down, we were like, ‘Fuck that’s bad.’ We thought, Take the solos and all the fast beats out, and have a singer sing over that. That’d be bad shit- just all grooves”    -Fieldy in Guitar World Vol. 21, No. 3 March 2001

Whether Korn realized their goal expressed by bassist Fieldy in that old magazine is something that could be debated back and forth over several blogs. I’m guessing that there are probably several Korn fansites out there for people who are so inclined. As for me, I’m more interested in the music.

korn-bandWhat is hard to debate is when I say “Blind” was the best riff of ’94. I know that’s a pretty bold statement, but I think if you hold it up next to anything off Superunknown, The Blue Album, Jar of Flies, Dookie, Smash, The Downward Spiral or any of the other great albums to come out that year. That duhduh duhduh duhduh duhduh dundundun and the “Are you ready!!!” launched Nu Metal and gave the world something to latch onto after grunge.

That’s not to say it’s the only song on the album that’s great. Korn is chocked full of goodies. I really love the songs like “Clown” and “Faget” with subject matter different from anything previously heard in metal. While we all know that there were metal musicians getting beat up, teased and called faggots before Jonathon Davis arrived on the scene, he’s the first I know of to take these experiences and channel them into lyrics.

“Shoots and Ladders” represents the first (and only) time I’ve heard bagpipes in a metal song. And the twisted childhood theme continues with the closer “Daddy” where Davis recounts a tale of childhood sexual abuse. The album ends with him breaking down in tears. It leads me to wonder if that was something that happened live or if it was just a studio thing.

And while “Blind” takes the cake at the best riff on the album, a few other songs have equally impressive riffs. “Helmet in the Bush” is one of my favorites. Even when the riffs aren’t the greatest the guitars mesh with the slap pop bass and drums to create truly magical songs.

For more Platinum Anniversary Albums:

Part 5: Marilyn Manson- Portrait of an American Family

Part 4: The Summer Nationals Tour 2014 

Part 3: Hole – Live Through This

Part 2: Soundgarden – Superunknown

Part 1: Weezer – The Blue Album

 

 

 

So You Wanna Start A Band? 5


imagesThis is a series of band tips. I’ve learned enough playing in bands to have some wisdom to pass on. I notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior and hope I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this. I don’t profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from a tour bus and not my apartment. At the moment my band has 302 likes on Facebook, 313 followers on Twitter and 938 fans on Reverbnation. We do well playing out and people enjoy our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at or surpass me. If you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Today’s tip comes from a fellow musician’s Facebook comment:

Band tip #3: You can practice until you are blue in the face, play flawlessly, act professionally and still the ass clowns dressed in super hero costumes that can barely play three coherent chords will draw a bigger crowd than you do. Get over it and move on.

When I first read this post I thought of it as a complaint from a bitter old man whose band isn’t as successful as he’d like. Then I realized I agree with him. Which didn’t change my mind, just proves that I’m also a bitter old man whose band isn’t as successful as I’d like.

Usually long beards make people look like Duck Dynasty, but Jim Root's beard makes him look like someone from ancient Assyrian art

Usually long beards make people look like Duck Dynasty, but Jim Root’s beard makes him look like someone from ancient Assyrian art

This comment came a few months ago; before all the hullabaloo about the new Slipknot album started and mask metal became viable again. I was thinking the genre where more emphasis is placed on the masks and costumes the performers wear than the music (Slipknot, Mushroomhead, Sykosis, Hollywood Undead, Lordi, Insane Clown Posse, Kiss) was dying out and before long I wouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit anymore. I was thinking these jackasses would eventually fall out of favor enough that they would stop getting gigs and I wouldn’t have to listen to the crap that they call “art” because their too busy painting their faces, masks and testicles to learn how to play instruments.

Then fucking Slipknot announced they were releasing a new album. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed music from Slipknot. I still think Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses is a really good album. I also enjoy stuff from Mushroomhead and a few other masked assholes. But what really turns my stomach is that instead of hearing anything about the music on the new album or the two songs I’ve already heard everybody wants to focus on in the new masks.

Kudos! Way to keep it all about the music guys.

I suppose when two of the guys in your band only have the responsibility of hitting kegs with baseball bats and designing masks you have to give them their time in the spotlight.

They finally revealed their new drummer!

They finally revealed their new drummer!

I suppose at least when you wear a mask in your band you don’t have people yelling “Hey, there goes that dumb ass who makes horrible music!” as you walk down the street. Which happens to me (and I’m guessing my commentator) all the time.

 

The Next Big Thing?


And now for something completely differentWhile brainstorming for the post “I don’t like rap music because I’m racist” I made a mental list of all the areas of the world with musicians I listen to. I found it to be pretty complete. It includes: Al Jourgenson (Ministry) from Cuba, Max Cavalera (Soulfly, Killer Be Killed) from Brazil, Rodrigo y Gabriella (Mexico), Gojira from France, Rammstein from Germany, In Flames and Ghost from Sweden, Seether from South Africa, Freddy Mercury (Queen) from Tanzania, Rivergate from Algeria and Anarchadia from Syria.

I don’t include any Canadian or British artists here because the culture and music of those countries with my own is so similar that occasionally I don’t know a group/artist is a foreigner until someone tells me.

But still, if you look at my list you’ll notice a big, big (quite huge) gap. Asia. I realized that I don’t listen to any music from Asia. Sure, I enjoy George Harrison’s ditties on the sitar and I loved Mike Myer’s version of “More Than Words” from the Love Guru, but other than that… I don’t listen to Asian music.

I don’t even like the band called Asia.

Then I came across something completely different. Something that will divide my readers right down the middle with some saying ‘This is total garbage!’ and the other have saying ‘This is somewhat garbage!’

That’s right, I’m talking about BABYMETAL!!!!!

What I’ve heard of this band has been overwhelmingly negative. “Cool” people seem to absolutely detest them. And if that wasn’t reason enough to fall in love with them I am actually digging their musice.

The best part about it is that it’s different. That’s always one of the first things I look at with a new band. Do they have their own sound? Do they have their own style? Or are they just a cheap knockoff of Slipknot/Metallica/Slayer/Whatever the kids are into this week? BABYMETAL is different from anything I’ve heard. Sure, I’ve heard slut-pop (they refer to it as J-Pop or Teen Pop) and heavy metal, but why it took so long to mix the two genres is anyone’s guess. It’s one of those things that once it’s done makes you thing ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

Another cool thing is that I’m sure this group is introducing young people to guitar-based music. I don’t know if you’ve checked out the Billboard Hot 100 lately, but it isn’t exactly brimming over with virtuoso musicians. As a fan of guitar-based music, I’ll take any help I can to conquer the world with guitar music!

BABYMETAL: Not any more ridiculous than Slipknot.

BABYMETAL: Not any more ridiculous than Slipknot.

Let’s only hope that they don’t stop their touring in Japan and that someday Lady Gaga has to open for them.

 

 

Are You Lost, Se7en?


1910001_10202366648590091_7589657265662642234_nI’d like to think that because I’m such a great writer people are coming to read about my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into search engines and ending up here. After reading fellow blogger Mike Delano’s posts about what search terms lead folks to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

porn below 15 years age – Are you looking for pornographic images of people under 15 years old or pornographic images of people over the age of 18 that were done no later than 1999?

heavy rubber boot girl

marilyn manson mike patton – Sounds like a pretty cool collaboration to me

ewan mcgregor alice in chains - This one not so much.

Columbus skyline from Crew Stadium

Columbus skyline from Crew Stadium

columbus skyline – someone had to be really bored to google this.

sarah ball nude

bühler care icons

young taboo lnaturist nudism forbidden

jerry cantrell’s penis – After I managed to stop laughing and shouting ‘why would you search for that!’ I did a google search and found out that there is actually a lot of buzz about this at the moment… I’m learning so many awful things about Alice in Chains doing this blog.

shit horrible

shit horrible

i can’t believe a girl is playing me metallica – Is this their new single? Or was some guy so surprised a girl was playing Metallica for him that his first reaction was to google it?

shit horrible

tom arraya naked – ?????WHY????!!!!???

joey jordison naked

in this moment band is all gimmick – I’d disagree. 75% tops.

fleetwood metal girls naked?

fleetwood metal girls naked?

helluva fight live

sarah palin - It bothers me more that a google search for Sarah Palin led someone to my blog than it does that people searching for kiddie porn end up here.

fleetwood metal girls naked – Would you believe it’s easier to find nude pictures of Stevie Nicks on Google than to find pictures of her in her underwear?

ray charles racist rap music

 

So You Wanna Start A Band IV


imagesI’ve decided to do a series of band tips. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough to have some wisdom to pass on. I’ve been doing it for a while and notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this. I don’t profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not the free couch in my cheap apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 277 likes on Facebook, 273 followers on Twitter and 835 fans on Reverbnation. We do well playing out and people enjoy our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at or surpass me. If you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Part 4: Stop trying to look cool

Seriously… It isn’t working.

The only reason these guys look so cool is because they wrote songs like "Sick of You," "Saddam A GoGo" and "Fuckin an Animal"  If it hadn't been for that they'd look as stupid as you.

The only reason these guys look so cool is because they wrote songs like “Sick of You,” “Saddam A GoGo” and “Fuckin an Animal”
If it hadn’t been for that they’d look as stupid as you.

This is the perfect look to emulate if you want to look like an asshole.

This is the perfect look to emulate if you want to look like an asshole.

 

 

Juggalos 4 life.

Juggalos 4 life.

Reznor 90s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How did the Insane Clown Posse manage to look cooler than you?

 

 

 

 

 

Really, a leather jacket and some long hair is all you need.

 

 

 

Rick Neilsen looks cooler than you.

Rick Neilsen looks cooler than you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The harder you try to look cool, the more you look like this.

The harder you try to look cool, the more you look like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is how stupid I look onstage so I don't know why you'd take advise from me.

This is how stupid I look onstage so I don’t know why you’d take advise from me

 

You don't look like Motley Crue. You look like skinny guys who have spent waaaay too much time in prison.

You don’t look like Motley Crue. You look like skinny guys who have spent waaaay too much time in prison.

Just be yourself. Whoever you are, that’s the only way you’re going to look cool.

If you enjoy this post you may also enjoy So You Wanna Start A Band? So You Wanna Join A Band or So You Wanna Start A Band Too?