So You Wanna Join A Band?


imagesI’ve decided to start a series of band tips. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough that I have some wisdom to pass on. I’ve been doing it for a while and notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this.

I, in no way, profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not the free couch in my $355/month apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 271 likes on Facebook, 237 followers on Twitter and 745 fans on Reverbnation. I’m OK with these stats because we do well playing out and people seem to be enjoying our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at (or perhaps surpass me), if you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Part 2 – How to Not Join A Band

I hadn’t planned on doing this post, but I my bass player quit earlier this week and the first respondence to my open invite on Facebook left too perfect an example to pass up on.

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I do have a few questions I didn’t get a chance to ask:

a) Why would you use the single most racist word in the English language if don’t want people to think of you as a racist?

b) Was there supposed to be something in any of those seven comments to make me change my mind about not wanting to be in a band with someone who uses inappropriate language in extremely public places?

c) Have you ever though that the reason “every time some fucking asshole makes you wish you hadnt even offerred” is because you’re the asshole?

Yes, dear reader. I do realize that it’s rather passive-aggressive and assholish of me to post this on my blog without directly confronting this person, but I did have a few reasons for that:

1) I didn’t want to exacerbate the situation. I already tried to diffuse it politely (though looking back I may have come off as a little bit of a prick) and just wanted to get this off the site. I’m just as much a fan of freedom of speech as I am of my freedom not to associate with people I don’t agree with.

2) Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. He’ll knock over the pieces, shit on the board and strut around like he won.

So let this be a lesson to you all. If you really, really, really, REALLY don’t want to join a band, or get a job, or make a good impression on people the quickest way to do that is the copious use of racial slurs!

801-Blazing-Saddles-quotes

 

 

 

 

 

So You Wanna Start A Band?


imagesI’ve been thinking about doing a series of tips for bands just starting out. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough that I have some wisdom to pass along. I’ve been doing it for a while and have noticed a lot of truly awful things that bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this.

I, in no way, profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not from the free couch in my $355/month apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 272 likes on Facebook, 206 followers on Twitter and 682 fans on Reverbnation. I’m OK with these stats because we do well playing out and people seem to be enjoying our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at (or perhaps surpass me), if you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

And for full disclosure the I’ve stolen the title from a column J. Yuenger of White Zombie did for Guitar World

PART 1 – Start a Band for the Right Reason

The only reason you should start a band is because you love music and have fun playing it. You shouldn’t start/join a band to make a lot of money, get rich and famous and/or to get chicks. There are much easier ways to accomplish these things than play bass for 20 people at a bar in the sticks. And if you’re heart isn’t in it… well, you’re not going to succeed anyway.

The first thing people always ask about my band is whether or not I make any money with it. I’m honest and say “Yeah, we make a little.” The truth is that I’d like it all to go back into the band to pay for gas to get to/from show, musical equipment and eventually I’d like to have physical CD’s instead of the download only “Lost in Translation” on bandcamp.

I don’t really worry too much about making money because it’s my hobby. My band is my old motorcycle that I’ve bought to restore, my model train set, my hunting, my fishing, my stamp collection, my woodworking and my sports. I figure I spend about an equal amount of money with my hobby as what other do with theirs.

And if you’re just looking to make money you have a better chance making it standing with a sign on the freeway off ramp.

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Are You Lost VI


1910001_10202366648590091_7589657265662642234_nI’d like to think that because I’m such a great writer people are coming to read about my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into search engines and ending up here. After reading fellow blogger Mike Delano’s posts about what search terms lead folks to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

 

 

Jerry Cantrell Slut

Jerry Cantrell Slut

jerry cantrell slut

axl rose is a dick – Definitely the best answer to the question “What’s wrong with Axl Rose”?

courtney love ted nugent/al jourgensen layne staley/mike patton elvis costello/joey jordison & al jourgensen - I have no idea why these pairs of names came up…

My lyrics are deep and meaningful, but you can't make them out because I'm screaming them unintelligibly!

My lyrics are deep and meaningful, but you can’t make them out because I’m screaming them unintelligibly!

 

 

 

oliver sykes screamo - Apparently Oliver Sykes is the singer for Bring Me The Horizon or some other awful band that I’ve never heard of. But when I first saw this post I thought John Oliver (the guy who replaced Jon Stewart on the Daily Show for a few weeks) was in a screamo band.

 

The kind of girl you want to take home to Mom.

The kind of girl you want to take home to Mom.

 

naked juggalo girls fucking

bands similar to in this moment -why does this search keep leading to my blog? There’s a tab on Spotify to answer this question better than I can!

did marilyn manson play in sadie rene’s – This search was obviously made by a reader from Canton, Oh because no person from outside that town knows about the dive bar Sadie Rene’s. My guess would be no, Marilyn Manson is from Canton, OH but the band formed in Ft. Lauderdale, FL and by the time they were a national act they were opening for bands like Danzig and Nine Inch Nails who definitely weren’t playing dive bars like Sadie Rene’s in the mid nineties.

 

Joey Jordison Rocking a Cock

Joey Jordison Rocking a Cock

joey jordison becomes a cock rocker

most semi nude arab music videos

nine inchnale cock – I’m not sure if this is a search for a pcture of Trent Reznor’s penis or for a dildo in the shape of a 3/4 foot spike.

forbidden young porn search engines – If it’s forbidden I don’t think you’re going to find a search engine for it.

sarah connor tits

miley cyrus twat – I’ve been looking all over for picture of that.

what is in the syringe in the in this moment whore video – Milk? Blood? Liquefied rabbit lingerie?

 

 

The Best Ohioan Rockers


Ohio seems to have had more than its fair share of infamous people. We’ve been home to Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, Anthony Sowell, Ariel Castro and Bill Watterson to name a few. But before you write us off as a state where only really, really hideous serial killers and extremely talented cartoonists come from, may I direct your attention to some of the great rock bands to hail from the heart of it all:

Wild Cherry – Funk you Pennsylvania! We’ve got these guys!

 

Gilby Clarke and Steven Adler – But I don’t think they went to LA together though.

Kim Deal – Yeah, that chick from the Pixies is from Dayton! Suck it Massachusetts!

Just in case Lebron James didn't do enough to make you think all Ohioans were assholes.

Just in case Lebron James didn’t do enough to make you think all Ohioans were assholes.

Mushroomhead - These guys ended up on my list of Most Overrated Bands because I swear people in Ohio would buy bottled shit if they thought it came out of one of these guys’ asses, but before their albums started having really pretentious names (Savior Sorrow) or names like English Pubs (the Righteous and the Butterfly) they were a pretty good band.

Marilyn Manson – The band was formed in South Florida, but the dude is from about 20 minutes north of where I live. I’ve met several people who said they were in high school with him and kicked his ass. Or had their groceries bagged by him.

The Black Keys

Hhipsters don't always come from Ohio... but we sure have a helluva lot of them

Hipsters don’t always come from Ohio… but we sure have a helluva lot of them

 

Joe Walsh – He was always one of my favorite Eagles… well, he was the only one I could really tell apart from any of the others.

Mobile Deathcamp – These guys are a kick-ass group of speed metallers from Toledo. Their biggest claim to fame is that their leader portrayed Beefcake the Mighty in GWAR for a while, but they’re definitely worth checking out in their own right. I mean, they made it higher on this list than The Black Keys.

Chimaira – Remember back in the early to mid 00s when NWOAHM (New Wave of American Heavy Metal) was all the rage? Yeah, nobody else does either. (Except for Shadows Fall, God Forbid and these guys.) These guys were always one of my favorites from that era, not just because they came from Cleveland, but because they had a keyboard player (like most other metal bands in Cleveland).

Dave Grohl – born in Warren but moved to Virginia when he was really young.

Devo – People always say that Devo were way ahead of their time, but when I listen to them I hear a pretty typical new wave band. Albeit a very strange one.

Reznor 90sNine Inch Nails – Yes, haha. The greatest band in the world is from my state. Suck it rest of the world. Suck it long and suck it hard!

This was a rather difficult list to narrow down to 10. If you’d like a more comprehensive list of musicians from the great state of Ohio, may I direct you to the Wikipedia page. I was really surprised by some of the names I found on the list.

Happy 4th of July


Because you’re going to see your reader filled up with clips of Jimi Hendrix doing the “Star Spangled Banner” today I thought I’d share something a little different, but still relating to the 4th of Jully.

I’ve always enjoyed this song: the story, the lyrics, the vocal performance. I hope you do too.

Gimme Gimme Duck Dynasty


Note to Reader: I wrote this post on January 29th and I’ve been sitting on it for 5 months, waiting for one of the Duck Dynasty guys to say something homophobic, racist, intolerant, narrow-minded or just downright mean. However, in light of the fact that I’ve worked several twelve-hour days this past week and have been having computer troubles I think the time has come to publish this silly post.

 

Whenever is see this…

happy happy happy

 

I think of this…

The Pretty Reckless – Going To Hell


pretty-reckless-going-to-hellThe Pretty Reckless – Going To Hell (2014)

I’ve never considered myself a gentleman. As to blonds, brunettes or redheads I never had much of a preference; but I seem to be writing a lot about blonds. I’ve covered In This Moment, Miley Cyrus, Courtney Love, Pink and Miss Piggy. Wait… not Miss Piggy. To only one redhead, Shirley Manson.

And now, the next blond… Taylor Momsen

I’m really curious as to whether I’m the only person who is really getting into the Pretty Reckless. Every time I suggest going to see them live in October (for only $25) the guys in my band look at me like I’ve sprouted an extra head. Billboard says they topped at #5, but have been dropping steadily since. The guys at work who introduced me to the band featuring Cindy Lou Who from the live action “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” keep telling me not to quit my day job when I sing along with the album.

So what gives?

While Taylor Momsen is an actress-turned-singer much like Miley Cyrus, the similarities end there. Well, except for the being blond and the flashing of the tits. but THAT’s where the similarities end. The biggest difference is The Pretty Reckless are a pretty damn good rock and roll band. And while you can’t say that they’re breaking any new ground, they have the youthful energy, vigor and appetite that I find irresistible.

“Heaven Knows” strikes me as something of a Queen rip off. Stomp/clap drums and a singalong chorus remind me a lot of “We Will Rock You” and while I’m not going to give bonus points for the lyrics (I’m not even sure what the hell this song is about) this song will get stuck in your head. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Choosing “Fucked Up World” as the second single seems a ballsy move, until they rename is “Messed Up World.” Then it makes perfect sense. I can’t say I care much for the edited version though, it sounds like they just cut out “Fucked” and added “Messed” with cheap software and no concern for how the flow of the song is interrupted. Just changing that one word really messes the whole song up.

And you can’t argue that there are some really badass riffs on this album. “Going to Hell,” “Sweet Things,” “Why’d You Bring A Shotgun To The Party” and the country-tinged “Absolution” all contain some monster guitar licks.

There are also a few great acoustic/slower numbers like “House on a Hill,” “Blame Me” and “Waiting for a Friend” which features the best lyric on the album:

“My head is like a prison cell
I’m all by myself
I’m waiting for my friend
To come and break me out”

But above all the thing I love the most about The Pretty Reckless is Momsen’s smoky voice. Or maybe it’s the hot body…

I like to think I’m deep and don’t base my musical tastes on appearance but…

This has been my desktop background for a while now.

This has been my desktop background for a while now.