Are You Lost, Se7en?


1910001_10202366648590091_7589657265662642234_nI’d like to think that because I’m such a great writer people are coming to read about my thoughts on music. Of course, what’s really happening is that people are typing crazy shit into search engines and ending up here. After reading fellow blogger Mike Delano’s posts about what search terms lead folks to his site I thought it would be fun to share what leads people to The Audible Stew.

porn below 15 years age – Are you looking for pornographic images of people under 15 years old or pornographic images of people over the age of 18 that were done no later than 1999?

heavy rubber boot girl

marilyn manson mike patton – Sounds like a pretty cool collaboration to me

ewan mcgregor alice in chains - This one not so much.

Columbus skyline from Crew Stadium

Columbus skyline from Crew Stadium

columbus skyline – someone had to be really bored to google this.

sarah ball nude

bühler care icons

young taboo lnaturist nudism forbidden

jerry cantrell’s penis – After I managed to stop laughing and shouting ‘why would you search for that!’ I did a google search and found out that there is actually a lot of buzz about this at the moment… I’m learning so many awful things about Alice in Chains doing this blog.

shit horrible

shit horrible

i can’t believe a girl is playing me metallica – Is this their new single? Or was some guy so surprised a girl was playing Metallica for him that his first reaction was to google it?

shit horrible

tom arraya naked – ?????WHY????!!!!???

joey jordison naked

in this moment band is all gimmick – I’d disagree. 75% tops.

fleetwood metal girls naked?

fleetwood metal girls naked?

helluva fight live

sarah palin - It bothers me more that a google search for Sarah Palin led someone to my blog than it does that people searching for kiddie porn end up here.

fleetwood metal girls naked – Would you believe it’s easier to find nude pictures of Stevie Nicks on Google than to find pictures of her in her underwear?

ray charles racist rap music

 

So You Wanna Start A Band IV


imagesI’ve decided to do a series of band tips. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough to have some wisdom to pass on. I’ve been doing it for a while and notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this. I don’t profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not the free couch in my cheap apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 277 likes on Facebook, 273 followers on Twitter and 835 fans on Reverbnation. We do well playing out and people enjoy our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at or surpass me. If you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Part 4: Stop trying to look cool

Seriously… It isn’t working.

The only reason these guys look so cool is because they wrote songs like "Sick of You," "Saddam A GoGo" and "Fuckin an Animal"  If it hadn't been for that they'd look as stupid as you.

The only reason these guys look so cool is because they wrote songs like “Sick of You,” “Saddam A GoGo” and “Fuckin an Animal”
If it hadn’t been for that they’d look as stupid as you.

This is the perfect look to emulate if you want to look like an asshole.

This is the perfect look to emulate if you want to look like an asshole.

 

 

Juggalos 4 life.

Juggalos 4 life.

Reznor 90s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How did the Insane Clown Posse manage to look cooler than you?

 

 

 

 

 

Really, a leather jacket and some long hair is all you need.

 

 

 

Rick Neilsen looks cooler than you.

Rick Neilsen looks cooler than you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The harder you try to look cool, the more you look like this.

The harder you try to look cool, the more you look like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is how stupid I look onstage so I don't know why you'd take advise from me.

This is how stupid I look onstage so I don’t know why you’d take advise from me

 

You don't look like Motley Crue. You look like skinny guys who have spent waaaay too much time in prison.

You don’t look like Motley Crue. You look like skinny guys who have spent waaaay too much time in prison.

Just be yourself. Whoever you are, that’s the only way you’re going to look cool.

If you enjoy this post you may also enjoy So You Wanna Start A Band? So You Wanna Join A Band or So You Wanna Start A Band Too?

So You Wanna Start A Band Too?


imagesI’ve decided to do a series of band tips. I figure my band is successful enough and I’ve learned enough to have some wisdom to pass on. I’ve been doing it for a while and notice a lot of awful things bands pass off as normal behavior so hopefully I can make the world a better place by helping to prevent this.

I don’t profess to know everything about ‘how to make it in the music biz.’ If I did I would be writing this from the lounge of a tour bus and not the free couch in my cheap apartment (Or maybe I would be writing it from this couch between tours). At the moment my band has 277 likes on Facebook, 273 followers on Twitter and 835 fans on Reverbnation. We do well playing out and people enjoy our stuff; however, if you disagree with my views I encourage you to share your own. This tutorial is intended to help people catch up with where I’m at or surpass me. If you have another way of doing things which will bring more success I’d love to hear it.

Part 3: Criticism

1ea803353adb5dee29eb63665e0529dfAre you familiar with the saying “Everyone’s a critic”? How about “Opinions are like assholes”? There’s a reason people say things like that… They’re true!

And both the best and worst thing about the internet is that people can now share opinions with everyone. They can even share them with the band. This often leads to confrontation, name calling and a few buckets of hurt feelings.

My advice: Get over it.

Every couple of weeks I see some band on my Facebook feed going crazy over a bad review or someone saying they don’t like them. Since when do local bands expect everyone to like them? I know people who don’t like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Simon & Garfunkel, Alice Cooper and Motorhead. Personally I’m not a big fan of Radiohead. And while it hasn’t been discovered ,the LHC is looking for certain particles believed to exist that don’t enjoy Pink Floyd, CCR or Faith No More. Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity mathematically proves that not everyone in the world likes Johnny Cash.

So what’s so special about your band that everyone who hears you must love you?

07fe17371518c179a78031fd3e7a97053c64392d40363f7b1c2769535b9f9e78I think one of the biggest problems with local music is the complete lack of constructive criticism about bands. Constructive criticism is one of the best ways for bands to learn, grow and become better. Yet, whenever I say “I don’t really care for your style,” “I’m not a big fan of the backing tracks,” “You guy’s fucking suck,”  or “You should focus more on the music than masks and trying to be Slipknot” I’m called an asshole.

I’m not an asshole, I’m just the only one saying what a lot of other people are thinking. Bands seem to only want to hang out with folks who blow smoke up their ass and tell them how great they are, but that’s just not healthy.

Don’t get me wrong, the musician in me knows the pain you feel when someone says they don’t like your music. After putting all that hard work into something it sucks when people don’t dig it the way you do. But you have to remember that yelling and name calling don’t help your case and only make you look like a total asshole.

The only band that managed to turn around a bad review on the Audible Stew were the Said So. I didn’t care for them the first few times I saw them, but after I wrote about them and they got wind of it they offered me their album to review. When I heard “Leggo Your Ego” I thought it was pretty good and my view of the band has changed since then.

But my views of the bands who call anyone who doesn’t kiss their asses and worship them only ever changes for the worse.

If you enjoy this post you may also enjoy So You Wanna Start A Band? or So You Wanna Join A Band?

Musical Friends – July 2014


Companies like Musician’s Friend and American Musical Supply do a great job of connecting aspiring musicians with instruments, accessories and amplification, but they don’t connect these future rock stars with what they really need to make it big: Bandmates!

The real money is to be found not in selling $2000 guitars to rich kid who will just get bored and let it collect dust in the corner of the bedroom, but to sell the perfect vocalist, guitarist or drummer to that guy who really wants to make it in a band and just needs another person who shares his enthusiasm, determination and complete and utter lack of talent.

Now that you’ve contacted all of your friends, put up a flyer in the local music store and posted your ad on Craigslist it’s time to try the one way to guarantee you find the right musicians for your project.

Welcome to: Musical Friends

 

 

Guitarists-

 

Yankee Ingstrom

Yankee Ingstrom

The shredder (can’t play rhythm) - This guy can sweep pick arpeggios, slide, squeal, hammer on and pull off like all the masters! He can shred like Dimebag, Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Zakk Wyle, Van Halen or Ingvee Milmsteen!

Just don’t have him play rhythm. This dude can not play rhythm. Even “Smoke on the Water” is too much for him.

Comes complete with a volume pedal to turn him down (off) when he’s not soloing.

MSRP- Just take him. He’s constantly playing neoclassical crap in our warehouse and driving us all crazy.

Eric & Pattie_468x354The Steal Your Girlfriend – Perfect for emulating the sounds of Johnny Ramone or Eric Clapton! We all know at least one guy on the scene that will fuck anything he can get his hands on! This is the guy that you don’t want to leave alone with your girlfriend, wife, mother or daughter or any other vagina that is not tied down.

Comes with complimentary chastity belt so you don’t end up like Joey and George Harrison.

MSRP- No Alimony!

I have no idea who this guy is. He looks cool though.

I have no idea who this guy is. He looks cool though.

The Swede – To be perfectly honest… I have no idea how this guy sounds or if he can even play. He just looks the part.

MSRP – $200?

 

 

You know I can't play guitar until I put my makeup on.

You know I can’t play guitar until I put my makeup on.

The Fall Out Boy – A great player for power pop-punk. Just don’t make fun of his hair. He’s really sensitive about that.

MSRP – $800

 

 

 

Bassists-

 

Some guy.

Some guy.

That guy – Yeah. Him. You can have him play bass for you. It’s not hard.

MSRP – It doesn’t matter what we charge you it will be too much.

Your friend from elementary school – You probably talk to this guy more than you talk to the last guy you had play bass in your band, so might as well have him.

MSRP -$750.99

paul-mccartney-bassA Former Guitar Player Willing To Give The Bass A Shot – It could go either way: he’ll either perfectly compliment your guitar and drums with tasty fills and lay down a cool groove using licks his years of guitar playing has taught him or he’ll completely overplay distracting licks that differ so much from what the guitar and drums are doing that it’ll sound like a different song.

MSRP – $900

The Guy Who Couldn’t Get A Gig Playing Guitar So He’s Decided To Give Bass A Try – There’s probably a reason this dude couldn’t get a gig playing guitar. Is it his complete lack of talent? Or is he an insufferable dickhead? Order now to find out!

MSRP- $700

Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend – I’ve seen it done both ways. They’re already going to be at the show to make sure you don’t get any strange so why not?

MSRP – $40 (Hey, it was our idea.)

 

THIS MONTHS SPECIAL:

Keyboard Players - Wait… we’re still looking for these ourselves.

 

 

Marilyn Manson – Portrait of an American Family


Platinum Anniversary Album Series

Here’s my latest entry in a series on albums that still matter 20 years after their release.

1994goth1Marilyn Manson – Portrait of an American Family (19 July 1994)

The most notable thing about Marilyn Manson’s debut is that it’s Marilyn Manson’s debut. That’s not to say it’s a throwaway album; I think it’s one of the best the band have ever done. But if you’re not already a fan of Manson and didn’t love Antichrist Superstar there’s no reason to check out this offering.

The best thing about Portrait is the hunger. This isn’t millionaire Marilyn Manson who doesn’t really need to but keeps releasing awful albums. This is a band learning their craft and clawing their way to the top. The songs have the raw, unfocused energy of punk rock, but also make heavy use of samples and keyboard like industrial metal. The corset and torn stocking goth look wasn’t perfected yet and Marilyn Manson had a lot to prove.

After the Willy Wonka prelude, the album starts off with what I think is the best song on the album, “Cake and Sodomy”. The juxtaposition of lyrics about televangelists and phone-sex numbers mix perfectly with the repetitive bass line and Daisy Berkowitz’s juvenile guitars.

“Lunchbox” is mostly notable for being the last time Marilyn Manson wore bluejeans in a video. Aside from that it has perhaps the best guitar riff and is probably the best written song on the album.

 

 

“Dope Hat” has the most punk/industrial crossover vibe. All the instruments play simple three-chord progressions (aside from some crazy guitar solos) and the vocals aren’t the most challenging. I’ve always loved this one for the Willy Wonka and carnival images, it’s definitely the most fun.

I’ve never understood what “Get Your Gunn” is about, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying it. It has a great riff and a chorus I can sing along with, even if I have no idea what I’m singing about.

Another high point is the band reworking “Mechanical Man” from Charles Manson’s Lie into “My Monkey.”  It’s a take on Uncle Charlie’s tune that I never would have thought of. With a great horn section, processed vocals and what sounds like a 10-year-old singing along. It may be the most shocking point on the album. Of course, now the most shocking thing Marilyn Manson could do it to release an album half as good as Portrait of an American Family.

A lot of the other songs are throwaway tracks and filler. There are some high points; “Organ Grinder” has a great keyboard melody. “Wrapped in Plastic” features the second bet guitar riff of the album, but loses mainly because it’s a little more slow and laid back. “Cyclops” has a great solo.

The band debating whether to cover "Sweet Dreams" or "Goodbye Horses" in 1995 Catherine McGann Copyright 2009 54

The band debating whether to cover “Sweet Dreams” or “Goodbye Horses” in 1995
-Catherine McGann Copyright 2009 54

I like to think that if I was hearing Portrait in 1994 I would know this was a band to watch, but I can’t be certain. It’s obvious that there is potential here, but it’s difficult to connect this with the remix and covers EP Smells Like Children from ’95 or the breakthrough Antichrist Superstar a year after that,

But then again, maybe the best thing about this album is hearing the Antichrist before he was a superstar.

For more Platinum Anniversary Albums:

Part 1: Weezer – The Blue Album

Part 2: Soundgarden – Superunknown

 Part 3: Hole – Live Through This

Part 4: The Summer Nationals Tour 2014